I Killed Fiddy Men, Not Ponies

by LtMajorDude

Breakfast at AJ's

Applejack led Cotton, Hank, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer, Kahn, and Mark (or Midway) to the living room, so they can wait for some breakfast.

Kahn was bored while Hank, Bill, and Boomhauer were looking around. Dale happily jumped around, marveling at their house. Mark was walking with Cotton.

"So let me get this straight." Mark said to Cotton. "Hank is your son. Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer are his friends and neighbors. Kahn is Hank's neighbor and acquaintance?"

"Yeah..." Cotton muttered as he sat down on a chair in the living room.

The other guys sat down in the living room. Applejack and her family were at the kitchen, whipping up the guys their breakfast. "Oh yea..." Cotton said, turning to Dale. "Gribble, some stupid weird princess, Cele-sumthing said welcome to Ah-quest-tree-ah, or something..."

Dale smiled widely. "PRINCESS CELESTIA SAID HELLO?-!-?-!-?"

Cotton raised an eyebrow. "Ya know her?" he said.

Dale laughed. "Uh yeah!" he said with a huge grin. "She's the freaking princess of Equestria. Don't forget her sister, Princess Luna! I freaking love her!-! And Princess Cadance and Shining Armor! But not Prince BlueBlood. He's an asshole."

Hank blinked at Dale's 'adult' language.

Dale shook his head. "That's not all." he said with a frown. "There's other assholes...Gilda, Trixie, FlimFlam Brothers, Canterlot rich snobs, those bullies in that Sonic Rainboom episode, et cetera."

Dale then gave a furious look to his friends. "But," he whispered in a dark tone, "the ponies whom I hate, despise, and should deserve to be called soulless monstersl..."

He looked around for anypony listening and whispered into his confused friends' ears...

"Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon..."

Bill blinked. "W-W-Who are they?-?-?" he muttered, imagining two dark soulless demons from Hell.

Mark snickered. "You mean those two little rich girls who piss off those three girls without their Cutie Mark butt tattoos?"

Dale smiled and nodded. "Bingo!" he said before switching his face to a smile to an angered frown.

Hank, Bill, and Boomhauer just sat there, blinking. They wondered how could Dale hate just two little girls.

Boomhauer shook his head. "Man, dang o' bunch of kids man? Burn in hell for all eternity man? Dang o' why man yo dang o' just kids. Maybe rich that's why yo. Money affects thy soul man. Fight it man yo. Generosity, mmm hmm."

Dale shook his head. "Kids?" he muttered with an evil glare. "THEY'RE MONSTERS. CRUEL HEARTLESS MONSTERS. THEY BULLIED APPLE BLOOM, TEASED THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, FORCED THEM TO BE PAPARAZZI'S, MOCKED GRANNY SMITH, MADE FUN OF SCOOTALOO'S FLIGHT PROBLEM, AND MADE BABS SEED BULLY THE CRUSADERS AND STOLE THEIR CLUBHOUSE. THEY'RE GODDANG, BLOODY MONSTERS."

"Dale, Jesus Christ, calm the hell down." Hank said with a surprised look as he put a hoof on Dale's back, who was calming down.

Kahn shook his head. "I don't even know what's he talking about," he muttered as he placed his head on the table.

"Dale," Bill said with a concerned face, "They're just kids, OK? Do you really consider them monsters?"

"YES!-!-!-!-!" Dale shouted back, surprising the guys.

Applejack ran to living room with a surprised look on her face.

"Ya guys alright?" she asked.

Mark nodded his head. "Yeah, we're fine. Don't worry about it."

Applejack let out a sigh and went back with a kitchen with a relieved smile on her face.

Hank hit Dale on the back of the head. "Next time, control yourself Dale!" he whispered as Dale rubbed the back of his head, with an annoyed look on his face.

"By the way," Bill asked Cotton. "What about your friend, Mark?"

"Well," Mark answered with a nervous grin. "About that..."

"BREAKFAST'S READY Y'ALL!" AppleBloom shouted.

Mark shrugged. "I guess I'll tell you later." he said as the guys went to the kitchen.

Cotton and his friends went the kitchen.

They saw Applejack's family in the kitchen. They also saw food on the table: apple juice, carrots, hay waffles, apple pie, and apple crisp.

Dale smiled brightly as he and the guys sat down to eat.

