A Simple Problem

When Colgate discovers that her coltfriend is cheating on her she vows off dating all together, will she stick to her guns or will she find a special somepony? Follow Ponyville's dentist on her jorney through a thing called love.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 11 )

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sierra_seven_

sierra_seven_ #1 · Aug 8th, 2012 · 1 · ·

Not bad! Seems Colgate fics are getting more popular, I know mine went down well Good job though, Colgate seems pretty in-character (canon-wise, I doubt there's enough of her in the series to give away her personality!) Keep it up!

Fimbulvinter

Fimbulvinter #2 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

Seems like a good start.
There havn't been many good Colgate fics for a while, Lets see where this one goes.

azednew

azednew #3 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

Moar. 'Nuff said.

Fimbulvinter

Fimbulvinter #4 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

1048292 I am reading yours right now. It is exempt from above comment.
Brushie, Brushie.

Green_Hooves

Green_Hooves #5 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

Why must you be such a brilliant writer?!

PonIver

PonIver #6 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

Some thoughts. Don't take this as me deriding you, just personal observances.

First, while it's not horridly outstanding, the story suffers moderate grammar issues. Particularly in the use (or lack thereof) of commas. I say this a lot (and I mean it, so take this seriously) but the best way to learn them is to read your work aloud, as it it written on the page, word for word. If you feel the need to pause, you should have a comma there. If you're unsure, read again without pausing and see if it sounds right.

Second, I find the intro a bit weak. It does nothing to grab the reader, just describes the setting without having anythin interesting to say. I believe the saying is that is has 'too much tell, not enough show'.

Third, the story transitions from one scene to the next a bit abruptly. Particularly between dinner and the video rental store. Use the space to have some exposition. Let us know more on the characters feelings and thoughts instead of the actions taking place.

That aside, you've got a cute idea here. Some good lines, but they have trouble standing out among the rest of the fic due to pacing. Keep working at it, and this is sure to be something great.

Good luck!