Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
One Bad Apple
Dear Princess Celestia,
Let me start off by saying I hate kids. I never wanted any myself, and then mom had to go and die during Apple Bloom's birth, then dad of course ran away with that whore from Baltimare. Somehow, we kept the pooping, crying birth defect from dying until she was old enough to do chores on the farm. So just when she's starting to get decent at farm labor so she could get an apple mark, she goes and makes friends with two more idiot fillies. Personally, I blame public schooling. Why is “practice what you're already good at” so hard to teach? Why, back when I was in school, if you acted up, you got a ruler on the hooves, paddle on the ass, and soap in the mouth. As far as I can tell, I turned out alright because of all that. I didn't want kids because all the damn laws today. You're not allowed to beat their ass; you're supposed to give them a 'time out.' Fuck that. So I gave them the old tree house, so they would stay as far away from me as possible.
So now that I've gotten that problem taken care of for the most part, what does the sophisticated family over in the east do? Well, they dump another one on me! All because they can't deal with a bullying problem. Do you realize what this is going to do? If Babs, however unlikely, has a good time here, and then has to go back to her miserable existence in Manehattan, is gonna want to come back here all the time. And if her family up there is too stupid to deal with bullies, then they just might be stupid enough to let her live down here. I am not a hootin' foalsittin' service. If they don't stop jumping around me like a bunch of wild banshees while waiting for the train, I've got a mind to warm up the branding iron and give them all their cutie marks early.
So they take Babs and give her the dime tour of the clubhouse, showing her all the key features and places. Too bad they don't know that the bulls-eye on the floor was also where Rainbow and I...uh...you know what, never mind. Then they take her over to the barn where they've been working on their pumpkin float for the town parade, and of course get interrupted by their two favorite future whores. For as good a job as Apple Bloom did fixing up the clubhouse, she did a shitty job putting on the wheel. Seriously, if it can be knocked off with a single pathetic hoof strike, I wouldn't feel safe getting in that thing. Or maybe they mixed up their roles again, hoping to win the parade's Best Comedy Act. Maybe lightning can actually strike twice.
So Babs goes over to the dark side and leave to learn the ways of the Force with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The crusaders then go about Ponyville attempting to avoid Babs, while singing “yeeaahheeaahheeahh” wherever they go. Because they're not snitches. Nope, they're bitches.
So they return to the clubhouse only to discover that Sith Lord Seed has taken it over. So once again, instead of coming to me, and allowing me to prosecute them for trespassing, they slink away to Sweetie Belle's bedroom. They didn't want to tell me, they didn't want to tell Rarity, and they REALLY didn't want to Twilight. I can understand that at least. Knowing her, she probably would've joined Babs in the clubhouse.
Coming up with a plan for revenge, they meet in the barn and create another float. Not to mention that I think I know where Rarity's been making those extra bits on the side. I think I can count on one hoof how many professions require edible clothing.
After building their new float to the theme of an old neighties TV show, they get all set to spring their trap. After being as subtle as possible with the winking and mattress, I told them about her bullying problems back home, and they knock Babs out of the float just before it tumbled off the cliff. Apple Bloom must have built this one, because this one stayed in one piece when it hit the bottom. Giving them all a bath back home, I told them that it was better to be a snitch then a bitch. After all, you only have to worry about snitches in prison. Afterward, Sweetie Belle steals more of Rarity's golden fabric to make Babs a crusader cape. They say their goodbyes at the train station, and to prove her training went well, Babs force pushed Diamond and Silver into a mud pit. Come to think of it, why is there a pig pen right next to the train walkway?
Part of me wants to tell them that never in the history of Equestria has there been a kids club for finding Cutie Marks. If this keeps up too much longer, it'll be too late. Scootaloo will be sent to the Rainbow Factory, Rarity will probably skin Sweetie Belle to make up for all the stolen supplies with still no Cutie Mark to show for it, and in the case of Apple Bloom, well, I hear Pinkie is looking for a baking assistant.
Your loyal farmer-not-foalsitter,
Applejack
Am I the only one who's starting to get tired of everypony being a cock juggling thundercunt in this fic?
2137196
Yes, you probably are the only one.
2137196 What were you expecting?
References FTW! I'm still holding my sides!
2137217 Why, discussions on current issues in the modern Equestria over a cup of tea, of course.
2137217 They're all starting to sound like the same pony...
And that pony is rule 63 George Carlin.
even though i love the bitchiness, this is just putting it into overdrive. i prefer having twilight be the super bitch while the others are *almost* normal.
2137196
If you're getting tired of it, you're probably missing the point of this fic.
Why can't I hold all these references?
2137276 Please refer to the comment right below yours.
He's pretty much saying what I'm feeling.
Two in one day? You're on a role!
You definitely make it noticable that AJ is not as much of a b as Twilight.
2137295 Didn't really have a choice in this episode. Twilight doesn't even make an appearance.
2137304 Yeah but it seems like the mane 6 are complete bitches, not just Twilight.
That's my problem with it. The earlier chapters were much better because we only got Twilight's perspective.
