Seattle Seapony

by dNihil

[4-0] Postlude

So, I understand that the story kind of broke down near the end, and I started referencing myself more and more.

Well, the cat's out of the bag.

Yes indeed, I am Harper! Formerly Lyra Heartstrings. But my corporeal life doesn't matter as much now as it did when I lived it. Over time, I got back more and more of my memories. I can vaguely remember what Ponyville was like, and how I lived there and blended in to landpony society as an oricorn muse. Nobody ever found me out. I don't think I even told Sweetie Drops after she related her secret identity... God, that made me such a horrible friend, I know. Could never forgive myself for that lost opportunity at bonding with a true friend before I left.

I haven't had any friends since I came here. It really sucks being a poltergeist, you know? You possess people to save their lives, but they're never grateful for it. Not one damn bit.

But I suppose you're just wondering why and how I left my former home. Well, I didn't really know back then, but now I've gotten a bit of an idea. It's not a solid theory; it still needs some holes to be patched up before I can truly accept it to be the truth.

I was given an opportunity. I was to help foster the oricorn race by protecting one of the last of them in some universe at some time. To be honest, I have no idea where the connection is. Maybe this place will eventually become Equestria, and I am one of Calamity's descendants, sent back in time to protect her. Maybe this is an alternate universe, and I have no connection to her. I knew it was important, though. There were only a dozen of us, each asked to be sent away to protect the dozen or so oricorns. But there was a twist. However we were sent back, we couldn't bring our bodies with us. Only our souls could go.

Well, I'm just a muse... a musician. But some oricorns possess a talent that's unique to our race. I don't remember the name for it... Necromancy? Dark magic? Oricorns' horns are particularly susceptible to housing an external soul, and that somehow makes us the best at performing magic concerning the manipulation of spirits.

One of the oricorns that was requested to leave with us was a very talented... necromancer. So he was the one who tore each of our souls from our bodies. He then used some of the energy in each of our souls to conjure artifacts designed to house souls for extended periods of time: soul jars. They were individually altered to take a shape that suited its destination, and mine was probably the best, as it represented every facet of my corporeal figure, shrunk down into a toy.

I knew my mission, even as I was sent to where I needed to go. I had to protect the pony who would go by the title Calamity the Conqueror.

I should also probably clarify here how it is that Cala became older when she got transformed into an oricorn. It's been hundreds of years since this all happened. Large communities of ponies have formed, and I've personally gotten a chance to visit them and meet some interesting ponies. Apparently, such a large transformative Event is bound to have errors. A lot of people received forms that were inappropriate to their character. Gender swaps. Age disparity. The rare fusion; you name it, it could probably have happened. The Event was the phenomenon of the millennium, and almost nobody knows anything about it. It's such a shame, really.

How did Calamity end up finding all the surviving oricorns to form a society? That's a story for another day. Hopefully I won't botch it up quite as much as this one...

Comments

[Lord Of Dorkness]

...Wow, a stable time-loop..

Lyra went back in time to protect one of the greatest —if rather dark from that name, ponies of her race.

And Cala went co-co because Lyra played her poor young mind like a... well, lyre. While having about two screws left in their right place, at that.

I'll grant you this, I did not see that ending coming.

[Canary In The Coal Mine]

An interesting place to end the story, as it allows for revisiting later if inspired by the main story's progress/ending.

[Starscribe]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it's over!

...

Okay, probably due for a little more than that now that the story's over and I can review the whole thing as a unit.
(spoilers so don't read this if you're not done with the story people who read comments)

1. YOU LIED TO ME! (and that's okay). I guess maybe you meant the whole relationship with Peyton, which had an extremely rocky start (to say the least). I expected a trail of ruin with corpses everywhere. We don't even know if the fire that started in Seattle took the whole city (which is good by the way. Makes those who want to see this story as canon able to revisit the city, which has loads of interesting things that were out of scope for a story like this). Not really a negative for the story, though.

2. I can see now why you had the sex tag to start with. I think removing the explicit detail was probably for the best in this particular case, though if you wanted to have it in the future for those who're into those sorts of things...

3. Overall, it was a bit of a tonal roller-coaster. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing (Homestuck is like this), with characters ripping out eyes and ending up together anyway. I think it worked for the story ultimately, but it's something to keep in mind if it wasn't intentionally. I was left with whiplash by the end going from bittersweet exploration in the beginning to torture in the middle and a delightful MLP-style friendship towards the end (with some action).

4. How was the writing? I've never seen a style quite like yours before, and I don't have a single suggestion for improvement. Your voice is excellent, so keep that up. Very few to no typos or errors during the whole story.

5. Front of the story left me very confused in parts. It all made sense by the end, and I still loved it (the early portions had a Neil Gaiman/ World of Darkness feel to them, which is not a bad thing at all). Still, something to consider for future stories. Do you want to risk confusing readers into dropping the story? I didn't, and plenty of others haven't, but it's something to think about.

