Kali Ma... Kali Ma!
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!"
Shining glared at Tydal, who was waving a bottle of hard cider about as he sang at the top of his lungs. The trees were rushing past them and the light snow that had fallen onto the ground crunched as the sleigh zipped along it. The captain of the guard, however, wasn’t in a good mood, considering who he had to sit next too; this was perfect snuggling weather, but instead of being next to his wife he had a half-mad sea god bleating in his ear.
"Could you sing something that is a little less offensive?"
Tydal shot Shining a scathing look (though it was difficult to look too intimidating when he was wearing a pair of ski goggles). "How is that offensive? It is a jaunty holiday tune for every pony to enjoy!"
"It is a slave hymn!" Shinign complained with a huff. "And considering Luna is pulling the sleigh..."
"Why am I pulling this thing again?" Luna complained. She was managing it just fine (super strength and godly endurance for the win) but that didn't mean she wasn't annoyed by it. She was also decked out in a pair of ski goggles and her normally billowing mane was tuck up in a nice knit hat.
"Jaunty?" Cadence said, brow furrowed.
"Well, little sister, we drew straws and you lost," Celestia stated calmly from where she sat in the sleigh.
Shining continued to glare at the capricorn. "That song speaks of the days when ponies were forced to work for no pay... ripped from their homelands and made prisoners of cruel masters. When they were tied to sleighs and told to pull or die... and when they took a wrong turn and they got stuck in a snow bank their masters would just point and laugh! It is vile and unsuited for these cultured times."
"I don't remember drawing straws," Luna said as she turned back towards the road, pawing at the frozen ground.
The pink alicorn stared at Tydal in confusion. "Did you really say jaunty?"
"When the hay did we draw straws?!?"
"We drew them while you were sleeping," Celestia informed the lunar princess. "We didn't see why we should bother waking you."
"What is wrong with saying jaunty?" Tydal asked in annoyance. "And so help me Shining, if you claim that is a slave word too-"
“Wait, I get it!” Cadence said in glee. “We are in the snow and this is the COLD opening! Ha!”
The rest of the group just stared at her. “Cadence, what are you talking abo-“
The God Squad
Episode 20: Kali Ma... Kali Ma!
It was just an ordinary day for everypony's favorite totalitarian goddess sisters and their brother the war god, their sex crazed baby sister and her husband.
"The Great Whale."
"The Well of Souls."
"The Tower of Babel."
"The Garden of Equestrian Delights."
"The Spear of Destiny."
"The Holy Grail."
Shining watched as Tydal and Cadence continued to bicker. It was surprising just how heated the fight was getting; every few minutes the two would stop and butt their heads together, which was a bit amusing, considering Tydal was several times bigger than Cadence. It made them appear as if they were a parent and child fighting about a bedtime. They would snarl and gnash their teeth then go back to walking, throwing out whatever strange string of words they wanted.
"The Red October."
"The Black Gate of Mordor."
"Shaft... can ya dig it?"
"The Abyss."
Shining could just make out Phillydelphia's boarder and he was anxious to make it there by nightfall; not because he was worried about dangers (when you had the most powerful beings backing you up things like robbers were no longer a concern), but because he didn't want to sleep on the ground again (Shining had a phobia about dirt ever since his sister, when she was 3 months old, had used her magic to hit him with a shovel and bury him in a shallow grave). They would never make it though if his wife and Tydal continued to bicker.
"What are those two fighting about?" he asked the royal sisters, gesturing towards his wife and uncle/brother-in-law.
"Which one has the better nickname for their reproductive organ," Luna muttered as Tydal and Cadence squared off again.
"The Hammer of the Underworld," Tydal thundered.
"The Widow Maker," Cadence shot back.
"... what the hay is wrong with this family?" Shining exclaimed. Tydal and Cadence stopped their fighting and looked at Shining like he had lost it.
"Many things, why do you ask?" Cadence and Tydal said together.
"We use the word hay as a curse word, to start with," Celestia pointed out, leaning down to sniff a rose that was blossoming near the side of the road. "We also had a crazy mother who was emotional abusive and had a bad habit of abandoning her children if she saw something shiny..."