Kahn just got some waffles and juice since he wasn't that hungry...and the fact that he assumes the food was made by rednecks.

Hank, Boomhauer, Cotton, and Mark just got waffles, carrots, juice and some pie.

Bill and Dale took most of the juice and stuffed their faces with carrots, waffles, pie, and apple crisp.

The Apple family giggled at how Bill and Dale were eating while Hank just placed his hoof on his face.

"So," Big Macintosh said. "Where y'all from?" he asked.

"Manehatten." Dale blurted out while eating his food and ignoring Hank's glare at him.

"What a coincidence!" Apple Bloom said with a smile. "My cousin Babs Seed lives there!"

"I know!" Dale said as he continued eating.

Apple Bloom tilted her head. "You know? How do you know my cousin?" she asked Dale.

Hank let out a nervous chuckle. "Oh, don't mind Dale." he said, while he glared at Dale. "He always act crazy when eating."

Cotton laughed. "Ah Hank, my son. Always such a boob." he said while snickering.

Big Macintosh blinked. "Hank, Cotton's yer dad?" he asked. Hank nodded.

Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow. "Interesting. Do ya tell stories like yer dad?"

Hank stopped eating his food. "Stories?" he asked.

"Well," Big Macintosh said. "Yer dad once said that he ate 'Jungle Rice' and mouse droppings."

Hank let out a nervous grin and twitched his right eye. "He told you that? Was your little sister around when he told you that?" he asked.

Big Macintosh nodded, "Eeyup" he said, which made Hank slam his head on the table.

Cotton couldn't help but laugh at his son.

Boomhauer shook his head. "Don't tell that tale again man. Yo, it ain't funny no more. It was never dang ol' funny man. Dang o' you got that P.O.W. camp, man. That go yo, bamboo shoots talk about putting them under danged old fingernails. Yo don't freak me out about that."

AppleBloom giggled. "I love yer friends, Cotton! Especially Dale! He's so funny!" she said, which made Dale stop eating so that he can let out a wide, bright grin.

"Holy Crap! AppleBloom likes me!" Dale thought. "Maybe she could introduce me to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, make me part of them, do wacky stunts, maybe go to Manehatten to hang out with Babs Seeds, find a way to get even with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoo...wait, I need to NOT have a Cutie Mark to join the Crusaders! DO I EVEN HAVE A CUTIE MARK?-!"

He turned around to see his flank. There he saw a pair of sunglasses Cutie Mark. "Huh." he thought. "Maybe it represents how MYSTERIOUS I am..."

Bill noticed Dale looking at his flank. "Dale?" Bill asked. "Why are you looking at your butt?"

"Yeah!" Cotton shouted while laughing. "Why ya lookin' at yer ass?-!"

Hank was disgusted by his dad's behavior, but now that he mentioned it, why is Dale looking at his own flank...but most importantly, why is there a symbol in Dale's flank?

Hank looked at his own flank, which motivated the guys, except Dale, Cotton, and Mark, to look at their own flank. When they saw their flanks, they were a bit surprised.

Hank saw a propane tank Cutie Mark on his flank. Bill saw a barber's scissors Cutie Mark on his flank. Boomhauer saw a rose Cutie Mark on his flank. Kahn saw a microphone Cutie Mark on his flank.

Cotton knew that he had an AK-47 Cutie Mark and that Mark had a combat knife Cutie Mark. Mark also explained the concept of Cutie Marks to Cotton while they were at Pinkie's party at the barn.

Bill raised an eyebrow. "Why to I have a pair of scissors on my butt?" he asked the Apple family.

Applejack, Big Macintosh, AppleBloom, and Granny Smith immediately stopped eating.

"Umm..." AppleBloom said nervously. "You do know what a Cutie Mark is, right?"

Bill shook his head. "Nope!" he said with a smile.

Granny Smith dropped her fork. Applejack and Big Macintosh just stood their with shocked faces.

Immediately, Dale pushed Bill off his chair, which made Bill fall to the floor. Dale sat on Bill's chair and let out a nervous chuckle and smile.

"Oh, don't believe Bill!" he said as sweat formed on his forehead. "He's just messing around with you! Heh heh. Good one Bill! You almost made me wet my pants!"

AppleBloom couldn't help but laugh at his last statement. "Ha Ha! Wet yerself! That's a good one Dale! I really like ya!" she said with tears coming out of her eyes.

