It's been three months since Shade has discovered his changeling roots, and the identity of his real parents. But Shade isn't about to rest easy.
As Shade's life begins to slowly unravel, he's going to understand just how much danger he's in.
And when the ultimate plan is carried out in Canterlot, Shade has one goal in mind.
How to end the existence of an immortal god who just so happens to be his father.
And it'll take the help of an unexpected little filly to help Shade complete his goal.
First book is here: Son of the Princess
Alternate Ending to Son of Chaos: Son of Peace
Third book is here: Son of Change
Alternate Ending to Son of Change: Son of Death
Fourth book is here: Son of Eternity
Chapters (15)
hurray!
Oh, BUCK!
Good story
So far so good
Continue.
So this is the story after ''Son of a princess''
u my dear freind deserves moustaches
Sorry that this one is shorter. Next chapter should have some crazy hijinks!
I want moooore
MMMOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEEEE lol derp and a copy cat comment 1509532
Hey twow I just finished reading this chapter and noticed that:
Try to vary your "I said" With other words like"I stated" Or "I Replied" etc.
Also
Add more detail (if you want to) Here's an example : Celestia whipped around in fright, and to her fears, witnessed Discord standing there with a sly smile on his face.
Or something like that XD
And tell me if you dont like my edits.
Good luck
Shoot forgot some stuff:
Other than that You earn an A on you story :)
1521079 Thanks for the catch! I'll change that
Thats what im here for
1521111 Next chapter soon!
Ok
Btw
WELCOME TO OUR CLUB
Cant wait for next chap
1528627 Should be soon.
In russian accent "Good, Good."
Well, he's bucked.
Good no Errors that I can see NICE JOB
Click "Source" if you want to see the picture that I'm TRYING to use.
Website's being picky
Okay, I'm'a gonna hit this right after this chapter and before I move on, because there's a few points we need to address.
1) Commas
Commas are used in place of periods at the end of dialogue when the sentence is uncompleted. E.g.,
...should be:
2) Dashes
En dashes (or n-dashes) are used to hyphenate words, not to show breaks. Em dashes (or m-dashes) are used to show breaks or interruptions in dialogue, thought, or narration. They're named because they're the same length as an "n" and "m", respectively. To do an em dash, you hold Alt, type 0151 on the keypad, and release Alt. You get —. It's a pain in the ass, which is why I had a friend write a script for me that replaces the tilde (shift+`) with an em dash instead. I'll let you have a copy if you want. Soooooo, that sentence gets adjusted again, and it now reads as:
Please note that there are no spaces in front of or after an emdash, much like the hyphen or en dash.
3) INFODUMPS
If there's one overarching problem with this story, that's it. Pretty much everything else is done rather well. I think you've managed to avoid writing a Sue variant, despite ticking all the boxes, so well done there. Ye gods, though, is his backstory shoveled at the reader's face.
"Show, Don't Tell" has some bearing here. Yes, there's a certain amount of information that you need to outline in narration rather than in dialogue or action, but you really need to limit that. I'd highly recommend either shifting much of the infodump to dialogue, internal thoughts, or something else, but it really needs to change things up. If you need some coaching on that, PM me, I'm pretty easy to get a hold of.
After all that, you get a laurel, and a hearty handshake—I mean, a thumbs-up and a track on this story. (PS, see how I used dashes in that last sentence? Eh, eh?
)
-OtterMatt: TWE's Resident Master of Music
djotter.blossers.net/TWE%20Badge.png
1539609 I'll admit that I panicked when I was writing. I was worried that people would think that I made him too strong, when that's what I'm trying to avoid like the plague.
Thanks a lot for the look over. I will work hard on that. Also, when you mentioned ticking off the boxes, could you go into a little more detail about what you meant?
Shit is about to hit the fan
1544750 Oh yes. Next chapter will be up in the next hour. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Derpy_Hooves_lolface.png
The clock is ticking TICK TOCK TICK TOCK (sadly no crazy twilight face to go with this
)
1544927 Here ya go!
Its this some sort of fighting Game?
1545117 No it's a scene where Shade gets the buck knocked out of him. What didcha think? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
1539645
Hmm, never got a notification about your response for some reason. Anyway, yeah, the Mary Sue checklist has a few variants.
- Gary Stu: Male variant, pretty self-explanatory
- Black Hole Sue: very common in fanworks, a character who the entirety of canon bows down to for the sake of a half-baked plot. Canon people act completely out of character around them, and they're better than everyone at everything.
- Anti-Sue: If a Sue is someone who's just better than everyone at everything and is always loved, if I flip it around then I've avoided writing a Sue, right? NOPE.
Anyway, as far as the Sue list goes, your main character has/is:
[x] Tragic/dark backstory
[x] Unknown/distressing parentage
[x] Unknown/extreme power level/doesn't know own strength
[x] Offspring of a canon character (bonus "eww" points for making him the son of royalty)
[x] Name that doesn't match canon naming conventions/name that invokes darkness
[x] Backstory/personality revealed via infodump instead of actions (show, don't tell)
[x] Just wants to be normal
[x] Unusual hair color/appearance (It's a changeling, impossible to avoid)
[x] Instantly friends with canon characters with no explanation (you don't set up the friendships/relationships, they just get mentioned out of nowhere)
[x] Obviously setting up a choice between good and evil, revolving around the character, which will affect the entire world
Based on these traits, you're writing a Sympathy Sue; a character who's sole purpose is to be written to prey on audience sympathies and be loved by the reader since no one else does.