"And except for Tydal and the rest of the older siblings, we were raised by other family members," Luna pointed out. "And those family members are also insane..."
"We're all related to Discord," Tydal pointed out. "I hate his guts and I lost a 1000 years to being trapped in stone thanks to him, but the point remains."
"... that is a terrible nickname for your Happy Maker," Cadence said. "Too wordy."
"So is every member of your family insane?"
"We're all insane, Shining... some of us are just ahead of the curve," Celestia answered. "Granted, my insanity comes from the fact that I like to drink."
"That said, we are out of booze." Tydal threw an empty away, grinning as the glass bottle shattered against the tree. His face screwed up. "And I need to see somepony about a horse."
"...sexually?" Cadence asked, confused.
"I have to drain the lizard."
"...sexually?"
"I have to make the bald serpent cry."
Shining groaned, cutting his wife off. "Stop saying double entendres!"
Tydal waved them off, wandering into the bushes. "Yeah yeah yeah, just stand there and shut up." They heard him trample through the underbrush, muttering to himself. "Now, you all might want to duck, because I am going to turn around and I don't want to smack you with my- hey... who the hell... ow! OW! You little... what the, how are you even... HEY!"
"Is... is he fighting with his Happy Maker?" Cadence asked.
"I really hope he isn't," Shining moaned.
They heard the sound of several bodies falling, a few yelps, and coconuts being struck together. Before any of the others could begin to question what was going on they got their answer via a group of robed ponies bursting from the treeline. Tydal was thrashing in a clearly enchanted net (you could tell it was enchanted because there was still a sales tag on it that said 'enchanted net') that the robed ponies dragged behind them. The sea god was cursing so violently that several ladybugs became lesbians just hearing it.
Just as quickly as they appeared they were gone, with only the echo of Tydal's filthy mouth drifting through the air.
"What... the... (censored)," Luna said.
"Do you think Tydal was kidnapped?" Cadence asked.
"No... I think he went with them of his own free will and we should respect his wishes. Let's move on with out lives and forget all about him."
"Captain Armor..." Celestia warned.
"Fine, we'll chase after the murderer and the ponies that captured him."
~MC~MC~MC~
"And that is the 253rd thing I am going to do to your mothers when I get out of this net!" Tydal roared, trying to find a way out of his restraints. His tail blade kept striking the ropes, only to find that whatever enchanted the cord made it capricorn-proof (since the return of the capricorns, capricorn-proofing things and buildings had become a booming business). "Now, the other hamburger will ALSO be made out of her lungs! That's 254!"
"Please stop threatening us!" one of the robed ponies exclaimed. "We are just doing our job here!"
"Threatening? Oh, no no no no no... that wasn't threatening... you want threatening?" Tydal's eyes darkened. "Here is threatening!"
(Author's Note: Due to international law, we are unable to post here just what Tydal said next. The threat has proven to be so utterly disgusting and vile that when we showed it to some Japanese business men they committed ritual suicide out of utter despair. To make up for the inability to show this part of the story, here is a a scene featuring Dinky reenacting the Rohan Charge from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)
Dinky trotted in front of the gathering of fillies and colt. Each had a stuffed animal strapped to their back and opposing them on the other side of the playground there was a battalion of cute little bunny rabbits that were nibbling on some carrots.
"Sweetie Belle, take your riders down the left flank. Pip, follow the pretty flag I made down the center! Ruby Punch, take your company right after you pass the main wall!" She reared up, her little horn gleaming in the sunlight. "Forth and fear no cute twitch noses! Arise! Arise riders of Ms. Cheerilee's class! Horns shall be shaken, math homework shredded! A fun day, a red day, ere the lunch bell rings!"
The other fillies and colts, having nothing better to do other than join in the fun, did as she said.
"Whatever happens, stay with me," Silver Spoon told Diamond Tiara. "I'll look after you."
"We need to seriously talk about your personal space issues," Diamond complained.