She appeared to be the only mega cunt and everyone else seemed somewhat normal.
That's what was funny about it for me. It's not so funny when EVERYONE is acting like a bitch, rather thanone bitch that sticks out.
2137323 Like I said, without Twilight in the episode, I can't really give it that Letters charm without making somepony else, well, disgruntled. I've also enjoyed having this fanon taking on a life of it's own. That's why drug-addicted Pinkie has become more common.
Now I'm wondering how old is Applejack in this story. I'm also guessing her dad will die later when it becomes her episode again.
2137196 No you aren't. I was fine with it when it was just Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie, but I'd like it if the rest were more sane than that.
Why are the mane 6 such asses? Lol Great Chapter
2137196
None of the ponies are nice in this fic.
Not even Fluttershy.
2137329 Could be a reference to The Secret Life of Rarity. If you haven't read it yet, do so! Words cannot describe its sheer awesomeness.
Okay so now Applejack's getting tired of putting up with the CMC and we know that Pinkie Pie really is a drug lord. Let me guess next we're going to see Rainbow Dash turn into a elder you-know-what abomination and then even Fluttershy and Rarity. Speaking of which are you going to write a letter where Rarity complains about getting no love?
2137703 Elder...what?
And not sure if I can fit in a reference to the lack of a Rarity episode. I'll see what I can do. Currently working on Magic Duel.
2137660 Yes. I know that.
Kinda makes me wonder how anything gets done in that fic.
2137750 Elder B.I.T.C.H
Also I hope you'll provide some clarification as to why this Twilight didn't get Trixie in bed with her. I can imagine something like "Just when I was about to show her how weak and powerless she was she ran off again. Seriously am I ever going to get any more action?"
2137771 Any more?
Did she get some when I wasn't at the keyboard?
2137780
There's still debate over whether she had that threesome or not. The question lies here... bitch, mindraped, or insane?
2137780 There's her supposed three way with Shining Armor and Cadence at the end of "A Canterlot Wedding Part 2". Of course we don't know if she's telling the truth but she sures believes she is.
2137196
Every extreme situation needs a straight man, otherwise everything just becomes grey. Great use of adjectives, I also like "Cocksneeze" "Cockholster" "Jizz-pistol" etc. as well as the classics like "Pain in the hairy-front-bum"
2137270
Essentially this. Extreme character warping only works when they're somebody to play off the foibles. The first chapters were brilliant, but I feel you've lost the plot a little with what made these stories so great. It feels a bit... Phoned in? Not that you aren't writing it well, simply that you don't have the same love for writing it that you started off with.
If everybody's eccentric, eccentric is normal, and that's boring.
I couldnt care less whos wrighting whos a bitch and whos the saint, As long as its funny as living hell and bukko this story delivers. So keep the funny coming no matter whos it from becuse as far as am conserned these are thoughtsi n the back of their heads!
As usual, your letters bring an evil smile to my face... but then, this:
I just lost it.
That matches her expression perfectly.
2137246
And perhaps a lovely game of Cricket to pass the time?
Oh Jesus, I hope AJ is wrong about the Rainbow Factory.
Bitchiness is one thing, but that's flat out murder.
Other than that though....
2137196
I am so using that somewhere.
2138002 changelings or pinkiedrugs. We will never know.
This was just too good!
Can someone explain to me where the "Rarity skinning Sweetie Belle" reference comes from?
2137196
2138326 I think it's a reference to "The Secret life of Rarity." Basically, in that fic, Rarity is a serial killer.
2137196
>not understanding the entire charm of this fic
2137196 Silly Atlas, Twilight can't even get near a cock!
"I've got a mind to warm up the branding iron and give them all their cutie marks early." That was golden.
Considering how Pinkie is in this fic...
Applebloom: Oooooh... Ah'm so baaked right now...
Seriously though, the series was funnier when Twilight was the only sociopath
I didn't really like this chapter.
And then i cracked up. Excellent entry.
reference ALL the creepypastas!!
I hear Cherilee is good with 'problem fillies.' She could solve the whole towns filly problem for Applejack. Then the great references in magic duel, and then the idea to sell Twilight's dreams for profit. Excellent.
Great chapters, let the anger from your damaged laptop flow into your writing, making you stronger. Give in to the dark side!
Also, thanks for the quick updates recently. I really enjoy these letters and you just gave me 4 in one day. *A New Record!*
...Meep.
Dear Applejack:
I'm so happy for you! Learning all about life raising your sister and her friends- it warms my heart
Your nation's parental sustitute, Princess Celestia
P.S.: I saw what you did in that clubhouse!
Oh applejack you should know that no one EVER takes the easy solution
And I laughed a lot. Again.
WHY AM I LAUGHING SO HARD AT THIS? GODDAM IT BRAIN THAT'S TERRIBLE!
Still, I have to agree with the others. Having everypony being a total cunt is a bit over-the-top.
How do you always make such fantastic endings?