For years, Sweetie Belle has secretly been turning to video games for relief from her insecurities. Now a talented member of an elite team of gamers from around the world, she has come to rely on her new friends for companionship and support as she bears the rising pressures of her coming-of-age.
But when a sudden gaming cutie mark reveals her secret to everyone she knows, she's forced to contend with her uncertainties over what it means for her future, along with a fresh wave of bullying at school, jealousy from her childhood friends, and mounting expectations from her family.
As she takes her first unsteady steps into adulthood, she may learn she's not the only one hiding a secret, and that her journey to self-discovery isn't one she walks alone.
A story about how kids raised in the age of the Internet have come to rely on online communities to escape from society's expectations for them and achieve the best, most authentic versions of themselves.
◈ Featured on Equestria Daily ◈ 9.75 / 10 on The Goodfic Bin ◈ Fanart on DerpiBooru ◈
⚜ This story complies only with canon up until the end of Season 2. ⚜
I'm not a fan of first person, myself. (Though I have used it once or so before.) But, I read on anyway and liked it all, too. So you certainly done good.
Can't wait to see where it goes, or what sort of pitfalls or adventures await Sweetie Belle. Who knows, Gamescon? Maybe Rarity gets shanghaied into being a booth babe.
Criticism - I know Sweetie has a dictionary in her head, but her vocabulary seemed a bit flowery at times.
I liked what you did with Sweetie Belle here.
One does not choose their destiny, so I look forward to seeing how she'll deal with her new-found cutiemark.
5083867 Same, actually; I'm so unused to it that there were actually a lot of points where I accidentally switched perspectives. Still very worried I might have missed some cases...
I seriously struggled with whether I wanted it to be first or third, but I decided, after reading MrNumbers' glorious Demesne of the Reluctant Twilight Sparkle, that there was something quite special about internal dialogue expressed through narration. While I sincerely doubt I'll ever match his level of skill for comedy, I can still hope to aspire to it.
In any case, it really means a lot to me that someone who generally doesn't ascribe to it still managed to find it agreeable.
Also you are giving me many wonderful ideas that I am absolutely not opposed to and may or may not purloin sometime in the not-so-distant future.
5083892 Perhaps not. Destiny will play a very important role in this story.
Err. The concept, not the game.
But the game will be relevant too.
5083898
You sir, should look into using the method Robert Jordan, and many other authors for that matter, used. I adapted it for all of mine, even. You can still use prolific internal monologue with third person in the narrative, no doubt.
Still, you wrote what you've written well.
I believe I can compare the Internet Guildmates thing to my Followers. They are my Backbone. I love them all like family, and I genuinely care if something happens to them. Good on you, Sweetie.
I wanna be your prereader!!
This chapter, I like it.
Another!
I would preread but I have school so sorry. I loved this though. You now have a stalker.
5084072 Pfft.
You don't love me like family.
5084072 I rely on my pals to get me through thick and thin in wizard101 (Haha laugh all you want, it's the only game I know).
MashNSmash = Button Mash
Swan Song = Sweetie Belle
NightMare = Luna
Zaidy Waidy = ???
HiHoSilver = Braeburn?
Freya = Gilda?
5085323
I missed that one, and it's so obvious.
Props, obviously.
5085323 5085387 False.
quickmeme.com/img/b5/b5bc7984d4ccbea3679ddc0cad9a6cfaaa7153aacc460508d6fc06246efac972.jpg
Speaking of which, you're both fired.
5086159 wat. Button Mash was mentioned at least a dozen times. u crae?
So the main point of drama and conflict for this story is... Sweetie Belle like video games.
Yeahhhhh... no, that's stupid
I dunno, in my class, things were easier: 11-years-old girls freely talked about GTA: Vice City, boys exchanged cheat codes for Sims: Superstar with each other, etc. Same for university.
But I suppose not all classes are like that.
First story, gets featured.
Congrats mate!
5086302 it's not stupid there was a time when video games where seen for boys alone heck the DS was going to be named "City Boy". Its still a small problem in some places. I live in a small village in Appalachia when I was little I was probably the first women to play games in my school, openly that is. I use to get teased alot for it and there where some boys who where like "marry me!!!". And it still happens ever now and then.
i can relate and i cant wait for chapter 2
This very quickly felt like a self insert with Sweetie Belle acting as the vehicle. The fact that her cutie mark has a swan and her online name is Swan Song, as is your online name here, kind of solidifies this idea (I didn't notice your name till I went to type this up, so it made more sense after that).
