"You ever hear of Earth?" Lyra asked as her and Bon Bon rode in the carriage down the street.
"You mean the dirt?"
"No, not earth as in dirt. Earth as in the planet. I've done alot of research about it-"
"This isn't going to be about humans, is it?" Bon Bon asked.
"Of course it will be," Wall Breaker said, poking his head in from the roof of the carriage. "Lyra's entire bit is that she loves humans. Having her not talk about them would be like shipping Vinyl Scratch with Braeburn."
"...please get off our carriage," Bon Bon asked. The guard gave her a salute and leapt off, letting the two mares get back to their conversation (and wonder why the royal guard was in Ponyville NOW and not when there was one of their weekly Ponyville-Will-Be-Destroyed Disasters). "Anyway, you were saying about humans..."
"Well, just that I find them so fascinating. For example, their language is similar to ours... just with... well, differences."
"Like what?" Bon Bon asked.
"Do you know what they called a ponywich in France?"
"Don't you mean Prance?"
Lyra shook her head. "No, I mean France."
"Uh... ok, I don't know, what do they call a ponywich in France?"
"A manwich."
"A man-wich?"
"Yeah," Lyra said. "The dominate species is man, so they call it a manwich. Nothing gets called pony-."
"So the Ponychester United Football team is..."
"Manchester United."
Bon Bon crinkled her brow. "Creepy. What about everypony... do they say everyman?"
"Nah, they say 'everyone'."
"One, like the number?"
"I don't get it either," Lyra said.
"One more question."
"Sure."
"Where the hell are we going?" Bon Bon asked as the carriage jerked to a stop in front of a crudely drawn house that looked like something the Cake foals had colored.
"I don't think the author thought that far ahead," Lyra said, before letting out a gasp. "Oh no! Now I am breaking the fourth wall too!"
The God Squad
Episode 21: The Joy of Sect
"Nightmare Moon..." Tydal said with as much mock sweetness as he could, "would you be a dear and tell your little minions to GET ME OUT OF THIS #$^%ing NET?"
Luna looked down at the fawning ponies that were kissing her hooves. "Uh, you heard my brother. Release them."
"As you wish, oh most beautiful of dark ponies." Several of the robed ponies pulled the nets from Celestia and Tydal, backing away quickly when the capricorn snapped his teeth at them. "Do not worry, brothers and sisters! Her most pleasant smelling, Nightmare Moon, will protect us from the deadly sun witch and the mutant goat."
"Mutant?!?" Tydal shouted as Luna sniffed herself.
The leader of the mob nodded. "Of course... we assume you had radioactive waste poured on you that's why your tail is all screwed up."
"That would actually explain a lot," Shining admitted.
"Permission to kill?"
"Denied," Shining said, turning towards the leader of the group. "So... you follow Princess L... I mean Nightmare Moon?"
"And where did you get these wonderful robes?" Cadence purred, rubbing head head against one of the strange ponies. "Mmmm... I'd love to rub my naked flank all over this..."
"Honey, could you please not seduce ponies in front of me?"
"It's not seduction, it's sexual harassment!"
The one being rubbed merely smiled. "Fear not, white stallion with flowing blue locks! All of us have been castrated, so I feel no sexual desire for your nympho."
Tydal blinked. "Ah, so you're wethers. That explains why you didn't react when I said I'd cut off your-"
"Oh most wondrous of ponies with the firmest of behinds!" the leader said, falling once more to his knees. "We, your loyal cult, are here to serve you! Cast off your disguise and let use gaze upon the beauty that is your taunt naked flank. Then we will watch in rapt joy as you murder the goat and your sister and begin your rule!"
"Wow, this is getting dirty, even for me!" Cadence exclaimed.
"Family meeting!" Celestia called out. Luna nodded, yanking her hoof away from the fawning ponies and hurried over to her sister. "Ok... so we need to trend lightly here."
"What do you mean?" Shining asked.
"They are clearly insane, worshiping Nightmare Moon. If we let on that you are no longer evil, little sister, they might snap."
"Should we run away?" Cadence asked.
"No," Tydal stated. "I really don't like the idea of an evil cult running around that wants to shove me in another net. We need to find their base of operations and then kill them all." At the sour looks Tydal rolled his eyes. "Or... show them the magic of friendship or whatever rot you want. Bloody bleeding hearts..."
