Nyx, a pegasus filly, hates her family. More importantly, she hates the fact that they're all unicorns. And most specific, she hates the fact that they hate her. And she knows it. Her parents love 'precious little twilight' more than her. And her big brother isn't even here anymore to say anything. So right after Twilight gets accepted as Celestia's student, she hits the road and lives life as an orphan. Which has a larger impact on her life than she thought it would. Let's just say it's as big as the moon is.
Chapters (9)
Hello, everypony!
PLEASE check out my story. It took a lot of thought and I'd really appreciate it if you gave it a chance. 
Friendship is magic!!!
Oh goodness, its all exposition! Even the dialogue is exposition.
Firstly, I would advise that the story be submitted to a proofreader you may know and trust, or else be directed towards one of the groups on this site that offer such services. While it's competent enough for what I assume is a first story, there are a few instances in the text's grammar and structure that could benefit from correction - such as the redundancy of describing Twilight as "lavender purple", or points where the tense (past, present, etc) seems to change without warning.
It might also be worthwhile considering the story itself and the characters you introduce. The idea of a hitherto-unknown sibling being upstaged by a canon character is common in fanfiction, and it would be wise to take efforts to try and make Nyx stand out from the norm. This wouldn't entail giving her special powers or the like, but simply going into detail about her train of thought and the opinions she may hold about her life would be enough to improve this. Get inside her head, the mixed-parts love and exasperation she may feel for her sister, how she interprets Twilight's own behaviour (and maybe include brief snippets from Twilight's perspective as well - seeing someone else's viewpoint can always be a welcome change of pace, especially if presented sympathetically as well.)
Finally, just as a small detail, I would additionally advise giving the story the 'Alternate Universe' tag, since the premise relies on Twilight having a sister that she never had in canon.
The very best of luck to you in continuing this.
Please don't judge, this is my very first story and I'll try to improve, but I really wanted to get this moving along so I can reach the good parts.
thank you, Carabas, for the advice. I now see my mistakes with present and past tense, and won't hesitate to revise them. Sadly, though, I am brand new and know no proofreaders at all. I have no one to submit it to except myself. If I did know anyone, I would most certainly do that.
3762263
Any of the below groups could be trusted to deal with proofreading and/or general writing advice. Try your luck with them if you like, and see how you fare.
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/244/author-support
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/916/school-for-new-writers
3762263 Really nice writing advice and examples can be found in Exn's writing guide. I used it for stuff I had trouble with, and it's really great.
3763056 Thanks, I'll check that out.
If you have the name of a REALLY popular fic in the description of your story (in the first line no less), then you should rethink your storyboard
3771941 I am only giving credit because i don't want to plagairize.
3771960
In response to your comment about plagiarism
coffee-monster.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/inconceivable.jpg
3771941 go easy on her,(I think she's a she) the reason she gave the title of that (very awesome) fic was so that she wouldn't be accused of plagiarizing that story's main character. You'd know that if you fully read the intro she gives.
this is getting interesting.... i will wait for more.
And thank you to those who have defended me. I really appreciate it.
CHAPTER FOUR IS FINISHED AND OUT! I'm sorry it took so long, I've just been REALLY busy, as we all have lives outside the internet. Hope u guys enjoy!
Keep writing......... calm on do it.......... need more.......
Yay! I got a chapter finished in a day! Enjoy you guys!
MMMOOORRREEE!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 6! Enjoy
Not a bad fic, the chapters are incredibly short and the pacing is rushed, but not a bad idea.
Take it slow o.o
and make the chapter more longer NOW
4073047
Shut the BUCK up.
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D >:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
FIRST CHAPTER COMMENT :DWOOOOOO WHOOOO
This is amazing! I've never seen quite a story like this before! Here are the reasons why!
A review by Mr. Ignorable
Chapter 1:
Oh hey, cool. Seems good enough so far!
O...kay? Sure, whatever mate, do what you want.
Dude, okay, you could've just said that this is S1 only.
HOLY SHIT, JUST START THE STORY.
SHINING'S NOT A GIRL.
Yeah, okay, let's back up there.
3.bp.blogspot.com/_tU38bHrl7y4/TGWdW3c8egI/AAAAAAAADr0/97MGenGxoZ8/s1600/P1010010.JPG
BECAUSE THAT CAN DEFINITELY DO ALL THE THINGS YOU DESCRIBED.
TIME TO SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU AND FUCK THE NICE STALLION'S BRAINS OUT!
KINKY.
E..excuse me, could you run that by me one more time?