I guess my suggestion would be to try and figure-out/solidify Sweetie Belle as a character more and simulate that in the first person perspective rather than just projecting your own self interpretation as the character. That goes for the other characters as well. I was wondering why the other CMC members weren't sad they couldn't have been there for the event or other understandable group dynamic aspects considering they're extreme efforts to get Cutie Marks as a team.
I was wondering when you were going to release a story. And this is a very interesting one to start off with. Can't wait to read it.
Y'know what? I'd be down for having a Destiny mark.
Also, fuck the vault of glass. Good gear, but fuck it.
Sweetie, you just need to get the hang of doing your homework on the toilet during coffeé brakes, sleeping for three hours and going to bed 3AM in the morning.
img.4plebs.org/boards/pol/image/1387/17/1387176837795.jpg
um, if you don't mind
Keep it coming!
So far, I'm actually really liking this. For a first story, this is awesome.
On a side note, I'd also really like to become a prereader, if that's ok.
This is very good!
To the Read Later list it goes! /)
gamare I like it i'm using it from now on Gamarejill
gamare I like it i'm using it from now on Gamarejill
5085285 IKR? Dark Wizard OP.
The 'sad' tag does not really fit.
I miss my guidmates!
5083867 I always imagined Sweetie Belle to be the more flowery of her three friends. That, and her constant proximity to "Lady Rarity, Paragon of Gentility and Grace", have contributed a lot to her dictionary and mannerisms. Will become a bigger plot point as time goes on.
It'll get flowery-ier. Flowers are nice.
5086302 Well yeah, sure, if you live in an impenetrable bubble of cognitive rejection where nothing you do is scrutinized or challenged by the rest of the world.
5086446 I was the only 11-year-old in my class who liked Vice City...
But all things considered I went to a really preppy school. Let's just say I didn't last long.
Uni was a much different experience, thankfully.
5087385 I'm actually struggling with this a bit. I wanted to add both a "Sad" and a "Comedy" tag to it, but Fimfic wouldn't let me. So I kinda had to decide mentally which was more important to me--the drama, or the comedy?
Fimfic states that stories tagged "Sad" don't necessarily have sad endings. On top of that, stories tagged "Comedy" are intended primarily to make the reader laugh, and while I try (and kinda fail, imo) to do that, it's not my priority.
Fimfic needs a "Drama" tag. Seriously.
5086654 Your comment is pretty much confirming some of my own fears. I've been worried about this too, for two reasons:
1. I don't feel like Sweetie Belle has a very vivid personality in the show. She's really freakin' adorable, sure, but other than that she kinda seems like an average Jane. So I started trying to counterbalance her against the other two--Apple Bloom's yer typical hard-working down-to-earth gal, and Scootaloo's the tomboyish athlete. Essentially, all that little trio was missing was the ladylike egghead. She kinda became the Hermione to the other two's Harry and Ron.
That being said, she seems to be the most self-aware and self-critical among her trio of friends. Something I've noticed about self-critical people is that they carry a lot of guilt for their own perceived wrongdoings. I evolved that into something of an anxiety issue for her--the pressures of failure, coupled with her unorthodox talent. It's gonna get bigger and more obvious, hopefully.
2. I totally did not intend for this to happen when I first started (it was supposed to be a comedy!), but as I wrote further and further, I started adding a lot of my own experiences and feelings into the story. As a result, a lot of Sweetie's issues--and her responses to them--are sourced from my own life. A lot of me is going to bleed into her, and I'm not quite sure how to separate the two (or, admittedly, if I even want to).
This is my first story, and was always intended to be a sandbox of sorts to let me try playing around with words again and see if I was capable of doing a decent job (see the "skullfucking cucumbers" comment). I really did not expect for it to get as big as it did. So now I'm just a little worried that I'm getting in over my head.
On the other hand, I get critiques like yours, which definitely gives me an idea of things I need to fix going forward. I'll probably have the spectre of "Sweetie Belle needs more personality" hanging over my head for a while longer, but I hope that in time I can develop her into a more vivid personality.
All in all, thanks for your feedback! I've received very little of it in the way of character personalities, so it'll definitely be a boon moving forward.
There are hints of it in the first chapter--AB and Scoots both express a little unease at realizing their best friend beat them to the punch, but in the heat of the moment, they're a lot happier for their friend than they are jealous. Right now I'm just laying the groundwork for it, but it's going to be a much bigger development point moving forward.
*raises a fist in the air* TO GAMING!
5086862 exactly.