"How do you suggest I do that? Should I pretend I am Nightmare Moon and kill you? I can do it, but I won't enjoy it." Luna began to charge up her magic. “You want it quick and painless or slow and blood-freezing?”
Celestia gave them a smile so filled with deviousness that Discord would have fallen to his knees and asked her to marry him at the sight of it (Discord, of course, not being a statue... it would be hard for him to propose if he were a rock). "No... I think it is time Nightmare Moon introduced her worshipers to her brother and sisters."
Tydal let out a groan. "You don't mean we have to go to 10%, do you?"
"Pretty much," Celestia confirmed.
Luna clapped her hooves in glee. "Oh... I love 10%!"
"Speak for yourself!" Tydal muttered. "You get to keep your skin."
"Anypony want to tell me what the hay you are talking about?" Shining complained.
"You see, sweetie," Cadence began, "how you see the four of us right now is... kinda... maybe... not how we really look."
"...pull the other one."
"I'm serious," Cadence said. "What you have to understand is that us gods... we are literally our special talent. Luna is the night, Celestia is the day, Tydal is the sea and I am love. We are those elements... but we can't show our true forms because if we did we might destroy the world. And I mean literally; the raw power we'd be oozing alone would scramble your brains and that is ignoring the fact that we'd be so big we could use the planet as a beach ball."
Shining shook his head. "So... what I am looking at is-"
"1% of our true forms. We have the ability to control just how much of ourselves we reveal. 1% is the safest but, if needed, we can go to about 20 to 30% without causing too many plagues." Cadence stepped back and the four gods began to glow. "It is going to get intense..."
"Wait... so what will you look like? I mean, will you be some black alicorn with mirror wings that spends too much time monologuing?"
All four of the deities just stared at him, even as their bodies were beginning to glow (in a totally non-Doctor Who sort of way).
"...how about a big world of no," Luna said. "God, that would be the stupidest thing..."
Shining turned towards his wife. "Cadence, I don't-"
"Shining Armor, please be quiet," Celestia said, gritting her teeth. "I am trying to not burn you all alive!"
Shining and the cultists let out a yelp when the four deities exploded with godly energy.
The first one to appear from the flames was Luna and all at once Shining recognized her 10% form as that from his terror-filled dreams: jet black coat, dragon eyes, fanged mouth, and silver armor. She now stood as tall as Celestia and Tydal and her every movement spoke of darkness and corruption. Nightmare Moon had returned.
"Try not to wet yourself, Shining," Luna purred, her voice having dropped down into the sexy melody it had held during the Summer Sun Celebration. The cultists fell to their knees and bowed their heads as Luna walked towards them. "Rise, my followers, rise... today is a joyous day; my sisters and brother have seen the light and now join me, ready to help bring about a new age in Equestria!"
The energy that consumed Celestia died and Shining let out a gasp. Where the beautiful white alicorn had stood their was a terrible queen of fire and light. Beneath her flank there seemed to run rivers of molten lava that pulsed in time with her heart. Her eyes and teeth were now like her sister's and her beautiful mane burned like the fires of Tartarus. Scorched armor was affixed to her body and Celestia sneered as she stepped forward. To be caught in her gaze was to be laid naked before the raging sun.
"Corona Hellstar, the Mare in the Sun!" Luna declared as Celestia tossed Shining a wink.
Tydal was next, letting out a savage roar. His skull, horns, spine, tail, and parts of his legs appeared to be made out of polished black obsidian. Between these pieces, instead of flesh, there swirled dark waters that churned like the ocean during a perfect storm. His eyes remained as they had always been but, every once and a while, Shining would see a flash of lightning within their stormy depths.
"Darkwater Abyss, lord of the malestrom!" Luna called out with dark glee. Tydal sneered as he walked over, his entire attitude that of a barbarian king. "And finally..."
The last blaze died down, revealing the transformed Cadence. Shining Armor's jaw fell to his knees (which was a sign of weak jaw muscles and something he should have examined) . Her pink flank was now a crimson red that offset her smokey dark eyes. Every attribute seemed to have been enhanced to perfection: she now stood as tall as 'Nightmare' and 'Corona', with shapely legs, a toned rear and long, graceful neck. Her mane curled about her like a playful kitten and her every step was that of a predator. She was the epitome of sex and love and life rolled into one mouth-watering package.
