Allan once again found himself trapped in the waking nightmare of being...well, a mare. He wouldn’t dare disobey Fluttershy’s condition that he send the entire date as a female, not with Princess Twilight and all their friends on his case.
The familiar surroundings of Rarity’s Boutique were of no comfort, due to the fact that they were the source of his current predicament.
After Applejack had quite firmly made her position on his escape attempt known, she had dragged him through town, drawing the gaze of every single pony they passed, brought him right up to Rarity’s door, and made him explain everything, including the conditions Fluttershy had laid down for the date.
He wished the fashionista hadn’t been so happy about it.
So now, Allan was sitting in the middle of Rarity’s inspiration room, in a disguise not too dissimilar to the ‘Cinnamon’ form she had taken during Trixie’s show. While she was nowhere near so ‘drop dead sexy’ as the female Pony, ‘Cinnamon’ had been, ‘Allie’ the Changeling was still no slouch in the looks department. Like his usual, male self, she was tall, but also slender, with a hint of muscle beneath the soft chitin of her legs. Her bronze shell was of a brighter hue than normal, and her lashed eyes were currently framed by generously applied mascara, donated by Rarity.
Various bolts of blue cloth were draped over Allie’s back, trying to find the right tone for the design Rarity was attempting to create. While she had never dealt with this kind of colour pallet before, she had relished the creativity necessary to make it work, and had come up with a solution that would fit.
“Hold still darling!” Rarity chastised her for reaching up to scratch her nose. “I can’t decide on a colour if you keep casting shadows over them.”
Allie snorted. “What? As if it’s my fault you ‘couldn’t help yourself’. You put me up here, you suffer the consequences of restricting my movement for three hours.” Allie did admit, she was kinda digging the voice. Kind of…. Lara Croft-ish. Tough but also capable of gentleness and seductiveness. Sophisticated, yet, rough. A sort of, romantic badass, if you will. Not that she’d want to stay like this just because she’d nailed the vocals, of course.
“Landsakes, just stop fidgetin’ ” Applejack groaned. “I’m not even the one up on the podium, and it’s painful just watchin’!”
“I heartily agree, Applejack.” Rarity conceded.
“You try switching genders and see how you like it!” Allie snapped back, irritated. “All this is completely out of my comfort zone in the worst ways!”
The two mares exchanged chuckles, but the pity in their eyes was plain to see. “Allie, just sit still,and it’ll be over quicker.” Rarity’s words were absolutely meaningless after several repetitions.
“You said that an hour ago!” Allie protested, as Rarity started removing all the bolts of cloth she had decided against, and brought out a collection of jewelry. “And no! I am not wearing earrings! I’ve never had my-” A sharp pain in her right ear interrupted her. “Ow! Jesus Rares!”
Rarity laughed. “Your human expressions are so funny, dear. Now, hold still for the other one.”
Allie clapped her hooves over her ears. “Jeez, no! No no, and no again! I am not wearing earrings, or necklaces, or any other accessories! You can’t make me-eeep!”
Rarity’s magic yanked Allie forward, so that their muzzles were practically touching. Her eyes were narrowed to thin slices of diamond blue, and her muzzle was scrunched. “Allie. You will let me finish this ensemble, or I shall force you to sit there for a thousand more, just like it! Each one more embarrassing than the next!”
Allie just let out a quiet meep, completely frozen at the sudden display of hostility from Rarity. ‘Note to self.’ Allie thought. ‘Never get Rarity upset about fashion. Ever.’
“Good.” Rarity withdrew, her tone pleasant once more. “Now, your ear please.”
Quite some time later, Allie stood, clad in the finished product, examining herself in the mirror. Rarity and Applejack stood close by, one beaming, and the other with her head cocked to one side. The changeling critically eyed the dress, which was simpler and less formal than Rarity’s usual wares, but still contained the same level of care and attention as any other.
It was a two piece dress that consisted of a bright blue waistcoat that was highlighted with white, and a blue and white ruffle dress that resembled an old fashioned bustle. The waistcoat’s arms covered most of her forelegs, and the dress hid most of her rear. The earrings were sapphires, to match the colour theme.
“Weeeeeeeellll?” Rarity queried sidling up beside her. “What do you think?”