Sweetie, you don't not play Destiny all night. There are Vex that need killin'.
Well, I saw the author's name, remembered you from the Yaerfaerda comment section, and decided to read this on a whim.
I am very glad I did. This is an excellent start. I look forward to the next chapter.
For a first go, ever, in ever, it's not bad. Your writing is actually fairly well constructed, and the idea is pretty interesting. Gamer ponies has been done alot, but not one touching on the culture of disapproval that was centered on gaming for the longest time in the human world.
While a lot of the people here are growing up in an age where video gaming has become widespread enough, and popular enough, to be considered "Cool" and "mainstream", I can remember when it was mostly shunned, and being a gamer was either a secret, or a source of shame.
It wasn't all sunshine and kickass graphics, and everyone having a console. So before you open your mouth to say that "that's wrong. Noone's like that" or something? Remember that gaming is a lot older than most people realize. (The first video games were made in the early 70's, and gaming didn't become openly accepted and encouraged until just this past decade, aside from arcades. And let's not mention girl gaming, and the whole set of gender stereotyping that goes with it.)
Back to the story, it definitely felt like you were slipping into a bit of self insert, and you -should- be careful of that, it's only a horrible mistake if you don't learn from it.
Sweetie Belle features in tons of stories, so if you have trouble forming a personality for her, you should check them out, too.
I'll give you a green thumb, and an offer to proofread if you haven't found someone to do it yet.
Good job. Keep it up, and keep improving.
Our little Swan is growing up and getting the feature box. Sniff!
Love it, and looking forward to the next chapters immensely.
5087549
By flowery I meant, she sounded like a snooty college professor. Or maybe Luna or an aristocrat. Hah
Or Maybe an author.
Either way, not a kid having everyday thoughts or conversation. It wasn't terribly distracting except in a couple spots, though.
5087723 Oh yeah, she's definitely a snarker, alright. A teenage life filled with secrets and foul-mouthed gamers will do that to ya.
5087661 I've actually read a lot of stories with Sweetie Belle in them, but I don't think I've ever read anything that has had a really standout Sweetie Belle personality. The most I can remember is an almost child-like sincerity and genuine care and concern for others.
Do you have any recommendations?
5087737 Well, I wasn't referring to her personality, so much as just her vocabulary used. Here's an example:
I get that she's being snarky with her monologue, but it's the way she says it that stood out.
Great story, the game they play actually reminds me a bit of Destiny, what with the Titan and darkness references and such.
Also, I hope at somepoint that we can see an image of Sweetie Belle's cutiemark if possible, I just really like visuals...
Lastly, I think it'd be funny that if since AB has a crush on Button Mash, Button Mash has a crush on Sweetie for her gamer skills.
Would be funny and make for a good story development maybe.
5087821
>"Titan Mark"
>"Vault of Glass"
>"intrepid Guardians"
>"our fireteam"
>"Atheon, Conflux of Time"
Now, whatever could have given you that idea, dear?
5087597 5086817
Wouldn't it be funny if Sweetie Belle got the Titan symbol as her cutie mark. xD
5087778 Yeah, I dunno. I don't really have an excuse for that (…she reads Shakespeare a lot? xD). I just figured it'd help flesh out her personality a little bit more. As you can probably tell, that's been a bit of a difficult spot for me.
5087670 5087606 5086683 5083892
Hail, fellow Jurists. Thanks for joining me on this journey. It's nice to have some familiar faces along for the ride.
5087015 5084475
Thanks for the offers. I have my set of prereaders for now. I'll let you know if I need any more help.
5087895
Awesome, so I was right. :D
But in all serious though, I think an image of Sweetie Belle's cutiemark would be great.
Hell, I'd even be will to give it a shot in making it if I had time.
HWAT'S THIS
A fanfic with the most adorable colt in ponyville and sweetie belle and Destiny?!
I FAVE THEE
By the way what class does Button play? Does he like hoof cannons?
5087943 Button Mash is a Hunter, and he plays Autorifles and Shotguns. (Yeah, I know. He's that guy.) Sweetie Belle's a Hand Cannon/Sniper Rifle player, though in smaller maps she'll mix it up and run Fusion Rifles instead.
5087973 It's hard not to be that guy in the Crucible though. Personally, though, I'm a fusion rifle-Hand Cannon-HMG kind of guy. Fusion rifles because, in the words of the great writer Peptuck,
5087895
Maybe sometime soon I'll catch up on that series. I'm still on Ordsjot, but it won't be long after that before I catch up to the most recent story.