Twilight: The Dragon Sorceress (Old story)

by ExoDemonG

A storm is brewing

As the airship sailed off in the sky away from Canterlot, far away from what even the newest maps tell is a large storm cloud. Lightning shot through the cloud like a snake striking and a loud, booming sound of thunder rocked the land below.

But that’s not what’s strange about this storm, inside the angry gray clouds are buildings of old, ones that seen many years of other storms that rocked the world. This day though a dark blue pegasus with a gray mane flew towards a large dark gray building that been made out of the same storm cloud, lightning shot through the walls like veins of one's body. The pegasus wore what looked like old Norse armor, it hugged the mares frame as she trotted into the building. The interior of the building seemed to be layered with old dark wood that held stone statues of pegasi of old, the mare passed them as she made her way towards the large doors in the back.

Two pegasi stood on either side of the door, wearing the same armor as the mare while one is holding a spear the other an ax. The mare nodded at the two before they nodded back, opening the large, rune etched wooden door. The mare trotted inside were the air was moist and smelled of rain. The room was dome shaped with a windows of the outside around her. Lightning flashed past the windows, lighting up the room to show another pony, one taller than the mare. Her mane was a dark purple colour with flashes of lights that looked like lightening passing through it as it billowed out behind her. Her fur was a dark blue, grayish colour that was adorned with a crown of dark gray metal with a blue gem in the middle. Her garments were that of the same metal with images of lightning crashing and adorned with yellow and gold gems. She hummed in thought as the mare came closer and bowed.

“My Valkyrie, you have news?” the taller mare asked, her voice was calm and smoothed. The mare stood up from her bow at this.

“Yes my Princess, I do,” the mare cleared her throat before continuing. “We finally gathered up all the runaway storms that got out, it was tricky but we finished it in record time.”

“Good, was there any complications?” the Princess asked, tilting her head a bit.

“No, not really,” The mare said. “Just that the last one took a little more time than what was hope for.”

“What do you mean?” the Princess asked, tilting her head a bit.

“Well, as the others were getting ready to gather it a group of dragons flew through it,” the mare explained. “They weren’t Storm Drakes, just some normal ones other than one large one. It scales looked that of molten lava brewed underneath.”

“Ahhh, the Dragon Emperor,” the Princess hummed. She soon stood up and moved towards the mare. The mare looked up at her Princesses golden eye. She stood there looking down at her Valkyrie as she brewed on the information she was given. “I thank you my Valkyrie, you are dismissed.”

“Thank you my Princess, may the storm guide you.” With a bow the mare trotted off, closing the doors behind. The Princess walked over to a window and peer out to the storm outside. Lightning from the walls jumped out and into her horn, sparks jumped off of her horn as she unfurled her large wings. With one beat of her wings the clouds parted to show her of her kingdom. Pegasi flew in the arm and on the storm clouds below as they went on their lives. She hummed in thought as she continue watching.

The Storm guides us all.

Author's Note:

The story may be over, but there’s still more to show.

May the Storm guide us.

Comments

[stephen51991]

Sequel!!!

media.giphy.com/media/DpB9NBjny7jF1pd0yt2/giphy.gif

[Titan Commander Sebaste]

Uh oh.... Seems we have a new player....

[NintenDOS]

Well hello big update. Well this will be fun.

[Greenhorn]

Potentially new antagonist. Will Sunset and other Elements be enough for this new foe? The anticipation is killing me.

[Moon Glow]

You may want to switch titles. This should be the "Epilogue" as epilogues always come at the very end of the story.

[Comickook]

This is an excellent final chapter. :-D I absolutely LOVED the possible sequel hook and will very certainly be looking forward to more from this universe. However, I will also respect that real world concerns need to come first and I might need to be patient.

Oh, and I hope you and yours have had a Happy Thanksgiving. :-D

[PlieRow666]

Oh...I wonder what the sequel is bout?

[TwilightDrgn]

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[Viper Pit]

i wonder if dragons like spicy food?

[Vutava]

Looks like Thyella's got some competition.