Allie didn’t really know what to say. The changeling in the mirror was a stranger, a female stranger, and seemed to be at least good looking…..for a sparkly bug pony. Despite all of Rarity’s best efforts, all Allie could see was some strange girl in a strange dress.
Of course, she couldn’t say that.
“It’s wonderful. Thank you.”
Applejack’s eyebrow raised, ever so slightly, but Rarity was delighted.
“Oh darling, I’m so glad you like it! And I’m certain that a particular pegasus will love it just as much!”
If only...
“Alright then! Go on out there, and have a great night with Fluttershy! And make sure you come back tomorrow and tell us everything!”
Rarity’s demands were something Allan had grown accustomed to from working in the boutique, so hearing this was pretty much par for the course.
“A-lright Rarity.” Her voice broke a little as she said it. “I promise, I’ll give you all the….um, juicy details.”
Rarity bundled the two friends out of the door, her excitement palpable. When the door was shut, and Rarity’s voice had vanished into the boutique’s depths, AJ turned to Allie, a frown creasing the corners of her mouth.
“So what’s wrong with the dress?” She asked, bluntly.
Allie lowered her head. “There’s nothing wrong with the dress, Applejack.”
AJ’s eyebrow raised again.
Allie turned away, walking slowly down the path. Applejack quickly followed. “I couldn’t say anything about it to Rarity, or I’d never hear the end of it, but…..” She paused, looking up at the sky. “The problem is me.”
“What do ya mean?” Applejack said, her voice softer.
“When I looked in that mirror, it wasn’t me I saw. Whenever I look in a mirror, I keep hoping to see my own face. My human face. I always told myself that anything to do with love, I’d be myself for, and now, all I ever see is a stranger. I could shapeshift into the most beautiful mare, or handsome stallion, with the most extravagant, sublime outfit ever, and it wouldn’t make a lick of difference to what I saw back there. It’s not me.”
Applejack didn’t know what to say, but she had to say something. She blurted it out before she even knew what she was saying.
“After mah parents…..left…..I ran away from the farm, and tried to live a life in the city, despite how wrong it felt. Ah lied to myself, even when it felt terrible.” Allie stared at her. This wasn’t something Applejack had ever talked about before… not with him...or her. “I kept tryin’ to lie. I gussied up mah words and wore fancy clothes, and acted like ah was born for city life….on the inside though, nuthin’ felt right. Then, Rainbow Dash performed her first sonic rainboom, and the light it
produced drew mah eye right to Sweet Apple Acres, and I just knew, that it was time to go home. Ah got mah cutie mark that day, and I ain’t looked back since.” Applejack adjusted her hat, and then…..pulled off Allie’s dress. “Ah understand, sugarcube, honest. Be yourself. Tell her the truth. She won’t mind.”
Allie looked at her dumbly for a second, before AJ groaned, and took matters into her own hooves. “Just go ya fool!” She grabbed the startled changeling around her barrel, lifted her off the floor, spun about, and tossed her in the direction of the restaurant that Allie was taking Fluttershy to for the night.
The suddenness of the action was more than enough to elicit a yelp from Allie, who, quite by accident and reflex, shifted back to normal, and attempted to stop himself from crashing painfully down on the ground, only to find that he had done so too late.
“Ow…”
*******************
Fluttershy stood, waiting for Allan outside the local diner, The Hay Burger, dressed in a simple skirt and petticoat that Rarity had made for her several years ago. She liked the nice browns and greens Rarity had used, despite how often fashion turned away from those hues for being ‘bland and boring’.
Allan hadn’t turned up yet, and Fluttershy was getting a little worried. What could be taking so long? He had said to meet her here at nine, and it was already quarter past. She flicked her hair back from her eyes with a hoof, wondering why the butterfly shaped clip in her mane wasn’t doing it’s job.
“Mind if I join you?” Fluttershy gasped, and whirled around to face the source of the voice.
Allan stood there, wearing the same blue waistcoat that he had worn to Canterlot underneath his suit jacket, which was currently absent.
“You- you’re not….” Fluttershy stumbled over her words as she tried to calm herself down.
“I… I just…..” Allan left the words hanging for a moment as he carefully selected his next words. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t do this as someone else.” He said simply. “It felt wrong.”
“Uh...oh….” Fluttershy lowered her head. “I’m sorry if I upset you…..”
