Appledashery

by Just Essay

Dashtriliquist

“Aaaaaaand…” Durandal picked up Churning Bag, glided him over the chessboard, and viciously knocked over one of Polyph’s pegasi. “Your knight is mine.”

“By Cocytus Shores!” The cyclops grumbled, watching as his frosted pony prisoner rattled to a stop on its outstretched limbs. “How’d you get past my pawns so easily?!”

“It helps to be not-stupid.”

“The moment you surrender this lair to me, I am so making you eat dirt!”

“In your dreams, ya oaf,” Durandal groaned. “You’re never getting my cave.”

“Kiss it goodbye. Because, some way or another…” The monstrous biped lifted a wyvern, slide it across the table, and “took out” the pawn besides Rainbow’s side. “...I’m gonna win it.”

Rainbow Dash winced, hear ear twitching from the petrified buffalo rattling to a stop beside her. Sweat was starting to wash away the flakes of flour clinging to her coat. On top of that, she felt her limbs going increasingly numb. It was getting harder and harder to maintain her “frozen” stance. In a matter of minutes, she’d utterly collapse across the stone tile, and she very much doubted that she could pop a pill down her throat within a long enough blink for both of the monsters avoid noticing.

“Pffft. At least let me live out this crummy place’s usefulness, first.”

“What in the demon crap could you be holding onto this place so hard for?”

“With that tone, I wonder why you’d even want it.”

“Just answer the question, ya slimy eel!”

Durandal moved Rainbow Dash in a brazen zig-zag and spoke above her. “The last few times I went down to munch on some bison, I listened to the stupid grunts speaking. I heard something about a clan of business-sucking unicorn from the southwest.”

“Southwest?” Polyph trembled slightly. “You mean.. cl-closer to the Sun Horse’s Capital?!”

“Oh please. This has nothing to do with her.” Durandal stifled a reptilian yawn and murmured, “Seems as though a bunch of rich ponies see something interesting in this Mountain.”

“Hah! That’s a first! I’m competing with tiny horses in tiny suits!” Polyph raised a frozen griffon with razor sharp claws and shoved him towards Rainbow Dash. He paused when the frosted creature’s beak was just inches away from poking out the pegasus’ eyes. Rethinking his move, the cyclops dragged the griffon back, placed him in the original square, and continued pondering the next move. “Hmmm… but what do these morsels want with the Mountain?”

“Beats me, but they are willing to pay the buffalo out the rectum with untold loads of riches.”

“What in Tartarus’ name would a basilisk want with pony money?”

“Nothing. But if I can capture the little creeps and hold them for ransom…”

Rainbow’s eyes darted towards the top of her sockets as she twitched at that.

Durandal continued in a hissing tone: “...well, I just might be able to get them to pay me in unicorn sorcery.”

“What kind of sorcery?”

“I hear that ponies have healing properties fit enough to rival the voodoo of zebras! Why, if I got them to do I wanted with their glittery horns, they could restore me to my former glory!”

“What, you suffering ulcers or something, Durandal?”

“No, you half-witted bucket of vomit! They could get me my eye back!”

“Ha! And give you back your death stare?! No thank you. You’re the only basilisk I can play chess with, and I intend to keep it that way until I get your lair.”

“Polyph, use your brain--what’s left of it. You’re too big for me to kill, much less petrify.”

“Yeah, well, you’re ugly enough as it is without a pair of headlights!”

“And you’re predictable. Make a damn move already.”

As Polyph stretched his hand out to drag a frozen wyvern over, Rainbow Dash’s eyes darted once more towards the large doors situated at the far end of the Cloudstone-laden cavern. She glanced behind Polyph’s massive rump. Her nostrils flared, and she tensed her throat muscles for what was going to happen next.

“About time,” Durandal grumbled. He reached down and slid a buffalo with a queen’s crown to the side, preparing to take it out onto the center of the board. “Let’s get this over with, already.”

Polyph said nothing.

That’s when Rainbow Dash cleared her throat, stretched her neck, and spoke out the left side of her muzzle. ”You know what? I’m totally glad that they took your eye, you stupid salamander!”

Durandal’s jaws snapped. “What?!”

Polyph jerked in his seat, causing the whole cavern to shake. He nearly fell over the chessboard in the act of reaching for a “pawn.” “Huh?!” His one eye blinked in confusion.

“Just because you’re an ugly creep with eye doesn’t make us even! You hear me?!” Durandal grumbled.

“What are you talking about?!”

“Just play the game,” Durandal muttered, folding several of his many-many legs. “I don’t want to hear your underworld-forsaken voice.”

“Pfft. Fine, you crazy snake.”

As Polyph reached for a frozen griffon, Rainbow Dash eyed his movements, then spoke out the right side of her muzzle: ”And besides, suckerclops, you look like something that just crawled out of his mother’s toilet.”

“Grrrrr!” Polyph pounded his fist into the corner of the chessboard, causing cracks to form. “Hey! Are we playing a game or not?!”