Dinky ran down the line of little ponies. "Ride now! Ride now! Ride! Ride for ruin and the end of recess!" She reared up on last time, pointing her foreleg at the bunnies. "Muffins!"
"...huh?" every other pony said.
"MUFFINS!" Dinky cried again.
The CMCs shrugged. "MUFFINS!"
"MUFFINS!" the others called out.
"FORTH MS. CHEERILEE'S CLASS!"
And with that, the greatest charge of fillies and colts against bunnies occurred.
(Author's Note: We now return you to your regularly scheduled crappy fan fic about out-of-character gods and a violent OC)
The robed ponies were lying on the ground, whimpering and covering their ears. "Please, stop it!"
"But you wanted me to threaten you!" Tydal complained. He'd somehow managed to fashion voodoo dolls of all of them and was sticking pins in their eyes.
"Stop right there!" Celestia called out, bursting from the treeline with the rest of her family. "That is our blood-thristy monster and you can't take him!"
"Yes, stop," Shining said dryly and with no passion. "By all means, let him go."
Cadence grabbed a bush and jabbed her horn at it. "Let him go or I'll kill this shrub!"
"About time you all showed up!" Tydal complained. "Now let me out of here so I can begin to blood-letting. My tail is all itchy and the only cure is the flesh of ponies."
The robed ponies, however, showed no sign of hearing any of them. Instead, they all crawled over to Luna and began to kiss her hooves (it wasn't as sexy as it sounds). The lunar princess stared at them, a look of disgust twisting her features.
"She has returned!" the robed pony who was clearly the leader said in awe.
"Who has?" Cadence asked, still threatening the bush.
"Our dark queen, Nightmare Moon! All hail the Mare in the Moon!"
"Hail! Hail! Hail!"
Luna frowned. "Uh... ok then."
One of the robed ponies suddenly noticed who else was standing near them. "It is Celestia the sun witch! Kill her before she can banish our Queen!"
"Crap in a hat," Celestia muttered as the robed ponies threw a net over her.
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I believe you mean
Oh Hai and what are you supposed to be?
Children of Nightmare?
Lunar Republicans?
Ponies with photosensitive skin?
Either or... TO DA MOON!
Shining Armor... his sanity is slipping oh so quickly!
I chuckled at the COLD opening!
1687224 DON'T YOU DARE insult us Lunar Republicans, we fight for the Lunar republic and nothing more, although our recent truce with the Chrysalis kingdom has given us much power we do NOT prance around like fillies dressed as if every day is Nightmare Night. The children of Nightmare are fanatics that will sacrifice ANYONE for the NIGHTMARE while we will defend Princess LUNA to no end VIVAS NOCTUS!! Long Live the Night...Long Live the Night...Long Live the ni- (Gets bonked on the head and dragged away from keyboard by mysterious figure in the back)
How exactly is this once again in the feature box? I mean like every other week it's there, staring at me, forcing itself down my throat and licking at my soul. And the worse part is I think I am starting to enjoy it...
Help. Police. Murder.
Ah, Willy Wonka, you old so-and-so. Good chapter
1445970 Nice gif!
1687260
At least you have a soul to get licked.
1445970 i think of a Scottish guy like stoic form HTTYD
Joy..... Another cult of Nightmare Moon, oh well this should be fun.
HECK YEAH! REFERENCES!
I think the title should be "Kalu-Na... Kalu-Na!" but that might spoil the twist.
1687298
I think I can honestly say that's the first time I've ever seen that sentence.
Although it probably won't be the last.
WooHoo! lunar republic for the win!
This... this is one of the best chapters in a while. Not to say I didn't like the other ones, but you have really outdone yourself with this one. Bravo good sir, bravo.
1687550
What is Kalu-Na?
Kali-Ma is the goddess the cult worshipped in Temple of Doom
1687689
Perhaps if I moved the hyphen...
"Ka-Luna"
... the pun will become clear.
Showdown d,wodbwd Judd Ed he'd Wodehouse.
This is the part where I wonder if there ever was a plot. Then I think about it and realize that I really don't care if there is. This is just too hilarious.