A hoof lifted her chin up, granting a good look at Alan's smiling face. “Hey, none of that now. We’re here on a date. We’re gonna get some food, hang out, and then, I’ve got something special planned if you’re up for it.”
“I….oh... what do you mean by….?”
Allan tilted his head, before he realized what she meant. “What…? Oh, geez, no. Nothing like that! It’s a first date! You don’t ask for that on a first date, ever.”
“Oh, that’s a relief. I thought that sounded a little weird.”
“Well, it’s not. I’ve been learning a new spell from Princess Luna and Twilight. I think you’ll like it.” He coughed, and added: “Well, hope you’ll like it.”
“Okay. Shall we go inside?” Fluttershy glanced around, face reddening. “We’re drawing stares.”
True enough, the sight of an undisguised, bizarre bug pony, and Ponyville’s resident shy mare going on a date was strange enough even for this town, and quite a few ponies still about at that time were unable to tear their eyes away.
Allan blanched, and quickly turned to go inside. “Y-yeah, let’s go in.”
The inside of The Hay Burger was reminiscent of the average earth fast food joint, only, with the tables, chairs and floors being made predominantly of wood. Allan joined the back of the order line, doing his absolute best to ignore the continued surveillance that he and his date were under. A hoof poking gently on his side turned his head back
to look at Fluttershy.
“So, you were a little late..?” She prompted. So she wanted to know why? Eh, no harm in telling her that.
“I kinda was going to do as you asked, but changed my mind last minute and had to rush back to get my waistcoat. I wasn’t going to come without wearing something special, now was I?”
Fluttershy smiled. How nice of him! He clearly put some effort into this date.
“So, what are you going to have? Allan asked. “My treat.”
“Oh...” Fluttershy never usually ate out much, and she never usually ate much when she did. A little salad was normal for her, but….since he was being generous….. “I think I’ll go with a hay burger, a side of hay fries, and a medium sized drink to go with it.”
Allan beamed at her. “Nice! I think I’ll go for the extra burger and hay fries combo. It looks quite good!”
The stallion behind the counter had a little trouble keeping himself from freaking out, which was made easier by seeing how nervous, and polite, the two were as they placed their orders.
“....and it’ll all be to go, please.” Allan finished.
“To go?” Fluttershy asked. “We’re not staying?”
“Nah, I told you I had something in mind, and it requires being outside anyway, so I thought we’d find a nice spot in the park.” Allan explained, as the counter pony went about constructing their meals, muttering to himself as he did so.
“So what are you…” Fluttershy trailed off as she noticed something behind Allan. A highly suspicious, definitely-not-her-friends-spying-on-her-date, kind of thing. “I’ll be right back.”
“Oh, uh, okay! I’ll pick up the order!” Allan said, cheerfully, thankfully unaware of the nosy intrusion on their privacy.
Fluttershy picked her way casually across the diner, as if going to the bathroom, before turning to face her hilariously poorly disguised friends sitting in a corner booth.
“What are you girls doing?” Fluttershy found herself hissing like a snake, possibly for the first time. “This is really rude!”
“Girls? What girls? There’s no girls here!” Said the mare that was obviously Twilight wearing a wide brimmed hat, a pair of glasses, and a fake mustache. The poor attempt at a stallions voice topped off the dopey disguise. “Just some stallions out for a fun night! Yeah, totally stallions, eheh!”
Fluttershy glared at her.
“Indeed, we don’t even know you, miss….uh….” Rarity pretended, dressed in a top hat, monocle, and once again, fake mustache. Her masculine voice barely soundēd any different to her normal one. Fluttershy’s eye twitched.
“Come on Flu- I mean, uh, miss- uh, Butterfly.” Rainbow was by far the worst disguise, with a white wig, and big black sunglasses with pink lenses, coupled with a hilariously oversized and baggy stallion’s suit jacket. “We’ve, uh- never met before.”
Fluttershy responded by knocking Rainbow’s wig off.
“Hey! What gives!” Rainbow exclaimed.
Fluttershy felt furious. They couldn’t just wait until tomorrow, when she could tell them what happened? No, they had to spy on her! On her first real date since Big Mac? No! Not today!
“Girls.” She gritted her teeth as she spoke. “I appreciate how much you care about me, but this is not something you can do.”
