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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Two chapters in one day...
One word in response:
yes
midterm? naahhhhh you dont need that consuela, (btw i will be calling you that from now on max, you have thrust this on yourself). you just need lemon pledge and your human and you to write.
3333435 We need more lemon pledge...
3333452
that you do ... that you do, i will buy some more once you finish that chapter for next friday.
anyway good luck on the midterms :3
3333468
I have no idea. The writing rules don't say that, they do however say that changing the spelling of words to fit the accent should be avoided as much as possible. There are a few exceptions. For example changing the -g at the end of a verb in the present tense with a '. Such as goin' and a couple of words such as 'That'.
It would be funny if Max one day sat in the park, in a mediation position, emptying his mind and just listened to the comments ponies gave.
Meat?! Hell Yeah!
Read up to here in a day... couldn't stop reading its so good
Two chapters in one day. And I dont even have birthday!!!^^
3333362 I have three words:
BEST... DAY... EVER!!!
Aw, that picture at the end is so adorable.
Max isn't being decompressed properly, though I don't think Equestria has the facilities to handle that kind of process. Max is going to pay the price for that. Instead of having, let's say one in eight chance of developing PTSD, it's now more like one in three... Though that's using someone that has a higher level of mental resilience (a warrior for instance), so the odds are probably higher for PTSD.
ARGH, MY HEART!
this just, max has now got CPTSD. hurrah.
Did I hear someone say Revolution...Well at least it has now be said.
no discordmares means that luna and celestia went to talk to him. possible plot twist soon?
3333435fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/241/b/d/consuela_yugioh_card_by_dbgtinfinite-d487qvl.jpg
Oh god that picture is just too much D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Dang, the poor lad will have some serious issues after this.
3333788
i dont know who you are or where you came from ....... but thank you .. for this.
I seriously thought that he was gonna smack a bitch up. All the stages are there, keep up the good work
3333362 No no. Not "yes".
Yay.
3334118
No...
probably closer to her outburst at the end of that episode. Since school started for most people my favorite stories are updating slower.
I get kinda excited when they finally do update...
Excellent.
Though I think Max's mind will be messed up for some time, not a big surprise actually.
Diggin' this story! Keep up the good work!
Great chapter! Loved your pacing and how you dealt with all of the issues that would crop up. You sir, know the elements of a good story!
Now for BALANCED critique.
1. Two updates in one day which both satisfies the silly idea they had of keeping Max's identity secret from the Mane Six AND from the Princesses. Now they, the most powerful ponies in Equestria, really, know his full story and can thus look out for him. And considering something CLEARLY wants him dead, he should have revealed the truth sooner, but...hey. Better late than never. So that's good.
2. They are TOTALLY cool with him being intelligent, and want to look out for him. Good. No out-of-characterness. I had thought perhaps Fluttershy might be of help in getting him to TALK, but there's still no explanation for that...
3. Seriously, Max? You're not even going to TRY to think about going back home? Have you given ANY consideration at all to your family, your friends, all of whom probably think you're lying dead in a ditch somewhere and who will NEVER know what happened to you? You're not even going to TRY to get back? Even when you KNOW most of Equestria is still engaging in de-facto slavery and COCKFIGHTING with humans? Something we humans in most of OUR countries have long since outlawed and condemned, which puts us miles above Equestria in the story on a moral level? It's good that you see not everyone agrees with it, but the problem is most of Equestria sees NO problem with this at all, and you have no idea on how to stop this. Or seemingly any interest...which leads into...
4. You just want to keep living your life. Or should I say, lack thereof. You can never have a job, you will never have a family, you will never find a girlfriend, you will always be a stranger in a strange land with a total of all of a little over half a dozen people who DON'T think you should be EUTHANIZED! Which could be a VERY REAL possibility if you're not careful! Nor do you know where those dreams are coming from! And you were right in the presence of the very MISTRESS OF DREAMS! You couldn't ask Twilight to ask her "Uh, listen, I've been having this really odd vision-esque dreams and I'm concerned something sinister is going on, maybe you could help"?
Hopefully we'll see some development on those points. This story's been getting better at correcting for the awfully insulting way in which it started. There's been real bumps, but there's definitely been a steady improvement in quality of plot and character development for the past ten chapters or so.
3334291 Even though you are the person that picks this story apart the most, you are, by far, my favorite commenter, EVER! It's because of your comments that I'm actually able to figure out where I need to go with the story...which means that I need to start figuring out a reason WHY Max doesn't seem interested in going home...
3334427
Well, I want to offer critiques that make sense whilst pointing out what about the story WORKS, and hopefully I've been fair in my critique.
Hmm. Basic plot reminds me of the book 'The Wild Boy' That was a good book, if a bit confusing.
Now tell me that's not suggestive.
3334560 oops...sorry, I don't swing like that...
3334487 Well, I always get excited when I see that you've commented, because it usually means that I'm gonna get a good critique as well as some food for thought!
yay :,)
>It’s color reminded me of autumns back home
*Its
>Well, you might want to get him check, just in case
*checked
> I had become accustom to it
*accustomed
>“Sorry Fluttershy,” she said
There should be a comma between "Sorry" and "Fluttershy"
>thunder caused the sigh pegasus to
>sigh
wat
>I said that I wouldn't to cook anything
Miss a word?