6. I felt like the ending was great (but could've been set up a little better). I was kinda caught completely off-guard, both by the party leaving Seattle and by Lyra's sudden narrative involvement. Again, not a critical flaw (I hesitate to call anything in art a flaw, since I have no doubt it was a conscious choice). But you've asked for brutal honestly and my brutally honest opinion is those elements could've been set up better. More signs Payton was dissatisfied, more time to build a relationship with Cala. It still worked, I just feel like, if I had to write down one thing as a weakness for the story, this would be it.

I don't think it really took away from the story overall though. I still enjoyed it very much, and It's going to stay in my favorites. Congratulations on being the first to finish a Ponies After People story! Before me, even! Definitely a story to be proud of. Well written, enjoyable, unpredictable, and exciting.

[dNihil]

This comment also contains spoilers for the story, for those of you silly enough to sort comments by ‘Newest First’. Who even does that?

6139706
Thanks for reading my story and enjoying it! It was a blast to write, and I'd go through it all again. I was ecstatic to have it finished before anyone else. And, you were... sort of right, I got a tiny boost of likes now that it's finished, but I could care less about that really.

Question time! Yis! I love answering questions.

1) I lied to you? When did I do that?

A trail of corpses... heheh. Not even I'm that morbid.

And yeah, I left Seattle extremely open to anyone else who decides to visit. I didn't even give a concrete date on when exactly Cala left her apartment and when the two set sail, so long as it happens around a month after the Event. I actually didn't even consider the possibility that the fire could spread beyond the dock, because buildings are very fire-retardant and there are two capable ponies there who would prevent that happening.

2) It wouldn't have been all that different if I'd left the sex tag there. I wouldn't have put the warnings up, and there may have been more sexual innuendo. If I had rated the story Mature, though? Yeah, I was already planning on making an explicit side-story... so prepare yourself, if you're one of those people who's into that sort of thing.

3) I consider that a success. This story was, indeed, a roller-coaster from start to finish. That's why I split it up into three parts, actually, because they all do something different for the story. Having my story be compared to Homestuck in levels of craziness is awesome, and I take a lot of inspiration from those sorts of stories anyway.

4) You probably already figured it out, but I just wrote this day-by-day. In Part 3 it took about three hours to write each chapter, and the longer ones were easier for me to write. Especially 3-8, the longest one, because I had already thought about everything and I just needed to get it all down on paper.

I got out of school around the same time I started Part 3, and that's the only reason the chapters got longer then. Before, I'd take an hour the night before to try and pump something out to post the next day. Recently, I just start writing around noon, giving me a solid three and a half hours to get what I need done.

I never went back and edited anything. Even while writing the chapter, it was difficult for me to go back and change stuff that happened in a different scene. Occasionally, before I posted a chapter, I'd read through it and change a few sentences to read better, but I'd also just skip doing that a lot of the time.

Um... so I guess this just came naturally? Heck, I dunno. If I knew I'd be this good at it, I'd have started writing stuff earlier.

5) That wasn't... completely intentional. I wanted there to be a sense of mystery, in that you had no idea what Harper was or what it was doing, but I didn't mean to leave the reader completely baffled by what was happening. I tried to fix that in Part 3 by changing the way the story was being narrated, and I think I succeeded? I dunno. Then I just decided to clarify everything that had happened in 3-8 so the reader knows. I'd definitely like tips on how to avoid this in the future so that I can provoke a sense of mystery without also bringing about confusion.

6) The way I ‘set up’ the ending was the same way that I ‘set up’ any other chapter. It just happened.

Each chapter I try to introduce some new, big idea to the reader. It keeps them interested. Some big ideas drive the narrative forward, others add to the Big Idea of the story itself.

The postlude gives you a sense of finality about what happened in this story, while also introducing a concept that can be expanded upon in the sequel. 3-E brings the character arcs to an end as you see it in this story, but could also work as the first chapter of something else.
...

Let's talk for a second about the Big Idea of Seattle Seapony. What theme does this story represent? Well...

Protection. The only kind that can be truly appreciated by the recipient is the kind that's founded upon true love. That's the kind of protection that Peyton offers. It's not the strongest, but Cala appreciates it more than any other protection she's gotten. If nothing else, it offers her peace of mind.

The other kinds of protection she receives doesn't do that for her. They're founded upon duty, pity, respect, and maternity; and are offered by Harper, Renée, Willy, and her mother, respectively. The first is the most effective, and yet it's the least appreciated because it uses oppression to accomplish its goals. The second doesn't really work because Renée doesn't know what Cala wants or needs, and she was just trying to figure it out (pity isn't the right word for that, though, I think...). The third didn't have much of an effect because Willy knew that Cala would prefer to be left alone, so that's pretty much what he did. The fourth wasn't actively talked about in the story, but if you know about the other four, you can figure out that this one exists as well but it was forgotten about since Cala had taken it for granted.

