Five days have passed since Twilight received her letter with the entrance exam time, date, and location. Today decided whether Twilight would rise up into the school and enhance her magical ability, or if she failed and continued to be a normal unicorn filly. Nyx hoped she would fail, so Twilight could feel some of the pain she felt. What am I thinking? Nyx told herself. Twilight is my sister, I should be happy for her. Nyx banished the feeling of resentment and moved on to her chores. Meanwhile, Twilight had already scampered to the observatory for her exam.
Nyx, alone on the roof, started to sing a song she remembered from one of her dreams. It always made her feel pleasant. Come little children, I'll take thee away... into a land of enchantment. Come little children, the time's come to play.... here in my garden of shadow.....
Follow sweet children, I'll show thee the way.... through all the pain and the sorrows. Weep not, poor children, for life is this way..... murdering beauty and passions............
Hush now, dear children, it must be this way, too weary of life and deceptions...... Rest now, my children, for soon we'll 'o away.... Into the calm, and the quiet.......
As Nyx finished, her longing for someone who actually appreciated her grew immensely. Here, as a meaningless part of her family, what could she do? The purple-and-black-striped maned pegasus filly sat in silence for awhile and decided to take a nap, as Twilight had woken her up that morning with her "excitement" too early.
Nyx woke up with a shudder, for while she slept it became terribly windy. I should be able to get down without being blown over. I'm a pegasus for neighing out loud! A tear drizzled down Nyx's cheek with the thought. Suddenly, the gale shifted and the filly fell. "OW!" she yelped. "I hope I didn't break anything...." This procrastination was short-lived as hoofbeats approached. Nyx spun around and dashed inside through the back door to her room. Moments after she flew to her bed, Twilight ran into the room, hopping up and down madly.
"NYX! GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY!" The little pegasus grinned falsely, and choked a reply.
"What?"
"I GOT MY CUTIE MARK!!! AND YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT ELSE HAPPENED, SO I'LL JUST TELL YOU!!!" Twilight continued to beam with joy, but Nyx's heart was in quite the opposite state.
Her cutie mark? Already? I haven't even noticed a sliver of commitment towards any talent!
"Well.......... I didn't get into the Princess's school...... but instead..... I'M HER PERSONAL APPRENTICE!!!
The spark that had been created now rose, engulfing all the rage and using it as fuel. Nyx's heart cracked in two, having tolerated enough pain and heartbreak. She stormed out of the room, burst through the door, and flew. She flew and flew and flew 'till she could fly no more. Nyx crashed into a pillar of cloud, and plummeted to what seemed like the end. She could not imagine what awaited her when she woke up.
Hello, everypony! PLEASE check out my story. It took a lot of thought and I'd really appreciate it if you gave it a chance.
Friendship is magic!!!
Oh goodness, its all exposition! Even the dialogue is exposition.
Firstly, I would advise that the story be submitted to a proofreader you may know and trust, or else be directed towards one of the groups on this site that offer such services. While it's competent enough for what I assume is a first story, there are a few instances in the text's grammar and structure that could benefit from correction - such as the redundancy of describing Twilight as "lavender purple", or points where the tense (past, present, etc) seems to change without warning.
It might also be worthwhile considering the story itself and the characters you introduce. The idea of a hitherto-unknown sibling being upstaged by a canon character is common in fanfiction, and it would be wise to take efforts to try and make Nyx stand out from the norm. This wouldn't entail giving her special powers or the like, but simply going into detail about her train of thought and the opinions she may hold about her life would be enough to improve this. Get inside her head, the mixed-parts love and exasperation she may feel for her sister, how she interprets Twilight's own behaviour (and maybe include brief snippets from Twilight's perspective as well - seeing someone else's viewpoint can always be a welcome change of pace, especially if presented sympathetically as well.)
Finally, just as a small detail, I would additionally advise giving the story the 'Alternate Universe' tag, since the premise relies on Twilight having a sister that she never had in canon.
The very best of luck to you in continuing this.
Please don't judge, this is my very first story and I'll try to improve, but I really wanted to get this moving along so I can reach the good parts.
thank you, Carabas, for the advice. I now see my mistakes with present and past tense, and won't hesitate to revise them. Sadly, though, I am brand new and know no proofreaders at all. I have no one to submit it to except myself. If I did know anyone, I would most certainly do that.
3762263
Any of the below groups could be trusted to deal with proofreading and/or general writing advice. Try your luck with them if you like, and see how you fare.
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/244/author-support
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/916/school-for-new-writers
3762263 Really nice writing advice and examples can be found in Exn's writing guide. I used it for stuff I had trouble with, and it's really great.
3763056 Thanks, I'll check that out.
If you have the name of a REALLY popular fic in the description of your story (in the first line no less), then you should rethink your storyboard
3771941 I am only giving credit because i don't want to plagairize.
3771960
In response to your comment about plagiarism
coffee-monster.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/inconceivable.jpg
3771941 go easy on her,(I think she's a she) the reason she gave the title of that (very awesome) fic was so that she wouldn't be accused of plagiarizing that story's main character. You'd know that if you fully read the intro she gives.
this is getting interesting.... i will wait for more.