“We’re not here to get in the way!” Twilight protested. “We’re just worried about you and Allan!”
“Yeah, you guys get along really great! We just….”
“Wanted to be here to support you so things don’t go wrong.” Rarity supplied. “We know it’s inappropriate, but we care about you too much to see you two end up falling out if this little...experience goes poorly.”
Fluttershy put a hoof to her face. As much as she loved her friends, they sometimes pulled stunts that were simply too much. This was going to be one of the ones she would file away as being what was referred to as: bad form. “Just stay out of sight until we leave, please.”
With shameful nods, the Alicorn, Unicorn and Pegasus agreed.
Fluttershy didn’t wait for them to say anything else, instead, she pivoted about on her hooves, and marched back over to Allan, who was graciously thanking the counter pony for the meals he now held.
“Hey.” He greeted, with that same, warm, goofy smile that made her want to smile too. So she did. It felt nice, being able to relax around somepony other than her friends. Not that he wasn’t a friend, of course, she just meant somepony other than the five-no, six mares and the baby dragon who were her closest companions. Sure, she was friends with other ponies, but the girls were special. Even Starlight, who had only recently joined the group.
“So, ready to go find a nice spot in the park?” Allan äsked, brightly. “I promise quite a show.”
She ignored the stares around her for once. She ignored the voice inside that told her to hide behind her mane, ignored the normal anxiety she normally had to deal with whenever she went out.
“I’d love to.” His beaming grin was one of excited exuberance, making him seem like a young colt. Fluttershy guessed that, in many ways, he was. His lack of knowledge about Equestria and the rest of Equus made him ignorant like the young, while his energy, and willingness to adapt, to try to accept this strange world, was rather similar to the coping strategies of the young as well.
“Well then, let’s get going….or did you want to go talk to our friends again?” He asked, eyes glittering with mischief.
“You knew they were there?!” She squeaked, eyes wide.
Allan snorted. “How could I not? Those disguises make them stand out more.” He paused, sniffing the air. “I can literally taste the shame. Blech.”
Emotivores. Hardest creeatures to fool in all of creation, second only to telepaths and the omnipotent. Fluttershy’s ear folded back, and she bit back a chuckle. Of course Allan had noticed. He was far too observant not to have noticed.
“So what drew your attention to them?” She asked.
“It could have been the familiar sense of Dash’s overinflated ego.” Allan quipped. “Or maybe the beautiful girl who was standing in front of them earlier.”
The blush that developed on Fluttershy’s cheeks was certainly worth the effort to come up with such a cheesy line, but that’s what dates were for.
“Alright then.” Fluttershy stammered out, quickly trying to divert Allan's attention. “Where shall we go sit and eat?”
“I’m letting you choose. I arranged everything else, and it’s a little inconsiderate not to let you have a say.”
That was nice. Where to go though, where to go….. Oh!
“There’s a really nice spot by the local pond. We could go there.”
Allan nodded. “Sounds lovely. I hope there’s ducks.” He grinned at her. “I like ducks.”
She giggled. “So do I.”
**************
“So what’s this show you promised?“ Fluttershy asked.
The spot by the pond was gorgeous, with tall reeds, a few cat-tail plants, a great view of the water and the moon, and perfectly framed by a thick copse of trees, perfect for maintaining a little privacy, though Allan was certain that Rainbow Dash was still watching them. Oh well, getting two out of three to leave wasn’t too bad.
“I’ve been practicing non-stop since the hospital.” Allan admitted. “It slowed my recovery, but I think it’ll be worth it. I just hope you like what I’ll show you.”
His horn began to glow, and he closed his eyes. He focused on a particular set of memories, bringing them to the forefront of his mind, and channeling them into the spell. In the air, just above the lake, a light appeared, filing out into a large rectangle shape. A series of letters appeared, accompanied by a simple tune, as the letters turned from one colour to another.
“Get ready.” Allan said with a happy grin, settling down on the grass, wing extended for her as she moved to join him.
A new set of words appeared in simple, bluey-green text that read:
“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away….”
***************
Fluttershy gasped at the image before her. She didn’t understand just how it was possible, but she was seeing a planet, one completely different to her own, appear in the projection. Was this that Tatooey place the opening text had mentioned?
