The morning sun glistened off the dew-covered front lawn of Canterlot High School, its rays reflecting brightly off of the statue where the portal to Equestria lay dormant until needed once again. It was Monday, but this particular Monday was a joyful one for Sunset Shimmer. Her custom-fitted leather jacket draped over her left arm, she let the sun shine on her shoulders and arms, a broad smile on her face and a twinkle in her green eyes.
“Has it only been three days?” Sunset mused.
Canterlot High School hadn’t quite returned to normal after the past weekend’s Battle of the Bands. The entire city was abuzz with stories that were quickly mutating into legends and myths about how seven high school girls musically and magically broke the power of an ancient evil from another dimension. Even though thousands of Canterlot’s citizens had attended the final match of the Battle, most of them had trouble remembering the precise details until the three Dazzlings collapsed on stage, clutching frantically at the shards of the blood-red gems they always wore around their necks. Amazingly, the entire audience finished the performance looking away from the stage, instead focusing on the Rainbooms, Sunset Shimmer and Vinyl Scratch, who had set up their equipment atop the hill.
Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna sagely advised the press that the whole night seemed like something out of a dream and that the students should be given time and distance to recover from the incredible special effects presented by the Dazzlings and Rainbooms. Close observers could see Celestia giving a knowing look to Sunset Shimmer as the crowd transformed the Battle of the Bands into an impromptu weekend-long celebration.
For the first time since arriving in this new world, Sunset Shimmer entered the school as soon as the doors were unlocked and nearly jogged to her locker to retrieve two items. Before school started, Sunset had a very important letter to write. Arriving at her locker and opening it, Sunset considered hanging up her leather jacket.
Again remarking to herself and slipping into the familiar garment, “No, I still have a reputation to keep, at least for a little while,” she said, suppressing a very un-Sunset-like giggle.
Despite the disarray in the lower part of her locker, Sunset’s book compartment was very tidy. She reached for a thick oaken-and-brass bound journal with her mark on it – a red-and-gold sunburst with a sinuous line through the center that divided the two colors. If she had the courage to step through the portal and become a unicorn once again, that same mark would have been on her flank.
“One day, I’ll have to teach Rarity about the significance of cutie marks.” Sunset sighed. “She’ll need to be convinced they aren’t tattoos, body art or something else that’s changed as frequently as her clothes.”
The second item was a non-descript black pen case. Sunset opened it and inside was a precious gift – a custom pen with a large amethyst six-pointed star for a cap, and six additional smaller white stars circling the barrel. This sixth star was not an oversight, since the pony that gave the pen to Sunset didn’t have many lapses in her attention to detail. Artistically engraved on the inside of the small case was a brief inscription:
Never forget, it’s never too late to make the right choice. Thank you for saving me and for saving us all. Yours in friendship, Twilight Sparkle.
Sunset opened the tome to a blank page, uncapped the pen and began to write:
Dear Princess Twilight,
I can’t imagine how to thank you for believing in me, so forgive me for rambling. I have a feeling that this letter will not be a short one. We never had much of a chance to go over personal history and the events of the past few months while we were saving the world and you were worried about crafting the right counterspell. In the days after I was defeated and humbled by the Elements of Harmony, I struggled to make it through each day. Your friends – no – our friends warmed to me one by one and brought me back from the edge by helping me atone for my crimes against Canterlot High. They even gave me a hand rebuilding the front entrance. I still can’t believe that Rarity of all people assisted with bricklaying, and that she was good at it! I guess dress patterns and architectural plans aren’t that different after all. Of course, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie quickly warmed up to me in their respective ways – you know how open they are, and it’s nearly impossible not to smile at Pinkie’s antics once she gets started. It took months before Applejack and Rainbow Dash would speak to me directly, and even then, Applejack’s bluntness, no matter how well cushioned with her particular brand of tact, can be difficult to take.