Yeah, just once mo-
i.imgur.com/YF2XFw3.gif
PREPARE YOUR ANAL RECEPTACLE ASS MASTER, BECAUSE I'VE GOT A 12 FOOT HATE BONER AND LUBE, AND I'M ALL OUT OF LUBE.
Spoilers: One becomes a royal prostitute and the other becomesfucking ridiculous.
Chapter 2:
And now you know which one became the prostitute.
THEY'RE SENDING YOU AWAY BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE YOU.
Chapter 3:
images.sodahead.com/polls/000977619/being_emo_is_hard_lets_go_shopping_xlarge.jpeg
LUNA ONLY ACCEPTS THE GOOD LITTLE JEWS INTOE HER ARYAN KINGDOM WHICH IS WHY NYX IS STILL ALIVE.
No, please, cry more. I love the taste of your MARY SUE TEARS.
Chapter 4:
Yeah, you can just right back to "fuckrightofvania"
No you're not. Twilight is Canon Mary Sue, nothing beats Canon Mary Sue. NOTHING.
Even though the author rubber-glove-of-romance fisted the story in the anus in a desperate bid to garner sympathy for his poorly planned pre-prebusecent teenage rebellion the voices in your head are right. You should listen to them more, especially the one telling you to kill yourself.
Chapter 5:
Because you suck.
...Wow.. that could be used in so many sexual contexts that it's fucking hilarious.
Chapter 6:
ABORTIONISTS.
OH SHIT! ANOTHER FUCKING TWIST FROM M. NIGHT SHAMALAMADINGDONG!
I can't even summon enough of a shit to finish this chapter. Onto the last one!
Chapter 7:
THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER NEEDS TO GO DIE IN A HOLE.
So in conclusion:
This story is amazing!
This chapter is so short, I think my jimmies were rustled....
Ok then... Thank you your support, and I got the hint.... GOING TO GO LENGTHEN THE CHAPTER NOW!
4250210 F off yur a bitch
She's making it longer. I talked to her. @soarinsoars
Ok... EDITED chapter 7 is up now
Now I just read this story from start to finish. In less than 5 minutes. I have to agree with Mr. Ignorable in this sense it is a little short. The description is the most important part of a story. But you did take a while to get into the actual story you could have started with the story in a less descriptive way. In chapter 6 you have Nyx tell the new filly her name is dawn flier or something. In chapter 7 she calls Nyx by her real name which is a continuity error. This story has great potential but maybe take a break to rethink and revise this story and get your thoughts in order. I hope this helps!
4275230 ok, "continuity error" fixed
good good lets happiness happen then tragedy.
Hello, internet peoples. I just wanted to let you guys know that chapter 9 is almost done, and I'm sorry it's taking so long but I hope it'll be worth it. It will probably be out and done tomorrow
Ok......correcting myself on my last comment, I thought I was going to be able to finish up today. I am sorry to announce that the release has been postponed due to some surprise events for me today. So it'll probably come out tomorrow or the day after. So....yeah.
CHAPTER NINE IS OUT PEOPLES! enjoy
Now your story is pretty good so far,
but however has already stated, it is too short.
I would suggest putting flashbacks of Nyx's life at different intervals so the reader can know more about Nyx's past, believe me, I did the exact same thing with one of my stories on mistake with chapters being too short,
but your story has great potential don't get me wrong.
Another suggestion is maybe to swap povs from Nyx to her family to see how they are handling life without her.
Maybe you can also use an element later were she tries to either get revenge or make her family pay.
4695395
I think I'll do that. 
Oh, don't worry about that last bit with revenge, but thx for the tip about showing some of the family.
Also, I'm going to try and make all of the chapters from now on longer, like the last two.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me so far!
4697787 Your welcome.
I will let you decide on where the flashbacks should be incorporated since it is your story,
but if you need someone to pre-read I can help. I am not much of an editor but I can do the pre-reading, and once again there is a lot of amazing potential here
, have fun and good luck!
: Another piece of advice is don't be afraid to look at other stories you like for different elements, such as different ranges of emotions that the characters are feeling or maybe how the character's past begins to force them into the breaking point and drives them to the edge of insanity.
4697957
Thx so much! There is one problem though.... I don't know how to share it with just you without publishing it to everyone...
If I find out or if you know how I will definitely let you pre-read and offer tips. I'll get back to you as soon as I learn how to share with one person. 
4699119 that's simple, just send them a PM with the link and the story's view password and they'll be able to see it just fine! I've also done a bit of prereading, if you ever want more than one prereader :D
So far I like where your story is going, especially with this latest chapter! I'm glad to see that you are making the chapters longer by giving them more substance to them! I'm eager to see where this is all leading up to! Have fun with it! And shoot me a PM if you ever want a chapter proofread :D