[linkhedgehog]

So, I hate to be negative on a hopeful chapter, but I was mostly hoping my issues would improve over the course of the story, but they never really changed. I really think you need to find an editor. There are too many grammatical errors than would make sense to correct in every chapter. Wording for some things could be changed around to make sentences flow better. I really loved the idea, and the story was interesting, but I think it could have been better with an editor.

[Dragonwaz]

Glad you got it out and finished but it feels very rushed. I'm not going to talk about the spelling and editing errors cause you mentioned that it hasn't been edited yet. However I have two major problems with this story as it stands.

1) Shadow Sparkle is completely pointless. I don't know if you had more plans for him or not but as it stands you could completely replace him with Shining Armor or another random guard. Adding him along as a third younger child to the Sparkle family amounted to nothing, like you forgot he was even related to her by the time you started the reveal. His biggest contribution was the fight scene and the reminiscing with Sunset at the start. He had no moment of finding out she was his sister or even saying goodbye. One moment Twilight is relaxing with the girls and he's suddenly there to react to the Dragon Lord flying over before dropping of the face of the story. Also for future reference avoid using Black and red color schemes, not saying don't use them at all, but always be careful doing it cause it's considered as bad as making an alicorn OC. (And no one will save you if you make it a black and red alicorn OC. lol)

2) Chrysalis just stops. Like I know there's a whole argument or discussion for a bit but it really feels like a rush to get the conflict over and finish the story as fast as possible. If you were trying to get it over with like that then I guess I can understand but for advice's sake the first four chapters drag their feet due to following two perspectives simultaniously and the pacing is a race to the finish from the fifth chapter on.

[DavisSentoV5]

Hmmm.... Interesting

[WolfDeathNo]

so it would seem there will be another book in the series intriguing.

[Tarlek]

Perhaps we've yet to see the full consequences of the diamond dog's changing of fate.

[112mag211]

8569604
I agree full heartedly with you on that it feels rushed. And i personally think that it could have been fixed by cutting the chapters apart and elongating those parts.

[Viper Pit]

after reading this I got some questions

1 what will happen with twilight (Im sure i wil find out in the sequal if there is one)

2 do dragons enjoy spicy food

3 what will twilight do when she meets discord? will discord and twilight like each other or hate each other

4 will some famuse dragons make cameos like deathwing smoug spyro and kalameet for example

Edit: I would also like darkeater midir to make a cameo of possible that dragon is a grade A badass

[K-O-D-E-X]

Interesting but for everything that happened this feels too rushed and I agree with Dragonwaz like this had a lot of potential with the world building it had but it felt like it was wasted on the whole invasion event, it's like you could have even addressed what it was that made the channeling and alicorns clash, and this whole Storm princes was a bit out of place, Also the family reveal was way to sudden for it to have had the impact it should have had.

[Vaguely Demented]

Glad to finally read the end of this. On the whole I think it's good. It does lose some of its polish in the later chapters but a lack of an editor will do that. I like the Dragon Emporer's description, but I think his personality could be a little more fleshed out, it just feels like he should leave more of an impression with his words given his size.

[8bitmadness]

8573044
true. doesn't the japanese name for dark knight translate as magic swordsman instead?

[the other sans]

that looked like lightening passing through it

1. Lightning.

[LinkGirl]

Wow, come from behind finish lol From hiatus to ending very nice

[Lord Eclipse Knight]

Can't wait for the Sequel

[Xepher]

This story had some really fun ideas in it overall, but these last few chapters... it felt a bit like the plot was on rails and far, far too predictable. The number of technical (grammar/spelling) mistakes was pretty high as well (as others have pointed out) to the point of being almost distracting.

Still though, I'm glad to see this one completed, so we weren't left wondering, and it was a fun read!

[ExoDemonG]

8633728
The next story I’ll have someone help me with it

[Thomas_C]

Can't wait for the next story. I'm very excited.

[lunashonorguard]

The story was good but in my opinion it needs a fair amount of sprucing up. It has so many words that are in the wrong place or just shouldn't be there at all that its rather annoying. Again i liked the story just needs more cleaning.