When did things start to change? I think it was during the holidays we’d call Hearth’s Warming Eve in Equestria that I was able to finally look myself in the mirror and not see a fifteen-foot tall demon with fangs, wings and claws. The girls hung a felt stocking on my locker and filled it with small gifts and cards from all of them – and nobody ripped it down or stole it before I had a chance to open it. The candies from Sugarcube Corner, the apple fritters, the sunset earrings, the butterfly origami, and the rainbow scarf finally allowed me to let my guard down a little. The last day before winter break, Rainbow Dash invited me to attend their band’s rehearsal, and, well, things moved forward pretty well after that. I had to develop a thick skin about my past transgressions, though – even my new friends would slip up daily and bring up the day I tried to hurt them, and you. They quickly covered this with a sincere “no offense,” and I would reply with “none taken,” but this still wore on my patience.
This spring has been a blur, and now the past few days, with the Sirens’ arrival, your return, the Battle of the Bands, and now my writing to you. Twilight, I don’t know what to do next. I picked up the microphone that was thrown from your hands and sang what was deep in my heart at that moment. I can’t comprehend what happened. Maybe the other girls are more accustomed to the magic they feel when they play, but you and I are skilled unicorns and have a deeper understanding of magic. And, as an aside, one day you must tell me what nightmare you had that involves the name “Tirek”.
The bottom line is that what I felt with you and what I feel now when I play music isn’t a simple filly’s telekinesis spell or a teleportation spell. What we all did together restored a link from me to Equestria, but the magic is deeper and stronger than I ever remembered it being, even when I was Celestia’s student. You’re smarter and, well, more studious than I am. Please don’t give me any of the worry and humility you showed at Pinkie Pie’s sleepover. You are an alicorn who is coming into your own power, has just been granted a kingdom by the Tree of Harmony and is one of the most powerful mages in all of Equestria. I ask you, and practically beg you, to help me understand more of this magic of friendship and the power of the Elements of Harmony.
Again, we never had much time to talk. Piecing together Celestia’s cryptic references and my rather personal experience with the effects of the Elements, I know there’s six of them: Laughter, represented by Pinkie Pie; Honesty, represented by Applejack; Generosity, represented by Rarity; Kindness, represented by Fluttershy; Loyalty, represented by Rainbow Dash; and Magic, represented by you.
But, I wielded an element a few days ago. What was it? Help me understand.
Sunset looked at the end of her letter as students began to file in for school and wondered how to finish it. The sun’s rays through the window caught the amethyst star, now reflected onto the page, and inspiration struck her.
Your faithful student,
Sunset Shimmer
The former unicorn closed the book, which vibrated with eldritch energy. Sunset stood, walked into her first period classroom and took a seat at her desk. She gasped at the student that practically slithered through the door mere seconds before the bell rang.
Sonata had obviously been crying, with barely open red-rimmed eyes and a bruise on her left cheek which was badly disguised with cheap makeup. Her unkempt hair poked out of the sides of her stained, disheveled hoodie. The other students looked at her with disgust as she walked quickly to the back of the room, taking a seat in a chair instead of a desk, keeping as far away from the others as she could. As Sonata curled into a ball on the chair and faced the wall, the book in Sunset’s bag buzzed and glowed red for a moment. Forgetting the distressed Siren for a moment, Sunset opened the book with a sharp intake of breath. She read:
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
I have little time now, but your letter required an immediate response. I will write much more later, as we need to discuss that I am simply “Twilight” and I’m getting used to running a kingdom, let alone the hesitation I have with taking on a student. Let’s start with friendship.
I believe you represent an undiscovered element.
My theory is that you are the Bearer of Redemption.
Yours in friendship,
Twilight Sparkle
It takes a lot to make me favorite a story with Twilight in it.
I wanna read more, especially about the cutie mark thing!
Thank you so much! I hope I can keep this going - and make future chapters a little better planned out (and the writing a little more engaging).
Love Sunset Shimmer so I'll be sticking around for this. Looks good, keep the chapters coming and I'll keep reading.
*reads description*
Because 20 Questions is actually a fun game. Especially playing around with surveys.
But all in all, your first fanfic has to be a potentially good one.
5108595 Do you not like Twilight that much
Its early....but this seems like a great start.......favorite and will await chapter 2
Okay haven't started reading yet, but consider reorganizing the description. Make the first thing someone reads when coming to your story a synopsis.
Will update with further thoughts after I read what you have now.
--edit--
Alright it's interesting so far, but the pacing seems off. (coming from me it must seem like a joke, ha.) It might just be my reaction to the size of your paragraphs in this one. Sonata getting an appearance is nice, but I really doubt they would beat her like that... After all they REMEMBER what Sunset Shimmer did and I didn't see any signs of violence toward her. Of course that could be explained away by saying their ire shifted and increased onto the sirens, but I don't know... it just doesn't really sit well with me.