Another gasp worked it’s way out of her muzzle as a strange shape burst into frame accompanied by strange sounds and explosions. Flashes of light lit up the image at intervals, before a second shape appeared, chasing after the first.
Then, there was a strange, shiny gold figure walking about on two, stiff legs, and another figure that was shorted, and moved on wheels. They were obviously metal, but how were they… oh, the metal one was talking. Princess? No escape? That sounded bad. Oh dear, they were being boarded? Those shapes were kinds of… space ship?
Those new figures… their clothes were strange, and they had silly hats. But they lookes so… scared. Scared but brave and determined. Then the bizarre door at the end of the corridor exploded, and more of the strange humans entered, wearing weird, all white, shiny clothes that hid their faces.
They were killing each other! Oh no! Couldn’t they just get….oh….. Oh, he was scary. The tall, black clothed….man. He had such a deep voice. Fluttershy decided she did not like this human. He was bad. He was mean. “No, mister meanie! You can’t have those plans! You didn’t say please!”
Allan burst out laughing beside her.
****************
The credits rolled sometime later, a list of actors names that meant nothing to her.
“So none of that was real, right?” Fluttershy asked, trying to clarify. “It was just a story?”
“Just a story. A well told story.” Allan confirmed. “What did you think of it?”
“It was….violent….and scary at times….but…..” She turned to stare at him. “Is there a sequel?”
Alan's grin grew. “Several, actually. Those a great. And there are some prequals, but those aren’t so good.”
Fluttershy lowered her eyes, and looked up at him meekly through her eyelashes.
“Could….could we watch them? I… really enjoyed it.”
“I’d hoped you’d say that.” Allan smiled. “I’m a big fan of this series.”
“I could tell. You were mouthing every word.”
Alan's face went red. “I was not!”
“You were too! When Vader said….” Fluttershy cleared her throat, and used her now empty soda cup to make her voice echo-ey. “The force is strong with this one. You almost stood up to say it! I felt all your muscles tense!”
Allan tried to protest, but Fluttershy responded by flicking her crumpled up napkin at him, where it bounced off his surprised muzzle.
“Anyway.” Fluttershy said, changing the subject. “I had fun tonight. Thank you.”
Allan smiled. “Why, it was my pleasure, darlin’. Ah had a wonderful night mahself.” He said, letting his voice slip into the same country drawl that the Apple family spoke with.
Fluttershy giggled. “Stop it. That’s not fair! It’s too funny hearing you talk like my friends!”
“Really?” Allan's voice turned scratchy, similar to Dash’s. “Awesome!”
Fluttershy’s hooves clapped over her muzzle as she tried not to let herself laugh.
“Oh, but darling! You simply shouldn’t cover your mouth like that, it’s bad for your coat!”
Uncontrolled giggles rolled around her hooves.
“Oh! Are you playing peekaboo? Can I play? Can I? Can I?”
Her shoulders started shaking.
“You know, recent scientific studies show that laughter is the best medicine after all. Patients who were kept happy and entertained showed…”
Fluttershy burst out laughing at the spot on impression of Twilight, down to the lecturing, matter-of-fact tone and the way she held out her hoof as she taught.
Allan grinned. Tonight had been good. Even with Twilight and co. spying on them.
Unfortunately, with the movie done, and the cool night air closing in, it was time to go back home.
“Well, my lady.” He said, stretching out one gossamer wing as if he were extending a hand.
“Would you allow me to escort you safely home?”
Fluttershy suppressed her laughter enough to give a thankful: “Yes please.”
The two walked side by side, pressed together slightly for warmth in the chill night air, while Fluttershy chatted softly away about how the conjured movie had been a lovely, if strange, experience. She asked him about the special effects, how they had managed to convincingly pull off the look of space, and more. Allan happily answered every question he could, and laughed aloud at Fluttershy attempting to do impressions of the heroes and villains alike.
“I especially liked Princess Leia.” She beamed. “She was confident, and assertive! I wish I could be like her.”
Allan laughed and shook his head. “Nah. Don’t change that much. It wouldn’t be good if you became like her.”
“Why not?” Flutters asked, tilting her head to gaze up at him.
“Because then you wouldn’t you. And I like you the way you are.”
Fluttershy stopped, eyes wide and staring at him.
He stopped too, hooves tapping lightly down amid the fallen leaves that covered the path to the cottage. “What?”