[Kichi]

Liked it... waiting for a sequel.

[Pony_Person_123]

Sequel?

[Randomfastreader]

8715083
It has been marked
8633731
You have been marked😐
and I am watching you....

[Sneaky_Commenter]

After reading through Twilight: The Dragon Sorceress, and then getting distracted by life, I have finally finished my review. *slow clap*it ended up over 2k words long.

The TL;DR: very interesting premise, lots of good ideas and scenes, but suffers from flawed execution. I Would love to read the sequel when it comes out.

The story started out strong. I’m a huge fan of stories about dragons, and the premise did get my interest. our favorite bookworm being raised by dragons? Sounds great! the intro where Twilight is kidnapped really got me hyped.

But then the time skip happened. most of the stories problems are created or exacerbated by the time skip. I’ll try to explain point by point and give advice if I can think of solutions, but most of the solutions I can think of would probably require a rewrite.

The Unanswered Questions

At the end of the story there are a lot of big questions left unanswered, most of them were about what happened during the time skip. Which is a shame, since a lot of the answers could make for some interesting scenes, with or without the time skip.

Why was Twilight kidnapped?We are never told, and since no other kidnappings were mentioned, I can only assume it was not because diamond dogs just randomly crawl in through people’s windows to kidnap children to work in their mines.

Whatever happened to the kidnapper?The diamond dog who kidnapped Twilight disappears out of the story as soon as he disappeared into that hole in the ground, there is not even a throwaway line about him.

If you do a rewrite, having an arc focusing on Twilight trying to investigate her past could be cool. Plus, having Twilight track down her kidnapper to ask some hard questions could make for an interesting scene.

How did Twilight end up being raised by dragons in Netherscale?This is the big one, and we have no idea. How exactly did Twilight get from being kidnapped by a diamond dog in Canterlot to being raised by dragons in Netherscale?

Did the dragons buy Twilight at a black-market pet store?

Did the dragons hire diamond dogs to kidnap Twilight?

Did the dragons rescue Twilight from a diamond dog slave camp?

Did the dragons find Twilight next to a dying diamond dog?

Did the diamond dogs give Twilight to the dragons as a gift?

Did the dragons win Twilight in a game of poker?

Or something else I haven’t thought of?

Basically, we do not know if Twilight was dropped at the feet of the dragons do to a series of unlikely events, or if the dragons were somehow behind her kidnapping.

How did Twilight become a half-dragon?The closest we get to an answer is a throwaway line about “Dragon milk” being a possible factor, which only raises different questions.

Like, is the name just a poetic description, like calling lava “blood of the earth”, or are dragons actually mammals, since they can apparently lactate?

On that thought, it might explain why Spike is the only dragon we see on the show without wings, if dragons are normally exposed to some kind of draconic transformation magic while growing up, growing up with ponies would mean Spike wouldn't have gotten exposed.

Or Since the dragons wouldn’t know enough about unicorn magic to teach her how to use her own magic, did the dragons transform her into a half-dragon so they could teach her their magic instead?

The Original Characters

This story has a lot of original characters. not that original characters are automatically a problem, not as long as they are given the screen time to let the readers get to know and love them. But sadly, the time skip robbed you of a good opportunity. Without the time skip, we could have gotten to know them organically as Twilight did.

original characters are basically unavoidable in a story with a premise like this. with all the dragons and how much Twilight will change with an entirely different childhood, most of the main cast will basically have to be original characters.

But It doesn’t help that there are a few superfluous characters, Like the dragon princess’s bodyguards and the unfortunately named Shadow Sparkle, who did not have much of a reason to be in the story and didn’t do much either. they were not very memorable and had not had the screen time to change that. – My recommendation would be cutting them out.

Like, why would the dragon princess have two slightly taller teen dragons as bodyguards?

I mean, they are dragons, they can do better. like using a grown dragon or *hint, hint* a dragon sorcerer as a bodyguard.