Sunset the element of redemption works, but I would probably went with just magic really. I am one of those who believe that the bearers aren't unique in their ability to wield, its just when those who can come together (in friendship) that there is power. However, other interpretations are very welcome. I would consider using a more friendshipy term for it though. Redemption is so... biblical. I think forgiveness would be more apt. Considering she had to ultimately accept the forgiveness of others and herself to become powerful. A bit of a rant, I apologize.
Good going though I liked it a lot.
Couple of corrections:
A "one-shot" typically refers to a story that is only a single chapter. The entire story is told in that way. That your story has a prolog means that it is not a one-shot.
Also, you have a lot of things that are not specifically telling us about your story in your long description. Those things are telling us about you, the author. You should put those in a blog or an author's note. Leave the desciption as your space to entice viewers to start reading. John Perry said it very well, and you should read that over as it is very insightful.
Inside the prolog, I immediately notice something that is quickly becoming a pet peeve of mine:
puu.sh/c2J02/69baa21291.png
Notice that while reading this, we already get to see the story title and chapter title; we don't need this information repeated for us in a "header."
Other than that, the formatting looks pretty good. I didn't go over it with a fine-toothed comb or anything, but no errors stood out to me.
It might be due to my bias of also wanting to see the kind of story of Sunset post-Rainbow Rocks be explored, but this does have my interest. The cameo of Sonata gives me hope of one of my favored post-Rainbow Rocks ships happening too.
So, keep the spark. It looks like you're on track for something pretty good here.
Cryosite and Someother Pony, I appreciate the constructive feedback. I'll see what edits to the description I can quickly make before I have to get to work. I fully realize that many of my mistakes are due to (a) unfamiliarity with the interface and writing fiction in general and (b) rushing to get this done all at once while I still had the enthusiasm and time for it.
Oh, and I need to figure out how to tag your names to make it easier to find comments that mention you.
I struggled with which exact concept to go with for Sunset's element. All I can say is that redemption just, um "felt" right, despite it's heavy footprint. Lots and lots of years of writing work e-mail have decayed my sense of pacing and altered my sense of paragraph size. Thanks very much for the encouragement and feedback.
I love this bit because it's so true. It's an important distinction to make that Sunset is not just a fill in Twilight for the girls, and I can't think of a more concise way to get that point across.
This was one of the first questions I asked myself when I walked out of the theater. Glad to see you're addressing it.
The only hang ups I have are in Sunset's letter; sometimes lines sound off, too formal for something she'd say. However, I know from experience that letters are harder to capture character voice, so I think you have a good grasp on her character regardless.
Overall, this was a really good start to your story. I loved seeing the backstory of how Sunset and the Mane 5 became friends, as well as the interaction between Sunset and Twilight, and the revelation at the end will prove to flesh out this relationship. While normally seventh Element stories make me wary, I'm interested to see where you'll go with this concept.
Ooh, not bad for your first fic! You have my attention.
I like this so far! It's about Sunset post-RR, and it's nice to see the possibility of Sonata becoming a major player in the story and potential friendship with Sunset as well. It shows plenty of promise
One thing I did wonder after the movie, though, was if the sirens would try to use the portal themselves if they learned about it, or especially that Twilight found a way to open it freely from Equestria.
5109317 I don't think that Sonata got that bruising from other student, so far we saw her without Adagio nor Aria, it could be posible that they finally lost their patience with her and decided to abandon her. But what could I know, I did not write this, hopefully the author is thinking the same.
IsabellaAmoreSirenix, thanks for the mix of constructive and positive feedback. I need to find the "new" Sunset's voice, and it's tough because there's only (to me) the two Equestria Girls movies to extrapolate from. I have some forethought to put in because the stage is easy to set, but after some beginner luck, I won't be able to make good chapters in one sitting.
ColdGoldLazarus and Black Jesuz, thanks for keeping me motivated!