MUFFINS!!!
they're vampony from "Twilight"
Early on, you refer to them reaching 'Phillydelphia's boarder'. You either mean they're approaching the city limits (a better term than the intended 'border', I think) or meeting someone who was just living there while going to school or work. Given the story, it's hard to tell. (Either that, or they hire a pony to stay overnight while advertising where the city limits are.)
You know Luna is going to enjoy this. *insert non existent emoticon of troll Luna*
I've read a 120 days of blueblood!
It can't be that bad!
So Tydal got captured when he went to go take a leak and his kidnappers turned out be to worshippers of Nightmare Moon with a little distraction to make up for not being able hear Tydal's threat. I think I just created a "This Chapter In a Nutshell" video.
The problem to resolve is this: Can Luna resist the temptation to use this situation to pay Celestia back for all the (recent) times she traumatised her with her eccentric behaviour?
1687224 Pokemon. You're an idiot, Lunar Republicans are awesome. Michael Jackson. You need to see the bigger picture. Cthulhu shall arise and reign supreme![/size] If they were Lunar Republicans, they'd have old-timey wigs and hats. What have I done, sweet Jesus what have I done, become a thief in the night, become a dog on the run
You make one joke and use Lunar Republicans and suddenly I am the internet's most wanted!
Seriously, Luna is my favorite pony, please... I'm not your enemy.
~Runs away to hide in my fall out shelter~
1687298
What, are you a ginger or somethin'?
1688534
//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
Shining's final breakdown into insanity is going to be quite hilarious. I'm also imagining it freaking out Tydal, the ancient, murderous, psycho Warlord.
HOW MANY REFERENCES ARE IN THIS CHAPTER?!
The Shaft - Minecraft Podcast
Monty Python And The Holy Grail
HOW MANY REFS ARE THERE?!
Sheesh... Way to kill the festive holiday mood, Shining Armor. What do you do for an encore: Go to an orphanage and tell the kiddies that Santa isn't real?
1692181
Santa Claws should not be let into houses! He is a bear with a fake white beard on his face! HE WILL EAT YOUR ON HEARTHS WARMING EVE!
1697743
Love it
1692391
Defender...I think you mean Sandy Claws
"Which one has the better nickname for their reproductive organ," Luna muttered as Tydal and Cadence squared off again.
suddenly changed to 
here. Damn.
My face from
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...............................
I......I lost it when Dinky led the charge against the bunnies, oh THAT seriously needs to be made into a fic, I'm not joking, oh by the GODS make it STOP
Damn, this is going tro suck for Celestia. WHEW! I had my full etertain for tonight
Remember........MUFFINSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never forget.
Also, I swear I saw a Darksider 2 refence in this chapter.
god in the cold opening,
i realised what was going on at the exact same moment candence did,
and for some readon decided to voice it,
and receved the same reaction that cadence did
NOBODY MOVE OR I'LL KILL THE SHRUB.
1972766 Where did you find that picture? Its really hawt.
1687689 it also is an Indian godess who likes cultish sacrifices.
3269829 In actuality, Kali is not as Chaotic Evil as the movie presents her. In the actual legends, she is a protecor of the innocent, a mother figure who kills demons and other wicked creatures.
And know you know, which is half the battle(the other half is lasers). Go Joe!
Go home Tydal, you're drunk.
I just realized how offensive that line must be to ponies.
Oh. Dark.
Goddammit Nappa. Cadence. Nappacadence.
That explains so much and yet so little.
You want the short answer or the long one?
Short AND long it appears.
Huh, well.
Poor Shining.
Having flashbacks to Rarity's "This is whining"
This is both awesome and adorable.
Oh dear. poor Luna. Also, Nightmare Moon cultists, oh dear.
5885726 Three things:
1:I love reading your reactions
2: Can I do reactions like these on other stories?
3: F***ING NIGHTMARE MOON CULTISTS! THEY RUIN EVERYTHING! (Curls up and strokes a copy of The Lunar Rebellion for comfort) (look for Historical Fanfiction on my profile) (hey at least it's not just cultists)
Let the burning commence!