Dale couldn't help but to slightly ruffle AppleBloom. She was Dale's personal favorite Crusader.

Applejack and Big Macintosh lost their shocked faces and traded it with happy faces when they heard Dale's statement

Granny Smith just sighed as she saw her fork on the floor. Hank noticed her fork on the floor and offered his fork, which hasn't been used by him.

Granny Smith smiled and took the fork. "Thank ya Mr. Hill! Yer son has good manners, Cotton."

Cotton grunted while Hank scratched the back of his head, with a smile. "No problem." Hank said.

"So you guys are visiting to Ponyville?" Big Macintosh asked.

Before Hank can answer, Dale said, "Eeyup!" which made Cotton twitch his eye.

Hank, who decided to go with the lie, said, "Yeah...we came to visit my dad...yeah..."

"Well, where are ya gonna stay?" Granny Smith asked. The guys started to become worried since they have no idea where they are going to stay!

Cotton noticed this and chuckled while he shook his head. He turned to the Apples with a smile and asked, "How 'bout I show 'em to yer friends? Maybe they can take 'em in!"

The Apples looked at each other while Hank, Bill, Boomhauer, and Kahn were uncomfortable with sleeping at different spots.

Dale, however, always wanted to see the other ponies, so he blurted out, "YES! YEAH! EEYUP!"

The Apples chuckled at this, while Hank just took off his glasses and put his hoof on his forehead.

Applejack scratched her head and said to Cotton, "I suppose I could introduce yer friends to mah friends, but I don't know if they'll take yer friends."

Hank leaned towards Cotton and whispered, "Are you sure that this is a good idea, Dad?"

Cotton chuckled. "Sure, mah boy!" he whispered so that only Hank could hear him. "I seen her friends and they look like the nice girl type! Heh. Don't tell me ya afraid of sleeping wit' some women!"

Hank blushed and just shook his head.

"Well." Mark said as he put a napkin on his empty plate. "I'm done. Thanks again AJ!" Mark stood up and headed towards the door, waving to the Apples and the guys.

---

Mark was walking in the town for his daily walk. Despite being a Pegasus, he enjoyed taking long walks.

He noticed a unicorn and an Earth pony hanging out with each other. The unicorn had a double-scoop ice cream cone while the Earth pony had a single-scoop ice cream.

By accident, the Earth pony dropped his ice cream scoop on the ground, which made him form tears in his eyes. The unicorn noticed this and poured one of his scoops in the Earth pony's cone.

The Earth pony suddenly stopped forming tears in his eyes and hugged the unicorn.

"Thanks!" the Earth pony said. The unicorn chuckled. "That's what friends do!" the unicorn said.

Mark noticed this and suddenly had an ill look on his face.

He flew to an alley where nopony could see him and vomited on the ground.

As he vomited, tears began forming in his eyes.

What's up. Name's Mark Walsh.

Dude calm down! You don't have to make a big deal about the Japanese...

What do you mean I can't hang out with you guys!-?

I'm sorry man, but...

DUDE PLEASE STOP!-!

OH GOD! PLEASE NO!-!

NO! STOP!-! PLEASE!-!-!-! I'M YOUR FRIEND!-!-!-!

Mark shook his head as he finished vomiting. "Damn it Mark." he said to himself in a cracked voice. "That was in the past. YOU'RE LIVING IN THE GODDAMN PRESENT! FORGET ABOUT ALL THAT BULLCRAP!-!-!"

He spread his wings and flew away from the alley, trying to forget about his memories.

Comments

[Lag Incarnate]

For some reason the one I'm most worried for is Boomhauer.

[LtMajorDude]

3363253
why?

[Lag Incarnate]

3363257
I don't know, and that's why I'm worried.

[LtMajorDude]

3363263
Maybe because the only women he can go after are ponies!

[Lag Incarnate]

3363302
Yep, that's what it was. This can only end awkwardly, at least for someone.

[fenril]

here comes Boomhauerxrarity ship XDD

[Paladin Redflare]

Wot.

[recca pony]

maybe boomhauer can hang with cloud chaser

[Bootsy Slickmane]

Two of my favorite animated shows coming together. Awesome. That breakfast scene was beyond hilarious. It takes a lot to make me actually crack up, but you did it. Dale was always my favorite character on King of the Hill, and now....

Dale Gribble is best pony.