“I don’t think anypony ever actually told me that…. Besides the girls!” She quickly amended. “That’s really nice of you to say.”
Allan turned to her, smiling again. “Nah. I’m just ahead of the curve. Everypony should tell you just how amazing you are.”
“Amazing?” She stammered a little. “You think I’m amazing?”
“Yeah. From what you lot have told me, you were so shy it was practically keeping you a prisoner in your own home! Now look at you! You’ve stared down dragons, attended a huge party without freaking out, stood up to a misguided Minotaur, and a dangerous Draconequus who you made one of your best friends! I’d say that’s amazing.”
“You think I’m amazing?” She asked again, dumbfounded.
“Yes.” The sincerity in his reply made her heart flutter.
“Really, really?”
“Yes, really really.” He said, huffing a little. “Are you seriously going to tell me that you’ve never even considered just how amazing you ar-”
Allan never finished that sentence, as something warm and slightly moist suddenly pressed up against his cheek, and his mind was flooded by an overwhelming surge of affection, before it was suddenly gone, as Fluttershy trotted happily down the path ahead, humming to herself.
Allan stayed stock still, before he lifted his hoof up to his cheek and felt the spot where Fluttershy had just kissed him.
“I’m in love with her….” He mumbled, giddily.
*******************
“So, how is Allan doing?” Twilight asked, early the next morning.
The elements all sat around the Cutie-Map, perched atop their thrones while Starlight and Spike sat close by, eagerly listening in.
The pony under scrutiny at the moment was the pegasus that none of her friends had thought would want to date anypony again, after her unfortunate date with Big Macintosh. She was rosy cheeked, and her expression when she had arrived had been one of pure happiness, pure happiness that nopony had seen from her in literal years.
Fluttershy ran her hooves over her mane, making the long curls tumble over and over her dainty limbs in a rush of pale rose.
“Oh, um, he’s doing great.” She said, her voice betraying just how distant and far off her thoughts were. “We had fun last night.”
The snickers of her friends were lost on her, as she continued to tumble her pink curls over her hooves, humming the tune of an old lullaby her parents had used to sing to her.
“So you had… fun, last night?” Rainbow asked between giggles.
“Hmm? ? Oh yes. We had a good night.”
“Anything… erm…. anything happen, Sugarcube?”
“I kissed him.”
Rarity, who had thus far maintained her image of self control by drinking tea, spat out the hot beverage in an enormous cone of spray, drenching Pinkie, before slamming the cup down on the table, and squealing: “YOU KISSED HIM!?!?”
“Oh….” Fluttershy was summoned out of her dazed state by the sudden raised volume. “....Yes?”
“What do you mean…..Yes?” Rarity demanded. She was in full on matchmaking mode, and nothing short of Celestia dropping out of the sky, while riding a huge, armoured dragon could stop her. She was even half sprawled over the map in order to get closer to her “Did you kiss Allan or not?”
“Oh...um, I did….” Fluttershy quietly admitted, her volume going down just a little.
“Weeell? How was it darling? Did you go for Prench kiss?”
“Oh, well, actually…..”
“Did he kiss back? Or did you surprise him with it?” Twilight intervened, quickly pulling Rarity away from Fluttershy.
“Rarity, I’m sure that Fluttershy doesn’t want to tell us every little detail.” Twilight chided the white unicorn, even as she fought her own desire to start asking questions. From the eyewitness accounts, the night had gone very well, despite the revelation of Allan's species making some ponies uncomfortable. He had apparently performed the memory projection spell flawlessly, which was remarkable for somepony who had only had three days to learn it.
“So...what did you two get up to, if ya don’t mind me askin’?” Applejack asked, polite but hopeful.
Fluttershy smiled. “He used a spell to project a movie he’d seen on earth into the air so we could watch it together. You’d have liked it Dash. There was action, and cool heroes, and death defying bravery!”
“That does sound pretty awesome.”
“So what did the humans look like?” Twilight asked, trying to gently nudge Fluttershy into talking.
“Oh, on their own, without clothes, I guess they’d have looked a little plain, like big, hairless monkeys.”
Rainbow snickered. “That’d look weird.”
“With clothes, they seemed kind of….stylish….in a weird, futuristic way.”
“It’s set in the future? Ah probably wouldn’t like it much then.” Applejack reasoned.
