Abstract Love

by Faedelaide

I Guess This is it Then, Isn't it?

When I first showed up here... in this void of mine, I wanted to believe that I was dreaming. I wanted to badly to believe I could get out, that I could see her again and make things right. I can't. I know that now. I should've known it as soon as I awoke here, but call me overly optimistic, naïve, or just plain stupid, cause that's what I am.

When I awoke, the first thing I remembered was the cold. I'd left Rainfall's house with nothing but my coat to take with me. I remember walking for a while, not caring about the freezing wind blowing through my hair. People stared at me as I walked, some in wonder and recognition, others in concern and sympathy. I didn't bother to look up from the icy sidewalk as I journeyed on. I think I eventually made it to a train station or something of that sort. I walked past the ticket booth, into the station area and sat... and waited. I looked at my hooves, and I couldn't shake this feeling of... lifelessness in that moment. I don't remember hearing the train's whistle, nor the talking of nearby ponies. I do remember the cold slowly beginning to fade away, and the sky darkening with each passing minute. But weirder still, The figures around me began to swirl and twist out of the corner of my vision. I turned to look at them, but they were blurry, undefined. It almost looked as if they were ghosts, stuck in limbo and waiting for their judgement. Perhaps I was there as well, just waiting for the powers that be to send me away to my eternal damnation. Who knows at this point?

That was the first memory I ever had when I arrived here, and now it's the only thing I have left to show I ever truly lived. I can't remember her name, I can't remember her face, I don't think I even know who she is anymore. All I know is now is her voice, and that I miss her... so much.

Oh what have I done? What did I DO!? Is this why I'm being punished? I know I won't get any answers no matter what! Is this what the gods want from me, to sit around like some miserable fucking maggot until I finally keel over? Huh!? Go on "god" or whatever the hell you are, why don't you go ahead and tell me what the FUCK is wrong with me? But you won't! You never have! All you've given me is proof that I'm just as worthless as I always thought I was. Or maybe I knew I was worthless. I mean, obviously, I don't actually think, I just bullshit my way through life, throw everything good out like week old trash, then freeze to death because I couldn't just keel over like a normal pony, I had to go out all dramatically because I still want someone to know I exist.

And what do I do to the one person who knew I existed, who cared for me, wholly and truly? I take advantage of her kindness and spit in her face. What a disgrace.

...sigh

...

...Well? I finished my story. I told my whole stupid, tragic backstory, I sat and cried in this living nightmare! What more do you want from me? DO YOU HEAR ME!? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!? Do you want me to do a song and dance number for you, want me to appease your psychotic sensibilities? I would, you know, if you didn't take all of my memories, asshole!

Is it too much to ask that I just die in peace? Do I have to spend the rest of eternity sitting here, basting in the rotted thoughts oozing from my empty head? Am I just going to be stuck here until the end of time? I don't want this! I never wanted this! I just... I just wanted to... oh...

That night... In the cold, when I was waiting for the train... I just wanted everything to go away. Well, I guess I got my wish, didn't I? All that's left now is me, a lone pony, sitting on a pitch black field, lying against a pitch black tree, just waiting for my last memory to leave me be. Then, I can sit alone for the rest of time. I can finally get what I deserve.

But... it's not what I deserve. I know that. I just... wanted to believe I was something special. I wanted to prove it to myself. But I kept getting in my own way. Why did I do that? Maybe I thought if I kept bringing myself down, I could only go up, only improve, only better myself. But I didn't better myself, I turned into an empty, emotionally distant jerkwad who couldn't tell love even when it was right in his face.

Maybe that's really why I'm here. Not because of my transgressions, or lack of faith, but because I believed that those things made me a worse pony. This place isn't purgatory because I'm stuck here alone, it's hell because I'm stuck here with myself, my own worst enemy.

Maybe, if things were different, If I were a better stallion than I was before, Rainfall and I could've lived happily ever after. We would've loved ourselves for what we were, and each other for what we could be.

That should've been my wish that night. Not to forget, or to fade away, but to know better. To love myself. To live, to enjoy life, and to know I deserved my place on this planet. Because like it or not, I'm Spiral Wave god dammit!

Hey... my name... That's right, it was Spiral Wave. What a nice name.

Well, if I'm staying here for the rest of time, the least I could do is learn to enjoy my own compan-

...Hey... What is that light?