"And... uh... Slutty Fancy Cabinet," Nightmare finished lamely.
"Mi Lujuria," Cadence said, her breathy voice making Shining shiver. She moved towards him and leaned down, planting a tail-curling kiss upon him. When she pulled away she smirked, licking his snout before turning to the cultists. "This is my companion, the Black Knight."
"He doesn't look like a black knight," one of the cultist stated. Luna took a step forward and the robed pony trembled. "But who are we to judge the paramour of the most tasty one's sister!"
"Very smart answer," Luna said, using her mane to gently slap the offending cultist against the cheek (By Herself, had she missed doing that!). "Now then, show us to your base."
"Our base?" the apparent leader of the ponies whispered.
"But of course!" Celestia said, a vicious smile gracing her fanged mouth. "All your bases are belong to us."
"But... but of course!" the stallion exclaimed, hurrying to get his followers up. "Come now, come now... we must hurry! She whose butt can crush diamonds and tastes like vanilla pudding wishes to see our base."
"Oooo, your butt tastes like pudding?" Cadence said with glee (though it lost some of its cuteness when it came out of her now sultry form). "Can I have a nibble?"
"Shhh!' Luna hissed. "Don't break character."
"You are in character, right?" Shining whispered.
"Yes and no," Tydal stated, the five of them drifting to the back of the crowd so they could talk in private. "Being in this form does cause us to be a bit more extreme in our actions that we'd normally be."
"... you're going to kill us all, aren't you?" Shining whimpered.
Cadence nuzzled him. "Don't worry, my love. All Tydal means is that being in these forms makes us act more like what they represent. Luna is like the cold yet romantic moon. Celestia is the powerful, burning sun. Tydal is the sea... changing always, going from rage to calm. And I am lust and love..."
"Which means she's even a bigger slut," Luna snarled in annoyance. Her eyes went wide and she slammed her hooves against her mouth. "I'm so sorry... that was Nightmare talking!"
Cadence nodded her head happily. "It's ok, I am a total slut. Let's have an orgy, right now!"
Celestia rolled her eyes in utter disdain. "How I am related to you stupid, peabrain-"
Tydal whipped around, snapping his razor sharp teeth inches from Celestia's nose. "Call me that again and you'll be dinner!"
"Try it, fish boy!" Celestia grunted.
"Guys!" Shining called out in a panic. "Get a grip!"
Celestia and Tydal blinked, their senses returning to them. "I... I am so sorry Celestia..."
The sun goddess rubbed her check against his, the flames that made up her mane causing some of his watery skin to steam. "No... I am sorry. Everything is so raw and primal..."
"Now you see why we rarely take these forms," Luna stated, nuzzling Cadence in her attempt to apologize. "It is easy for us to lose ourselves to the power and... well, we react without restraint."
"Suddenly Nightmare Moon makes a lot more sense," Shining stated.
Celestia nodded. "Yes... my dear sister attempted to take this form in order to prove herself my equal and it... well..."
"It drove me mad," Luna admitted. "It was only through the Elements of Harmony that I was able to regain my senses and return to my 1% form."
Cadence let out a long sigh; it was clear she was fighting off some naughty images of her and her aunt (and Shining... and Tydal... and Celestia... and a few rocks she had seen along the way). "You need to be the one to watch us, Shining. You need to make sure we don't lose it... or Equestria will have four terrors to deal with instead of one."
"Joyous," Shining grumbled. "I am babysitting four all-powerful beings. What could do wrong?"
"We could try and kill you in your sleep," Tydal stated. "Or corrupt you and make you our minion."
"Or we could torture you for weeks until we drive you insane," Luna supplied.
"I wasn't looking for answers!" Shining exclaimed in protest.
One of the first arcs I came up with when planning The God Squad was the Cult of the Moon arc. I really wanted to see what would happen if Celestia, Cadence and Tydal revealed their dark forms and they, along with 'Nightmare' had to deal with fawning cultists/fanboys. Celestia's form is based on alot of artwork others have done. Tydal's is based on the water horse/Poseidon design from God of War 3, and Cadence's name means LUST in Spanish.