“”The main character grew up on a kind of farm.”
“Really?” Applejack instantly perked up.
Fluttershy smiled happily, glad to share a story with her friends. She settled down, and began with the same words she had heard the previous night.
“A long time ago……”
********************
BRILLIANT!
2 super good chapter i love them.
Thank you!
Nice one (:
8419448
I meant that in the previous chapter he was depressed as all get-out and in the one I commented on, he was suddenly laughing and joking around in what seems like it was just the span of a single day. The whole turn-around comes across as a bit rushed, given the situation. If you hadn't established him as so incredibly traumatized by it all, it would have been fine, but as it is... well, you can't quite have both.
Honestly, I almost want to recommend that you rework the previous two chapters to make him just a little bit more confident, so it doesn't come across as quite so jarring, but that would probably be asking a bit much. Still, I think it's good advice. The break between the two attitudes is just a bit too much.
8419457
Thanks for the input. I'll try to avoid that sort of thing from now on.
Addendum: I re-read what I had written in chapter 4, and think you may have missed a few things. Allan only starts to laugh once he's spent enough time with the girls to realize that he can trust them. He has already felt how bad his melancholia can get (ie, complete emotional shutdown), and is now actively trying to find things to keep his spirits up so he doesn't fall into the same trap again. Laughing at the absurdity of the stories his new friends are telling him is one of them.
Your advice is still valid, though.
8419518
I didn't really overlook it per se, I just felt the emotional hole you had portrayed him as sinking into was really too deep to jump back out of it in such a way. It's not really his behaviour I was criticizing, so much as that the emotional contrast just felt too sharp. You can't just decide to suddenly feel better, after all.
To be fair, I think you did a good job portraying his later relapse and breakdown over how terrified he is about the situation, I just didn't think to comment on it. That does a good job making it feel more justified, making the whole thing appear as more of a facade that he was putting on. If it was intended that way all along, I guess it didn't come across as well as it could have - I was commenting as I went along and at the time, the quick turnaround just felt like too much. If the transition had been a bit more smooth, I don't think I would've felt a need to comment on it.
On the whole, the characterization after that point is pretty well done and I think that was really the only major issue in the story so far. The character comes across as sympathetic and understandably hit hard by the situation more than as whiny, which is often a problem with this type of story.
8422289
That was the intent, for it to be an attempt by Allan to keep himself from falling apart, only to fail and break down again later on. A little more realistic, in my opinion. The human mind will do almost anything to deny change or confront serious issues, even when consciously trying to solve the issue. Thank you for elaborating on your point though, it really helps to hear actual constructive criticism, and that's something I want to hear. Not that being praised is a bad thing, but I write these stories to practice my skills and improve, and all praise does is make you too self assured.
So yeah, thank you.
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I see. Well, I'm glad you thought it was helpful. I've already put this story on tracking and I'll be sure to comment on anything that sticks out to me when the next chapter comes around. See you then!
I'd consider adding this to the "Humans in Equestria" group, by the way. People there can be twits, but it's big and popular and it'll get you a lot of exposure. This story is pretty solid and I think at 80k words it ought to have gotten more attention than it did.
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Thanks a bunch. That means quite a bit, even if people there can be....twits.
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I hope it helps you out. If I was still a member I'd do it myself, so don't let my personal issues with how it's run stop you. Chances are that'll never affect you in any way at all.
If you keep doing well, I'm even going to submit this to the Good HIE group, so be confident! I'd do it now, but I feel like the plot ought to be further along for that. This feels like a 200k story. I know the admins and I'd probably have to defend my opinion, which is always a bit hard for something unfinished.
Well, it looks like Allen may have taken a page from Fluttershy's playbook about be assertive.
Now, if he can just find a way to avoid the executioner's ax for committing treason by disobeying Twilight's orders to date Fluttershy as a female...
I had to use my mute button my laughter since I was reading this at 4am. Almost passed out giggling.
Darth Vader and the Force is no match for the FlutterStare!
Oh definitely not, I mean why would they ever spy on your date
Now that's quite the image
And now they're forcing him to do shit he's obviously not comfortable with? Including piercing his ears without his express, verbal consent to do so? I don't know if this is what you're intending, but you're succeeding in making me strongly dislike these ponies.