Using Twilight as the bodyguard gives you a good justification to send her to Equestria. if Twilight is looking for a way to find out about her past, she might volunteer for the job to get to Equestria to investigate her past.

The Missing Butterflies

With Twilight removed from Equestria before she even got her mark, there should be a lot of changes to the events of the show. but things appear largely unchanged without Twilight.

While I could see some events would still happen somewhat the same with a replacement element bearer, like defeating Nightmare Moon and Discord. Others, not so much.

I mean, I can’t see how Spike would have ended up the exact same without Twilight.

While I could see Celestia thinking that a dragon companion would be a good idea for the alicorn she was training as her replacement. – since a dragon companion would insure that the new alicorn would still have a source of companionship that could match their lifespan, just in case Celestia doesn’t survive Nightmare Moon’s return. – I cannot see Sunset Shimmer or Cadance turning Spike into their personal assistant. Although, for different reasons.

Sunset Shimmer’s attitude had her on thin ice with Celestia as it was. Turning the baby dragon she was responsible for into her unpaid intern would probably be crossing a line.

For Cadance, it is because she is far more empathetic and emotionally mature, I cannot see her turning any child she was responsible for into her servant.

I feel like Spike is one of the elements from the show that doesn’t fit in very well in your story. I honestly think having Spike grow up in Netherscale alongside Twilight might have work better.

I guess what I’m trying to say is; in an AU like this, if the big things stay the same then the smaller things should at least have changed some.

As far as I can see, other than replacing Twilight with Sunset Shimmer, things hasn’t changed at all. Which can kinda be blamed on the time-skip.

The Questionable Worldbuilding

I think that was everything that could be blamed on the time-skip. I don’t want to come off as mean spirited, but there are parts of the worldbuilding that didn’t quite work so well. If you think I’m way off the mark, you can call this the nitpicking section.

The dragons in this story don t really feel like the dragons on the show.It is a minor nitpick, I do realize a lot of it is because the story is pre-Gauntlet of Fire. But there is still some worldbuilding that make me raise an eyebrow.

Dragons travel in blimps? They live in a basically normal city named Netherscale? Dragons have a story about a sun dragon and a moon dragon who go through some suspiciously similar events to Nightmare Moon? (It wasn’t specified if it was History or myth) they honestly feel more like the ponies from the show.

So yeah, at times the dragons feel more like ponies in dragon-suits.

If dragons can't use magic, how can they teach Twilight to use magic?‘Dragon Sorceress’ is in the title, so I was surprised when we were told that sorcery isn’t something dragons are actually capable of.

Dragons being unable to use magic didn’t seem to match what MLP Dragons are like either. Spike could teleport things with his fire, which is just as magical as what most unicorns can do. Which also made me wonder why Spike was an earth dragon, he breaths magical fire.

The odd Dragon / Pony diplomacy.The political relationship between the dragons of Netherscale and the ponies of Equestria is somewhat odd. normally, saying that dragons and ponies have bad blood between each other wouldn’t make me raise an eyebrow, but the dragons in this story are supposed to be an entirely different kind of dragons to the ones we saw on the show.

On top of that, the dragons and ponies supposedly don’t like each other, and yet, they are the only foreigners invited to the wedding. And considering how shucked Celestia was to see Twilight with the dragons, it couldn’t have been her plan to reunite Shining Armor with his little sister.

The Conflict Resolutions

I really like the idea of Twilight being invited to her brother’s wedding on accident, and there was a lot of cool ideas and scenes in the story. but I was left somewhat unsatisfied by how the main conflicts were resolved.

The family reunion.

When I first read the story, I thought that Twilight seeking out her family or dealing with the drama of the surprise family reunion would be the main focus for the story.

And while that was still the case, it was seriously undercut by how everyone recognized Twilight as soon as she stepped off the airship and everyone is just awkwardly a step away from actually putting two and two together for most of the story. it wouldn’t be a problem if they had gone either way instead of being stuck awkwardly in-between.

It honestly made Twilight come off as inconsistently observant. – She can sniff out shapeshifters and plots while in a place she has never been with mysterious gut feelings, while she appears rather obtuse when it comes to her past and old family.