Amazing work yet again. I was smiling the whole way through.
Hellstar, that's a new name for Celestia's nightmare form. I like it!
...I have to admit... I now want fanart of this scene.
They don't seem to be gods anymore. More like Titans.
Me gusta.
This isn't even their final form?
But seriously, well done, looking forward to seeing what you do with this arc
I like this chapter and their new forms. Should be interesting in meeting the rest of the cult.
i like how you added Hellstar to the Corona name, it makes seems to flow much better
So if Shining becomes Immortal like Tydal suggested, what will he be? God of Being The One Sane Guy?
1700460 God of self-check-outs and gas pumps.
1700539
Nah It is quite obvious he will be the God of Erectile Dysfunction and Sanity.
1700460
Actually I think he would be the God of protection, the God of defense or God of rational thinking.
He'd be the God of Common Sense. God knows the world needs one.
1700460
God of the sparkly laser, defense, and sanity.
Also, why is he doing even the slightest bit of complaining when it comes to Cadance? Seriously, she went from bveing one that could probably go for hours, to one that could go for weeks.
1700419>>1700442 I Love everything about this chapter. I especially like the whole "1%" thing, best explanation ever. Everyone make fanart!
1700766
I always like the idea that deities can alter themselves and change how they look and that the forms we know them best in are not their true form. It explains the whole Nightmare Moon thing, it shows why Luna looked and sounded so different and it also shows just how powerful all of these characters are.
Even Shining... his wife did name her reproductive parts the Widow Maker, so the fact he survived...
1700802 True dat, brah.
God of Whore...I can actually imagine that
1700749
I get the distinct feeling that doing *ahem* with even a 10% Cadence would cause some serious problems for you.
And if it went on for weeks... euuuh. That'd be terrible.
100% Cadence would be just pure oh god what
I think 100% anyone would really equal lots of destruction or enough energy to create/destroy planets.
The whole 1% and 10% theory actually makes quite a bit of sense. I wouldn't be altogether too surprised if it got accepted into common fanon.
1701156 100% Celestia would burn the world, 100% Luna would freeze it, 100% Tydal would drown it, and 100% Cadence would make all living things join in the most passionate and destructive orgy ever, so big that it tears the world apart.
Also, I agree with the % theory, it makes a lot of sense. Might adopt it as my headcanon, at least.
So, Shining Armor is pretty much all that stands between the mortals and four already unstable beings going completely mad with power? It was a nice world while it lasted. At least with Cadence, we'll go out with a bang!
Actually, with this development, it put a new and interesting spin on the personality of the gods. It makes me think that their eccentricities when at 1%, aside from being the result of getting dumped on their siblings by a neglectful parent, could also serve as a sort of natural defense mechanism to keep themselves from REALLY going crazy.
Which then leads to even more horror at the thought that DISCORD was 1%-ing it too when he was free.
I love the % idea, reminds me of a story by The Descendant called The Song of Syhlex that had Celestia going into a similar god mode to take out some dragons. It's pretty much my headcanon already, so this fits in nicely.
Really hoping we eventually get Shining as a God of Protection or Defense or something like that. Hmn, Goddess of Love, God of Protection... *snicker*
1701271 I bet Discord was 10%-ing or maybe even a bit more, could go somewhat towards explaining why Celestia and Luna steered clear of fighting him directly.
1701271>>1701304
I'd say Discord was at 10% to 20% when he was going on his rampage. Still, a frightening thought that we didn't see 80% of his power minimum.
"a lot"
The whole bit about "molten flows under Celestia's flank", what were you talking about there?
1701288
So, if Tydal and the capricorns are based on Spartans, Shining Armor and any society he might be in charge of would be based on Trojans?
1701495 Oooo, nice.
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/mother-of-god-meme.jpg
................
apocalypstick.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/yao_ming_meme_new_version_hd_by_guillersevilla-d3dwein1.png
You're screwed, Shining.
I was totally expecting an over 9000 reference once they started talking about power percentages. All your base belong to us caught me by surprise. Still the most meme-tastic fix I've seen here
Lets make shining the god of Erectile Dysfunction! And then have his nemesis be he for of Viagra XD
Eh, what's four all powerful, unkillable incarnate gods. I'll just whip out my handy macguffin detector and find the "Condom of Everlasting Justice" or whatever.