Now, THOSE are the typically negative points that indicate the possible presence of a Sue. Just because you're hitting all those points doesn't mean your character is automatically a Sue, though. If you characterize the character and explain and justify all the various traits in prose instead of just dumping them on the reader, then you can make it okay and the character can still be likeable. I think you're doing okay on that front, but you need to be aware of the tropes in any case.
Again, as I said, you're not doing badly. Infodumping the backstory and traits of the main character is your primary sin.
Excellent, I love it, great job
)
When you releasing the next chapter (I know you have just released this one
1545182 Oh man, now I'm REALLY worried. It could only take one chapter for me to screw this up now. Thanks for telling me, and I'll work on it.
P.S. Did you read the latest chapter? And if you did, what were your thoughts
Edit: He doesn't want to be normal, per se. He just wants to be able to accept what he is. He only found out he was a changeling 3 months ago.
1545185 I usually take a break for a few days, but who knows?
O_O
1545223
It needs an editor, because there's a few things here and there with the wrong words or missed spellings, but there's a few things I can point out.
This is not the way to do it. This is pretty much the textbook definition of infodumping. You could either show us the scene when it happened, so we can remember it when it happened, or even giving us a glimpse of a flashback would work okay.
This I like. This is a good way to take your character who has, presumably, UNLIMITED POWAH and give him limitations. Limitations, quirks, faults—these are the things that make a character likeable. You can relate to a flawed person. Sues are people who are so perfect that they're pretty much better than the audience by default. No one likes to constantly look at a character who is perfect.
Good author! Have a cookie! codemonsters.de/home/img/news/chip_cookie_icon.gif
You might not know it, but this is better storytelling. It almost reads like an infodump, but the key variable is that you're doing it in the character's head, so we're following his thought processes. That counts as showing, paradoxically enough. Basically, we should know what the character knows, WHEN they know it. The only thing I would suggest is that thought processes are generally in italics if it's a first person thing. This is a bit more narrative in feel, so you can prolly get away with not using it here.
Eeeeeehhhhhh... Too laconic. This phrase wouldn't really exist in Equestria, and it's too colloquial in ours. Basically, don't use slang.
The perspective shift is odd, also. If you're going to set up your story to use multiple perspectives, then you have to set it up early and use it consistently. Because you've never shifted like that before, when you change to Discord's POV, it's jarring. You should either find a way to make the story telling from the same perspective, a neutral perspective or leave it out entirely.
1545279 You have no idea how appreciative I am for your help. I knew that writing this character would be hard, and part of the reason for the infodumps is to stress the fact that he is NOT all powerful.
If you want to continue helping me, than I'll be grateful dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
1545136 That was exactly what i was thinking..... i totally dind't think this was some sort of Street fighters
Keep up the good work!
I did divert from canon for this part. Don't burn me at the stake, please.
1508409
:fluttershyouc
h:
1552556 I am rather confused at what you are trying to tell me.
1552573 well you know when you come up with an orginal idea for a story but then you find out somone posted a story slighty simliar. Little a day before you post your's. Well this happened to me. With my story called Harmony. With this story take in mind people will think I am copying. My story is completely different the two main characters were Discord's somewhat sons.
1552611
I am very sorry if that came of rude. Sorry.
1552604 Don't worry about it. Write it anyway! My story isn't that well known for people to get upset about it.
Awesomeness! Can't wait to read the next chapter
1552333
*cough*AlternateUniverseTag*cough*
I'm liking this. A lot. There are a couple of misspelling, word choice mistakes, and such, maybe three or four in total (better go beat your editor. :P). I wonder sometimes at where his magic level really is. We get references to him having no magical reserves, being weakened, but there's not many metrics for what he can or can't do in each scenario. I think most of the problem is that the only pony we've seen teleport—or really even use magic spells beyond level 0 Prestidigitation—in canon is the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, so there's not much frame of reference for how hard spells are to cast. Meh. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Queen_Chrysalis.png
I'm growing fond of your interpretation of Fluttershy as well. I like to think she would be a bit more like your version if she found someone she could truly trust and be comfortable around.
Looking forward to the next update notification!
1553054 Most of the time, when it's a spell that you would expect to be hard, I mention the drain on his energy.
Do I need an AU tag? Cuz I'm about to slap that puppy on.
Thanks for liking how I'm writing Fluttershy. Truthfully, I thought writing her would be the hardest part of the story. I still think it is.
Anything else I should get? Let me know as soon as you can.
1553137
The tag is totally optional. I don't think it's needed, but it's an easy way to avoid people throwing canon in your face, if you're sensitive to such things.
1553159 I won't put it on then, unless I get ragged for it.
And can I bother you one more time? Did you think that I did that scene well between Shade and Filthy? I was rather worried about it. (not to mention that I'm also anxious every time I write Fluttershy.)
1553174
*'s with MY loved ones.
It was pretty good. You can see that Filthy's winding him up the whole time, but might just actually be afraid. So far, it seems like a pretty petty thing to do, but there's gotta be a bigger game being played.
Personally, he got off easy. I'd'a killed the bastard. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy_invert.png Nopony *
1553188 Just you wait my friend. Some ponies are gonna learn that you don't mess with an angry changeling, OR his marefriend.
Sorry for my lack of editing, school is being a bitch