“Unnngh…” Durandal sighed long and hard. “Spare me.”

“Just because I have to be silent doesn’t mean you gotta insult my mother!”

“Huh? What are you going on about now? I didn’t say anything.”

“Sure you did! You hissed it!”

“I did not!”

“Then who did?! Huh?!” Polyph growled. “You got a Missus Snake In the Mountain that I don’t know about?!”

“Polyph, you know as well as I do that I haven’t sought another basilisk since the Tartarusian curse neutered us all.”

“Hmmmph! Well you’ve got a fine way of compensating for it!”

“You know what?! If you’re gonna be such a bad sport, we don’t even have to finish this game!”

“So is that it?! You’re forfeiting the match?!” Polyph flexed his shoulder muscles threateningly. “Because I’m fine with that, you noodle turd!”

“What?! No! You’re being ridiculous!”

Rainbow Dash grunted out the right side of her muzzle again: ”Besides, I could beat you with my claws tied behind my back, ya melon fudge!”

“Is that so?!” Polyph’s hand flew across the room and gripped around Durandal’s scaly snout. “I’d like to see you try!”

“Snkkkt! What’s…” Durandal hissed and flung his lower end around, constricting it tightly around Polyph’s neck. “...wh-what’s gotten… hrkkkct… into y-you?!”

“Dunno…” Polyph’s face went blue around his twitching eye. “Can’t… breathe…”

“Me… n-neither…”

“What… do we do…?!”

“Stop… killing… each other… imbecile!”

With double gasps of pain, both monsters released each other, slumping on opposite ends of the chess slab. They took several moments to catch their breaths, writhing with cascading shivers.

“Durandal… old pal… I don’t know what came over me…”

“We’re both tense…” Durandal grumbled, flexing the scales of his throat. “Hrmmmph… We’ve been at this for months and months. It’s like the game goes nowhere.”

“We’re not in Tartarus anymore. We can be civil about this.”

“Hey, look at you. Using abstract words.”

“I know, right? It’s from listening you ramble endlessly.”

“Watch it, now.”

“Yes, yes. I know.” Polyph cracked his neck joints and shuddered. “I guess I just need to relax, is all…”

Rainbow Dash glanced to one wall, then another. At last, she uttered: ”Well, maybe you should grab the… calming lozenge?” She blinked at herself, then blurted: “In your bag!”

“Hey… That’s a good idea.” Polyph swiveled around and reached into his large satchel.

“Huh?” Durandal glanced over. “What’s a good idea?”

“Uhm…” Polyph held a glowing jar in his palm, blinking dumbly at the bright green eye sloshing unevenly within. “This isn’t a chamomile llama… or… what did you call it, Durandal?”

The reptilian gasp that lit the air next was positively deafening. Durandal reared his neck like a cobra. Bright red crests came out of hiding, framing his skull like a burning flower.

”What…” he growled like a hungry pride of lions, and all of them with rabies. “...are you doing… with that?!”

Polyph started to sweat furiously. “Uhhhhhhhhh…”

Comments

[Ormus Von Orbulon]

People who downvote this story are either contemptable fools, who's right to free opinion should be revoked

Or are simply very impatient. And/or dumb.

I mean really -- I've read hundreds and hundreds of fics on this site since 2012, and this sits firmly in the top ten of my rather picky favorites.
And it's not even finished!

No excuses for 19 downvotes. None. I don't care who you are.
Feckless pack of ingrates. Shoo.
~OvO

[Lilith Evanson]

Haha! Rainbow! The things you do...

[MellowMabari]

Getting the oafs to fight each other - Ha, classic! Though Dash gets major points for originality in the execution department. Becoming a chess piece, throwing and altering her voice, and then tricking the villains with a dismembered eyeball - that's definitely the trifecta, right there.

Onward!

[zaponator]

Aaaand... Boom.

[YoshiFawful64]

It's a shame we didn't get to hear any more of their hilariously horrendous chess game. It was like watching a boxing match where both boxers thrash around wildly and punch themselves more than each other, until one of them wins by tripping over his own feet and falling on top of the other one.

[Future Regret]

Bad ASS monster fight next chapter.

[Khao]

I just knew that this was starting to feel like a Hobbit scene.

[LucyHorseThing]

"Because I'm fine with that, you noodle turd!"

I'm so immature...

[Metal Aura]

3931726 That's a bit extreme. People have the right to their own opinions different than yours. The number of dislikes did strike me as odd.

[arancaytar]

That’s when Rainbow Dash cleared her throat, stretched her neck, and spoke out the left side of her muzzle. ”You know what? I’m totally glad that they took your eye, you stupid salamander! ”

Good thinking, Raindalf the Blue.

"Dawn take you all and be stone to you!"

Edit: Except in reverse. Because the trolls wanted to roast the dwarves and got petrified instead, but these guys are petrifying critters and going to get roasted.

[AppleTank]

Is Rainbow going to get a cult named for her after this?