ShadeJak, I'll be exploring the portal in a little more detail later. I haven't decided when to introduce that plot device - honestly, the best metaphor for this fic right now is about a dozen sections of puzzle completed that don't seem to fit together well yet. I either need more pieces or some good glue. It's a simple reason to keep it closed right now for safety - the CHS girls would be too curious and tempted to come through while Equestria is still recovering from Tirek's rampage.
DavyEddyBenny, your guess is right - Sonata wasn't injured by a student.
Thanks to everyone for making a cheesy old dude happy - it was a great first day of crafting fan fiction!
Ooh, this seems interesting!
s6.postimg.org/5ul2jmext/continue_Monkey.jpg
5108834 Not really.
5116424 Aww my special somepony loves Twilight he said if he didn't have me he would marry a cartoon Twilight
I my self think the element of Trust or Forgivness would worktoo
Redemption. Now that's exactly what I would have guessed.
Oh, this is goood.
Nice work, Conn. You set the stage well for those of us who didn't know MLP had an alt universe human high school.
- e#
That's certainly a valid possibility for Sunset's Element.
Personally, I think that the Seventh Element is an artefact of how weak magic generally is in the human world. Because of that, Friendship and Magic have become decoupled. In the human world, there would normally be an Element of Friendship, but not of Magic. Sunset, who is an outsider from a magical world, has brought Magic with her and is its Bearer in this world.
Redemption huh? Personally I dont think it fits well with the rest. I'm a more a fan of something along the lines of Integrity. But hey, the writing seems solid, and your pretty muchthe only person ive seen even adress the "Sunset is now an element?" thing. So i'll at least stick around for another couple of chapters.
Myeh. I've never been a fan of this idea. I've always preferred to think of it as Sunset taking on the mantle of the Element of Magic whilst in human world.
In any event, I will concede that it is a topic worth exploring, so I will accept your
poorly thought-outfine headcanon for now.And also: Interesting start. Hopefully you can capitalize on this.
Don't the elements of harmony represent qualities found in friends? with that in mind, shouldn't Sunte Shimmer's element be a quality like... Reliability?
This is off to a good start.
Why did I imagine emperor Palpatine laying back and saying, I. His slow, old person voice "you are the bearer of redemp...tion..."?
Neat. I personally like the Element of Trust idea, but I'll see where this goes.
Poor Sonata! Let me hug you better!
5746955 I hope that you enjoy the story and all its twists and turns. Thank you for taking a look!
If you don't mind me saying... Would a better word be "Forgiveness" rather than "Redemption?" I've seen that in some analysis videos, along with calling Sunset the Element of Balance. I think it was either in a video of Dr Wolf's or the Brony Notion's, or possibly both's. I hope you don't think I'm being presumptuous or anything... Just a thought. Sorry
5763097 Welcome to the story! I certainly didn't take your comment as being presumptuous. Hey, when this all started (almost six months ago), I was new to the fandom, was trying to explain the ending of Rainbow Rocks to a four-year-old, and I hadn't written fiction in 20 years. So, Redemption is what I thought of initially
Over 130,000 words later, I've develop a headcanon I can live with and stick with. Still, I think you'll see that Sunset's development and her interactions with nearly all the characters also incorporate trust, balance and forgiveness. I certainly hope that you continue to read and enjoy the story! Thank you for commenting!
I feel the element should be Forgiveness. The mane 6 forgave what she did in the past. Sunset Shimmer is forgiving those who who still resent her for what she did. I have only read this part, so far, and I would like to think Sunset would forgive Sonata in the near future and try to become her friend. Twilight could be wrong in what she guessed.
Hmm, element of redemption, huh? I must sympathize with the person above me that forgiveness seems better, but I can see where you are gleaming this new Element from. So far, I don't have any real problems with this. The whole "seventh element" thing has usually been done by novice writers with cringeworthy self-inserts that become best friends with the main six and then gets the girl, but this is a spin I haven't seen before, at least personally.
I like what's happening so far. Let's see where we go from here.
5958497 could not agree more with this comment
Like it so far you have my interest in the first chapter not a easy thing to do with my a.d.os (I have dreams but the one thing I have not had in a dream is music)
I'd say less forgiveness or redemption, Repentance makes a better seventh element. One can be undeservingly forgiven, or redeem themselves without truly accepting that what they did was wrong. To repent means that you accepted your own errors and took responsibility for them. That is what makes one deserve redemption and forgiveness.