PS: whatever the equinomorphic personification of the sanity would be I don't want to look at it without goggles.
Shining will become the (Unofficial) God of Murphy's Law.
You probably already know, but The God Squad has a tvtropes page now.
God Squad Transform and Rollout!
Good thing there wasn't a bunch of long drawn out transformations sequences with screams and shouts, *Sarcasm mode* cause everyone knows that's not how transformation works.
Also Lyra humans say "Nobody" instead of "Nopony", you idiot.
1701081 if Cadence is the God of Whore, wouldn't Shining Armor be the God of WAR?!? Kratos will have some competition...
Why am I reminded of Claymore when I read about how their body changes depending on how much power they unleash? Fo Claymore at 10% powers their eyes turn cat-like and gold, at 30% the face distorts, at 50% their body distorts, and finally at 80% their bodies begin to Awaken (transform demonically) and their human mind is overridden. Heck the increased power making it harder to control themselves is the same.
1703729 Ah, so you noticed that too! Claymore is a cool manga. So many complex things happening which somehow manage to maintain consistency.
Anyway, crazy stuff.
>>>All four of the deities just stared at him, even as their bodies were beginning to glow (in a totally non-Doctor Who sort of way).>>> Celestia glowed like a Super Sayajin, Luna glowed like Vasto Lorde Hollow Ichigo, Tydal glowed like... uhm... Squirtle? And Cadance glowed like a sequined harlot under a spotlight.
>>>"But of course!" Celestia said, a vicious smile gracing her fanged mouth. "All your bases are belong to us.">>> Alondro head-desks with the force of the asteroid impact that wiped out the dinosaurs confined to a 1-foot-square area. He blasts a hole clean through the planet and sends a jet of super-heated magma and radioactive isotope-laced iron-nickel core material shooting out the other side, which arcs in a semi-ballistic trajectory and happens to land upon a building in which the International Chinese Communist Party are planning their global take-over plans. They are all killed instantly. Thus, this story inadvertantly saves the world from communist expansion! Dwight D. Eisenhower rises from the grave and gives defender2222 the Congressional Medal of Honor. Alondro gets nothing because nopony likes him. He's a twat. (Alondro has a sad. )
And this is what they look like when they reach 100% of their maximum power:
cdn.static.ovimg.com/episode/206628.jpg
Even Cadence.
(Shining GAH!!! "I am NOT having sex with THAT!!!")
I can't tell if Shining is the luckiest or unluckiest pony in the universe right now...
I can say that his life right now is both tragic and hilarious at the same time.
Now all we need is a god that represents the power of the Internet to go 10%
But that would probably be a bad idea...
BWAHAHAHA!
1701468
Maybe Lyra went and banged an alot that was made of Earth research materials?
1702402
But the goggles do nothing!
1702862
> Also Lyra ponies say "Nobody" instead of "Nopony", you idiot.
Both get used, actually.
So, the Epic-Levels of ADD these motherfuckers have is even HIGHER now??
Hell, even before the transformation, did they remember why they left the castle in the first place?
1706160
I like the alot, though some people just use it in the oddest ways. Their sentences are not even set up to accept a verb like the alot many times. It makes me angry.
stuffpoint.com/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic/image/81379-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-mass-effect-angry-luna.jpg
finally no more back story
1706160 I meant to say humans.
Since Luna is in Nightmare Moon form, wouldn't she now automatically know if Twilight was her daughter or not?
Why was I not informed of this?
1700391 Since when does Slutty Fancy Cabinet mean Lust in spanish?
Vinyl Scratch and Braeburn xD That cracked me up.
....
I wish I could actually see the alternative forms (yes, I know what NM looks like. Hush, Peanut Gallery)
"Do you know what they called a ponywich in France?"
Obvious Pulp Fiction referrence is obvious :I
"All your bases are belong to us."
Bad 'Contra' translation refference. dayum.
1972830 That's not Contra, that's Zero Wing!
Also, Cadence said something about 30% or so being the absolute highest they could take it, but I don't know...if Nightmare Moon is 10%, I'm exceedingly scared to ask what 30% is like...
Another thing: I personally prefer the name "Solar Flare" for Celestia's 10% form.