If you ever do a rewrite, you might want to give everyone less clues to work with on the family front. Some ways you could do it.

Have Luna and the disguised Chrysalis meet with the dragons coming off the airship.

Luna and Chrysalis have little to no chance of recognizing Twilight. at best, they might have heard that Shining Armor once had a little sister.

As a bonus, it can be the clue that makes Twilight investigate “Cadance”. During Twilight’s reunion with her mom, Twilight Velvet could mention that Cadance used to be Twilight’s babysitter, which could make Twilight wonder why Cadance failed to recognize her at all.

Have Twilight go by another name.

if the dragons can’t read equestrian, she wouldn’t know how either. That way she wouldn’t know what’s written on the blanket, or her real name. – she could still compare the two blankets if she had memorized the symbols without knowing what they meant.

Personally, I would have had her go by the name Sparkle or Sparky. it is sort of like a dragon name, just not a very threatening one. plus, as a little unicorn, she would make sparks while trying to do magic.

Have Twilight spent less time in the castle

If Twilight knew she was originally from Canterlot, she might ditch the wedding preparations to look for her original family.

She could go to the police to look through missing persons records to find out who she used to be. And as a plus, Twilight would have a reason to show up at her mother’s door.

as much as I love the scene where Twilight found her mother, the original scenario kinda made Twilight look a bit like a stalker.

Twilight could get the clues she needs to start investigating “Cadance” by talking with her mother about the childhood she couldn’t remember.

As a bonus, it gives Twilight an opportunity to talk about her childhood with the dragons. Something my long list of unanswered questions indicate I would like to see more of. *hint, hint*

The changeling invasion.

Having the changeling invasion stopped by negotiations is a good idea, but having the negotiations happen mid invasion is super awkward.

It would probably be a minor change to make Chrysalis surrender before the wedding.

I hope all this can help you, and that I didn't come off too as mean spirited.

[Viper Pit]

8731616
when is the sequal?

[Randomfastreader]

8757016
that is a wall of text if i've ever seen one!!!

8757459
not quite too sure, but seeing as this was so long ago it can't be long from now.

[ExoDemonG]

8757016
...
...
...

... Shit man all that and you gave me a Whole new story with all that... like damn just reading that gave me so many ideas O_O

This isn’t a bad thing though oh no, I think this is fantastic. I might need to copy and paste the questions and tips what you put down and use them.

[Viper Pit]

8757495
lets hope so cause so many question need to be answered

[Jep_Pearl]

8757498
Sequel

[Sneaky_Commenter]

8757498
It is just one of those stories that get stuck in your head after you read it, I have had the story on my mind for a while, which resulted in a slowly growing word document.

I’m glad it helped you, and hope you have fun with all the new ideas.

[Cipher800]

This deserves a sequel in the Crystalling where Twilight meets her niece.

[Noctis Prism]

Wow, fun story here!

[Tali_The_Lamia]

8757016
You literally just stated every question I asked XD

[fanreader999999]

Remarkably little.

[Midnight Prophecy]

9075474
If I am not mistaken this could have been initially drafted before Ember was introduced as a character, and as such would likely mean that Amber is an OC.

[Jep_Pearl]

8757498
Sequal

[benjamin]

fucking amazing story dudei caint wait for the sequal keep up the good work

[Bob936753]

9567616
I haven't read this in a while, but I thought it was a name in the context I read it in. So, I was wondering if Amber was a random OC, or maybe an OC related to someone in the series

[Tali_The_Lamia]

9950550
Maybe so, but she still has the knowledge. However you are right, hands on...er hoofs on knowledge is good to get as well.

[Teraunce]

interesting premise. too bad it badly needs a rewrite and the reimagining is dead.

[Ali della Morte]

10301114
Too bad that rewrite has been on hiatus for 2 years.

[Jothebrofeddy]

10402275
now it's been cancelled.

[Ali della Morte]

10534213
Wow. Everything this guy has done, if it's not complete, it's cancelled. I wonder why...