Now that the story is finally over, this is the kind of thing I wanted people to have gotten out of it. Ever since the conception of this story, since I realized that Cala was helpless, I knew that the story I would be telling would revolve around care and protection. This is what I've been trying to say, and yet nobody has made a single comment about the Big Idea of this story.

[Starscribe]

6140690

nobody has made a single comment about the Big Idea of this story.

They probably won't. Each and every story I've written on this site has had one, and nobody's ever left a comment about it. I don't really count that a failure, either on my part or theirs. A story's theme is generally too big to come up consciously unless you go out and say it during the story itself (in which case, you've probably failed somehow, telling people what the theme is). Don't stress about it. Just because they don't say anything doesn't mean their brains didn't get it anyway.

I lied to you? When did I do that?

I forget the specifics, but during the large comments in the middle there you talked about how the relaxation of the insanity from earlier was a reprieve before a storm of horrible things. It was out of character, not anything you said in the story. If the story had lied to me I'd be upset, but it didn't so it's fine.

I'd definitely like tips on how to avoid this in the future so that I can provoke a sense of mystery without also bringing about confusion.

You have to know the mystery beforehand, have every single one written down and codified on paper before you begin writing. While writing "Last Pony on Earth", I have a document called "What's Really Going On" which I refer to regularly. In this way, I can have characters react in ways that set up the mystery in a way that seems consistent the whole way. No reader will ever see the document, but they'll see the signs of it in everything that happens.

But that's just how I do things.

[dNihil]

6142054
1) Okay, cool. I'm used to being so much greater than the readers in every respect already, but this is still disappointing.
2) If I was talking about this story in particular, yes, that was rendered invalid. But then I decided to set the story up for a sequel if I get around to writing one.
3) We're both different kinds of writers, so I'll probably not apply that to my stuff, but thanks for that bit of insight.

[dNihil]

6264277 Shh... nobody needs to know.

[dNihil]

6816715 Thanks, glad you like it!

I think all you really need to know to read the whole thing is that everyone disappeared from Earth with a few people (1/250k) staying behind as various kinds of ponies. The original story took the form of a journal, as did the first few knockoff stories, so I wanted to make something a bit more original. I ended up with something a bit too far-out to make much sense in the universe while being tied to it just enough to not stand on its own.

[Ahs]

this is just to good

[dNihil]

7688371 Glad to see people still read this once in a while. Did you run across this while looking at all the old PaP stories?

[Ahs]

7689113

Yep

[ferret]

Oh I get it. It wasn't Lyra it was Lyra.

I haven't looked at this in a while, but I think I am gonna say this is a good story. Has potential, at least. I like the interactions, and a little more vivid descriptions of the SCENIC SEATTLE COASTLINE might really help put it on the map. The whole special-destiny for Cala long before the ponies even discovered humanmanland thing was pretty pretentious, but the idea that sea pony magic involves sharing souls like candy or roe is pretty neat. Maybe seapony Lyra's spirit could just be a... secret hitchhiker riding on the transformation spell, there to give extra guidance to whatever poor soul ended up turned into a seapony. And then utterly failing to do so for poor Cala. Cala's childhood of haunted toys her sister kept destroying kind of could just be... dropped, and it'd make her character a little more relatable. Heck, she could keep the whole cruel older sister bit. Older sisters are known to destroy their sibling's stuff out of pure spite, no otherworldly haunting needed.

So, it could use a lot of work, but it was pretty good for what was there. I certainly haven't read any other stories here that have someone getting turned into a seapony, and this one manages to do it pretty well!

[dNihil]

8108994 Oh man, now I suddenly remember all those crazy ideas I had running through my head about where to take the story, but then LPOE took a turn in a direction I totally hadn't expected and discouraged me from writing the sequel I had planned. I even started twice but I just couldn't continue.

If you just forget about the last chapter I'm fine with that, I don't remember what it said and I'm not going to look at it again. I don't think I meant to imply the rest of Cala's toys were haunted.

Thanks for giving my story a second look. I don't know if I ever want to look at it again but I'd be happy to talk to you about it if you're interested.

[ferret]

8109620

Don't worry about it if you lost steam because the direction LPOE went. I'm not writing in that universe for similar reasons, just not the sort of stuff I enjoy. I throw out suggestions like candy, and if it's stale, 2 year old candy because 2 years ago I forgot to add the story to tracking, then you can just leave it to be claimed by the birds. That analogy kind of got away from me. I do hope you write something though. I like your style, and your imaginative spirit.

[dNihil]

8109680 Well hey, it's what inspired me to write in the first place so I think it did have some merit to it! I burned out on ponies around the time I wrote this, which makes me sad that this website has become so secular. I would love to post more of my stuff here.

[Double_Bubble]

6264389
After the pool scene, I fully expected them to be her prescribed medication.
6104376
I was afraid she'd reveal herself as a kelpie. There were things hinting at it. Think: Gremlins.