A resounding eh is what I can gleam from this story, and it reminds me of when I used force myself to write even when I had no ideas. Bland and uninteresting and entirely too fast. While it's not unsalvageable, it's close. Take it a little bit slower and space more and you should be fine. Pour example':
"Then there was a loud, boom, and she shot downward even faster. There was a trail of the rainbow following her as she plummeted toward me. Oh please, we have aircraft on Earth that can go 3+ times the speed of sound. What's a small pony going to do? But, I have noticed something is different here. Either way, I'm not going to stay here when she crashes into me.
I ran and jumped toward the next building. But she just re-targeted, yet again aiming right at me. I attempted to move to another building, but it was too late. I grew a shield, and braced for impact. Time and sound appeared to stop as she was feet from me. There was one look on her face, the look of determination. She hit my shield, breaking it into many pieces. Her body kept going forward, hitting my chest and sending me flying backwards. Time was still in slow-motion as blood flied everywhere, shooting out from both me and her."
It's easier to read that way. Another thing is that you should never include the actual numerical form of numbers in a story, it breaks flow and is very ugly, makes it seem like an essay, using the word form is the most accepted way of conveying a numeral (I.e: three). There are also some very noticible errors in grammar such as near the end of that example I cut from the story itself: "Her body kept going forward, hitting my chest and sending me flying backwards. Time was still in slow-motion as blood flied everywhere, shooting out from both me and her."
That italicized word 'flied' should be something along the lines of 'flew', and while it is technically correct to use it like that, I find it to sound very childish and rough.
"YOU TIMES IT BY TWO!!1"
"You multiply it by two."
See the difference?
TL;DR: You have a good idea, but try to take it slower and use more descriptive wording even if you have to use a dictionary to figure out how to say the same thing twice without reusing the words, it pays off in the end.
As a closing note, he seems a bit overpowered and instinctual, but I played the game killing the very least amount of people and hiding whenever possible from everything to make it more interesting like I was vulnerable. A bit of projective roleplay perhaps, but giving him a blade that is on fire is a little OP.(Overpowered, a term used in gaming to convey the idea that the entity in question is too awesome in contrast with it's surroundings.) To quote a very respected internet game critic and my personal idol, Ben Yahtzee Croshaw: "img.photobucket.com/albums/v282/shmadyle/motivator7397954.jpg "
Point in that closing statement was as follows; over the top overpowered-ness = fine and dandy whilst actually playing it yourself but it makes for a boring story line. Ever notice that when the protagonist is injured bodily and significantly weakened, shit actually feels like it's going down?
Okay, while I do write quickly, I'll try to slow down. And I love Zero Punctuation! And if you read a few comments above, I made him pretty under powered for right now. If he really was OP'd he would have already nuked the place and have Celestia consumed.
....is he really going to kill everyone?
386690
Maybe, maybe not. Read on.
Wait wait wait....so lemme get this straight....
1) Killed Spike
2) Killed Rainbow
3) Library not cleaned
4) TWILIGHT'S GONNA GET PISSED
Am I following so far?
386890
Nope. Killed Doctor Whooves.
A resounding eh is what I can gleam from this story, and it reminds me of when I used force myself to write even when I had no ideas. Bland and uninteresting and entirely too fast. While it's not unsalvageable, it's close. Take it a little bit slower and space more and you should be fine. Pour example':
"Then there was a loud, boom, and she shot downward even faster. There was a trail of the rainbow following her as she plummeted toward me. Oh please, we have aircraft on Earth that can go 3+ times the speed of sound. What's a small pony going to do? But, I have noticed something is different here. Either way, I'm not going to stay here when she crashes into me.
I ran and jumped toward the next building. But she just re-targeted, yet again aiming right at me. I attempted to move to another building, but it was too late. I grew a shield, and braced for impact. Time and sound appeared to stop as she was feet from me. There was one look on her face, the look of determination. She hit my shield, breaking it into many pieces. Her body kept going forward, hitting my chest and sending me flying backwards. Time was still in slow-motion as blood flied everywhere, shooting out from both me and her."
It's easier to read that way. Another thing is that you should never include the actual numerical form of numbers in a story, it breaks flow and is very ugly, makes it seem like an essay, using the word form is the most accepted way of conveying a numeral (I.e: three). There are also some very noticible errors in grammar such as near the end of that example I cut from the story itself: "Her body kept going forward, hitting my chest and sending me flying backwards. Time was still in slow-motion as blood flied everywhere, shooting out from both me and her."
That italicized word 'flied' should be something along the lines of 'flew', and while it is technically correct to use it like that, I find it to sound very childish and rough.
"YOU TIMES IT BY TWO!!1"
"You multiply it by two."
See the difference?
TL;DR: You have a good idea, but try to take it slower and use more descriptive wording even if you have to use a dictionary to figure out how to say the same thing twice without reusing the words, it pays off in the end.
As a closing note, he seems a bit overpowered and instinctual, but I played the game killing the very least amount of people and hiding whenever possible from everything to make it more interesting like I was vulnerable. A bit of projective roleplay perhaps, but giving him a blade that is on fire is a little OP.(Overpowered, a term used in gaming to convey the idea that the entity in question is too awesome in contrast with it's surroundings.)
To quote a very respected internet game critic and my personal idol, Ben Yahtzee Croshaw:
"img.photobucket.com/albums/v282/shmadyle/motivator7397954.jpg "
Point in that closing statement was as follows; over the top overpowered-ness = fine and dandy whilst actually playing it yourself but it makes for a boring story line. Ever notice that when the protagonist is injured bodily and significantly weakened, shit actually feels like it's going down?
386918
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz81auvPmI1rp0yhho1_500.jpg
Looking forward for the rest to die...
386941
Okay, while I do write quickly, I'll try to slow down. And I love Zero Punctuation! And if you read a few comments above, I made him pretty under powered for right now. If he really was OP'd he would have already nuked the place and have Celestia consumed.
Awesome Chapter i can't wait to see the expression Twilight will have after finding out the event that Viral Alex done.
389225
I'm thinking like a final boss kind of thing with Twilight. The next victim: Flutterbitch.
Hohohoh!! Flutterbitch versus Viral Alex who will win? Can't wait!
Ahhh FUCK! NO, DASHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
389270 Dude this is epic fucking shit favoriting OH and can you play the music
Two Steps From Hell Strength of a Thousand Men in the next chapter?
uurrgghhh!!!! I WANT MOAR KILLING
YES, I love story where the ponies get their asses kicked. Sorry Fluttershy but you're going down.