Appledashery

by Just Essay

Where Nobody Knows Your Name

“Bah! Seriously, though, Durandal. Such a weak opening.”

“Then match it, Polyph!”

“I will. I will. Ahem.” The cyclops’ meaty hand reached over the table, grasped a frozen griffon, and slid it forward it parallel to Durandal’s “pawn.” “F7 to F5.”

“Now who’s weak…?”

“Shut it,” Polyph grunted. “I’ve played this game with the best of them, y’know.”

“Yeah yeah. G2 to G3.” Rainbow Dash fought the urge to shiver as a scaled hand grasped the petrified buffalo in front of her and slid it forward a square. “You don’t exactly have a perfect winning streak, ya smelly buffoon.”

“So what if Nobody beat me!”

“Oh, please. Not this again.”

“I mean it! Nobody had a tactical advantage! With those underworld antennae of his, it was a cinch to read my thoughts!”

“Okay. Two things, Polyph. For one: you can’t read minds with antennae. I don’t care how big of a warrior lobster that creep was. For another: his Tartarus-damned name wasn’t ‘Nobody!’”

“Yeah it was!”

“No it wasn’t! He tricked you because you’re a friggin’ idiot!”

“Well, that’s just something that a giant crustacean named ‘Nobody’ would do!”

“If I was a lumbering oaf of a cyclops, I’d wonder how I could find my way home each evening!”

“Yeah, well, be glad you’re just a slimy eel with features… who doesn’t have to play chess with Nobody.”

“Just make your damn move already.”

“Hmmmm…” The cyclops rubbed his bulbous chin, squinting his one eye at the chessboard. At last, he reached down and carried a wyvern with ice-cold “battle armor” out from behind his line of pawns with a zig-zag. “G8 to H6.”

“Wow, I’m surprised you can even count to eight, much less six.”

“Grrrrr…”

The shadow of Durandal loomed over Rainbow Dash as the basilisk carefully considered the board beneath him. “Just why do you wanna play for my lair anyways? You always lose.”

“Ah. But the one day I win will be a glorious day!”

“You’ve already got your cave, don’t you? Why give it away for a mountain full of buffalo?”

“You seem to do fine with it.”

“That’s because I’m smart. One night with these buffalo and you’ll be stabbing your one eye out.”

“Better than letting them stab my eye out!” Polyph slapped the table, causing all the pieces to shake as he let loose a belly-roaring-laugh.

Rainbow Dash jostled in place to match the rattling buffalo around her. She clenched her teeth, feeling her muscles going numb with each prolonged minute of the charade.

At the tail-end of an angry hiss, Durandal said, “Their clan leader snuck up on me when I first went down into the corridors to hunt. I was only trying to eat his mother to sample the meat of the bison’s flesh. I don’t understand why he stabbed me like he did. I figured I was doing him a favor.”

“If you ask me, this mountain’s given you a bum rap! You should be practically giving it to me!”

“Pffft… You’re just suffering from typical cycloptic mountain envy.” A pair of claws came down around Rainbow Dash. The pegasus tensed as she felt herself lifted up in the monster’s massive fingers. She threw every ounce of her fading strength into locking her limbs tight. Soon, she found herself being lowered in a square just to the right of the last moved buffalo. “You want a mountain to yourself so you can brag to all your bastard sisters and brothers. Ahem. G1 to H3.”

“Actually, I just want less distance to cover between where I sleep and where I go to hunt for meat!” Polyph said. “Winter’s long gone. The nights are far shorter. With the Tartarusian Curse n’all, it’s murder trying to get from one place to another above ground!”

“Heh, don’t I know it, pal…”

Rainbow Dash’s face scrunched up. While Polyph moved a frozen pegasus from his end of the table, she glanced all around the lair, her limbs starting to quake and tremble. “Tartarusian Curse… Tartarusian Curse…” She gritted her teeth. “Where… have I heard that…”

Just then, the pegasus gasped. She clenched her eyes shut.

---

Inside Twilight Sparkle’s library, several nondescript months ago…

“And so, to protect Equestria from future incursions, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna sealed up Tartarus with a curse!” The unicorn smiled wide as she flipped a book in front of her. “This curse would make it so that all creatures imprisoned inside Tartarus would have a difficult time adjusting to the surface world if they were to escape! Namely, they placed a spell on all the monsters, giving them skin that would melt and burn as soon as they came in contact with the sun’s solar rays!” She flipped the page. “This was called the ‘Tarturusian Curse, and it included natural daylight, reflected sunlight, and also magically recreated solar energy!”

Twilight looked up from the book, smiling wide.

“Wow, Rainbow! Isn’t that amazing?!”

Rainbow Dash belched, hanging upside down from a light fixture as her mane dangled boredly. “How come this place doesn’t have any comic books?”

Twilight stamped her hooves, frowning. “Rainbow…!”

“I need awesome pictures! None of this Tartar Sauce Crucifix nonsense!”

“Are you even listening to me?”

“You know this place smells like a bookbag, right?”

---

Rainbow Dash gasped. “Omigosh! Of course!” Her lips curved as she whispered, “The Tartar Sauce Curse!”

In desperation, her eyes darted around the entirety of the Cloudstone-covered cavern. At last, she saw something that looked strikingly familiar.

Towards the far end of the cave, a large set of doors hung, thick and blue and splintery. They looked exactly like the doors Rainbow Dash had seen when she first met Churning Bag hours ago.

There was a reason for that…

Rainbow Dash smirked devilishly. As the wheels turned in her head, she listened in on the game happening on both sides of her.

Comments

[Keradon]

Much later, once Twilight hears of this....

..........

[Tchernobog]

And chances are, once she opens those doors, it'll be night time.

[Lilith Evanson]

Tartar sauce curse!

[Lightning Bearer]

Wow, Rainbow actually remembered all that. Good on her!

3926712

With any luck, the sun will be rising and the doors face east. Rainbow can be Gandalf to the buffaloes' dwarfs.

[zaponator]

Cool, now she just has to wait for Chekhov's eyeball jar to trigger and she can throw open the doors of melty-face all over these dudes!

[Spinner of Tales]

I'm hearing Gimli now...

"The sun is rising..."

[YoshiFawful64]

3926465
She'd probably be cringing in pain over the terrible game of chess, if Rainbow manages to remember how it went. For those who didn't pay attention, here's the game so far:

1.f3 f5 2.g3 Nh6 3.Nh3

[Misspegasister_]

GO DASHIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Metal Aura]

"I mean it! Nobody had a tactical advantage! With those underworld antennae of his, it was a cinch to read my thoughts!”

That was truly amazing. I laughed.

[Snowdrifter]

3926899
Sounds fishy to me...

[arancaytar]

“So what if Nobody beat me!”

Squee, nerdy references