It was a beautiful spring day in Canterlot City. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the insects were dancing. And in the park we see two boys going for a walk and arriving at a playground. They were none other than Spike and Inferno. They were enjoying each other's company and loving the sunshine. We see them swinging on swings, climbing the monkey bars, sliding down the pole, come down from and the slides, and of course using their imaginations to pretend that the playground is like a pirate ship.
After when they had their fun at the playground they walked on home. They arrived at their house and took off their shoes and laid down on the bed to get some rest.
"Whew Spike. That was a fun time we had at the park wasn't it?" Inferno asked.
"It sure was Inferno. Felt really good like the old days when we were little boys. Oh it brings back good memories." Spike answered.
"You said it. Although I've been thinking about Steve, Blue and all of our friends. It certainly has been a while since we last saw them." Inferno said.
"Dude. The last time we saw them was when we were at the Easter party." Spike told him.
"But that was like a few weeks ago. And plus I've been curious to know what Steve's been up to lately. Maybe he had another party going on." Inferno suggested.
"He can't be planning parties every day bro. But I will give him a call later to see how he's been doing lately. Would you like to go get some snacks for us?" Spike asked.
"Sure man. I will be right back." Inferno said as he left to head to the corner store to grab some snacks.
With Spike he decided that it has been a while since they last saw Steve. So he decided to grab his phone, dial in his number and waited for him to answer. The phone was ringing for a good five minutes til he heard someone on the other line.
"Hello?"
"Hey Steve. It's Spike."
"Oh hey there buddy. How you and Inferno doing?" Steve asked.
"Were doing ok. Inferno went to go get some snacks for me and him. I was calling to see how you're doing today." Spike answered.
"Oh I'm great thanks for asking. We recently had a new neighbor move in and we had to meet him. It started when me and Blue were playing ball in the park. When I accidentally threw the ball too far we ran into a fort that was mysteriously being built. We didn't know who was building til we played Blue's Clues to figure it out. Turns out our neighbor Periwinkle was the one that built the fort and we happened to know that he likes doing some magic tricks." Steve explained.
"Wow. A new neighbor. Lucky you." Spike smiled.
"And here's something that you didn't know. Apparently there's someone coming to our neighborhood to perform a magic show later on tonight. And I was wondering if you and Inferno wanted to come and see the magic for yourselves." Steve offered.
"Really? That would be wonderful Steve. So what time does the show start?" Spike asked.
"Somewhere around 6:30pm. Whoever this magician is really does need to prepare the tricks he or she will do later on tonight." Steve answered.
"Ok thank you Steve. We'll see you in a little bit." Spike said as he hung up the phone.
At the same time he heard the front door open and Inferno came inside with the snacks he got for the both of them.
"Hey Spike I'm back. I got you your favorite. Iced honey buns and Mr Pibb. As for me I got a bag of cheddar fries and some Purple Thunder Mountain Dew." Inferno said.
"Thanks Inferno. I'm glad to have a caring brother like you." Spike smiled taking the buns and soda out of the bag.
"That's what brothers are for right? They care for their little bros and always help them whenever there's a problem. But anyways. Did you get a chance to talk to Steve?" Inferno asked.
"I did actually. He's doing good and he even invited us to come by his neighborhood later because there's someone coming over there to perform a magic show later on tonight." Spike answered.
"Really now? That was thoughtful of him. Did you accept his invite?" Inferno wondered.
"Yes. The show will be starting at 6:30pm. Plus he said that there's a new neighbor that moved in his neighborhood. Said his name was Periwinkle. I think we should go and not only see the magic show but also meet this Periwinkle. I wonder how friendly he will be?" Spike replied.
"I'm sure he's friendly like all of Steve's friends are. Well come on little brother. Let's go get changed and let's make our way to Steve's house." Inferno said.
So the two finished their snacks and headed to their bedroom. They changed out of their regular clothes and into some nice tuxes. Spike had a green dress shirt and black jacket while Inferno's was red. They were looking sharp and cool. Then they both stepped out the front door and were all ready.
"Ok Spike-O. Are you ready to witness some magic tonight at Steve's house?" Inferno asked.
"I sure am bro. But I'm curious who the magician will be when performing tonight. I mean I don't know who it can be." Spike thought.
"Spike. If there's one thing you should know about magicians it's that they never reveal their secrets. So when he or she arrives later on then you'll know." Inferno said.
"Ok. I guess we'll have to keep waiting for the mystery magician so we can see this magic performance." Spike replied.
"That's what I like to hear. Now come on. We better get to Steve's house." Inferno said.
So the two headed off to Steve's house and were so ready to see the magic show. But they knew that soon they will have to play Blue's Clues to figure out who will perform but also gave Periwinkle a letter saying that this magician wants to meet him.
https://m.
Dear Big.
I hope this message finds you well. First and foremost, I want to express my appreciation for sharing your story with me. It takes courage to put your work out there, and I admire your willingness to do so. That being said, I couldn't help but notice some grammar mistakes and other areas that could use improvement in your story. Please understand that my intention here is not to criticize or belittle your efforts but rather to offer constructive feedback that I believe will help you grow as a writer.
One of the main issues I encountered while reading your story was the pacing. It felt incredibly rushed, leaving little room for the characters to develop and the plot to unfold naturally. As readers, we need time to understand who the characters are, what motivates them, and why we should care about their journey. By slowing down the pacing, you can give your story the depth and complexity it deserves.
Furthermore, I noticed that the first paragraph of your story seemed disconnected from the rest of the narrative. It's essential to establish a strong sense of immersion from the very beginning, but starting with a detached introductory paragraph can confuse readers and disrupt the flow of the story. Remember, readers are engaging with your story from the outside looking in, so it's crucial to draw them in from the start rather than keeping them at arm's length.
I want to emphasize that my feedback comes from a place of genuine concern and a desire to see you succeed as a writer. I understand that receiving criticism can be challenging, but please know that I am here to support you every step of the way. Writing is a journey, and we all have room to improve. By taking the time to address these issues, I have no doubt that you will become an even stronger and more accomplished writer in the future.
Thank you once again for sharing your story with me, and please don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions or would like further feedback.
Warm regards, Artist.
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Thank you for your words. I promise not to rush it
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You're very welcome! Taking your time can often lead to better outcomes and a more fulfilling journey. If you ever need guidance or support along the way, feel free to reach out. Wishing you all the best on you’re writing journey.
Wow, didn't expect you to post it so soon. Nice work on the first chapter!