3335077 3335132 Someone has been doing some serious hunting...
I'm a little nervous to unfairly critique this story, so i'll just say this...
IZ PRETTY GUD, I LIEK VURY MACH.
3335249 If you have something "unfair" to say, don't be afraid to say it. Nothing you say will make me mad; I like hearing both positive and negative feedback. It helps me grow and make the story better.
Excitement coming.
Pain and the awakening.
My glee and wrath sing.
3334291
On point two - twilight has stressed that no HARMONIOUS magic is causing it enough that she may as well shouted that chaotic magic is the cause.
On three - this actually is not as unbelievable as you'd think. Speaking from the standpoint of someone who's been in a country where I didn't speak the language, most people thought I should disappear, and someone was working on getting me a way home; "getting home" becomes a bit distant compared to day to day survival.
#4: no job, high risk, (I won't say no girlfriend - I support xenophilia) but then again, we don't know that much about his old life. Not everyone has a family waiting for them at home. Also consider that he makes a difference to Twilight. Even if you don't consider romance a possibility, being needed is a powerful draw. And the risk adds a sort of reverse phycological appeal, that "you can't make me run away" syndrome.
I really like this story. This was a pretty good chapter, showing some of the after-effects of Max's traumatic ordeal. Good job.
Yep. Worth waiiting as always. Gotta love it.
one.3334560 Hey man, two heads are better than one
3334291
You're looking at it wrong. What the equestrians are doing is not slavery. In Equestria, humans are non-sapient. They have a similar level of intelligence to dogs, and are treated much the same as we treat our own pets. The only major difference being that much of Equestria seems to be okay with beastiality.
A bit messed up if you ask me, but whatever... different cultures and all that.
In fact, that's kind of a big part of the point of the story. The other "humans" in this story might look like Max, but they're a different species. They're animals, no different than cats or dogs... so far as we know.
So we have no moral high ground here.
I do enjoy finding both the parallels and stark differences in how a different species and culture treats its domesticated animals. In terms of world-building, the author's done a good job with it.
3336594
Most humans aren't okay with dogfighting. Equestrians, however, don't seem to have quite the moral conundrum about it. As evidenced by the earlier chapters. And yeah the whole bestiality element is pretty disgusting to think about.
3336628
Underground dog fighting rings are still a problem in every country that has dogs. And, just like in Equestria, they're illegal and most people think they're disgusting. You'll notice the ponies in the story all think the human fighting ring was a terrible thing and the ring itself was clearly illegal (they had to sneak around stealing humans for it).
In both cases, it's a few assholes running around doing terrible things in spite of efforts of the general populace to stop them. And again... ponies seem to react to news about these things in much the same way that people react to news about dogs being abused.
Nevertheless, if a dog bites a person, in a lot countries, law states that you have to put it down. Why? Because non-sapient life just isn't as valuable or important as sapient life. That's true here, and apparently true in Equestria.
Again... lot of parallels here. In fact, this is actually kind of close to the storyline of White Fang in some ways only if the wolf-hound was sapient.
3336681
The problem is that these humans are clearly meant to be "primitive", humans from an early stage in evolution. But the story ignores basic biological facts about humanity at that stage and as we just saw in the ring, some of them might, in fact, actually BE sentient! They're treated like chimps when their ability to organize, quick adaptability, communal living and other traits were one of the biggest separations that early man demonstrated from ordinary monkeys.
And the idea of humans never smiling was just stupid. Even CHIMPS smile.
3336702
That's... how can you say that the story meant for Equestrian humans to be proto-humans and yet ignores or leaves out all the traits that would evidence them as proto-humans?
That's like saying "Well, the story clearly meant for that ball to be an egg, but it ignored all the traits of an egg like a shell and embryo."
There might be more to these humans than we know... but so far, they haven't displayed any level of intellect or adaptability you wouldn't see in a Border Collie.
There are plenty of social animals that live in the wild. Chimps and other apes have been documented to develop social politics, including charity, cliques, and rumor-spreading. Crows have been documented to have regional dialects in the way they communicate to each other. They can even communicate about threats they've heard about from other crows, but never seen themselves (seriously, look it up, it's pretty astounding).
Equestrian humans are not the same as us. If, at one point, they were... something happened to take away their sapience. The fact that they can't smile is actually evidence that they're not the same. Because early humans and great apes can smile, which possibly puts Equestrian humans as more distant from us than our ape cousins.
You're also confusing the word sentience with sapience. Sientience is merely the ability to perceive the world around yourself... which means that everything from large mammals down to roaches is sentient.
Sapience is wisdom, what we generally consider intellect and the ability to think complex thoughts.
Human-level intelligence is actually technically called sophonce, although it's pretty interchangeable with sapience in its use.
3336744
Because Max and Twilight make an observation of them being proto-human in biology and structure IN the story. And again...one of them TALKED. And primitive man could talk too, and write and draw. It was bare bones, all of it, but creativity is another key diffefence between people and animals.
Furthermore, if humans have been around for centuries in Equestria, why have they not developed any of those traits the way they developed those traits on earth? They don't have the predators that they have had to contend with over an our world after all. How come we haven't seen any examples of wild humans so we can get an idea of what the species is like when they're not being used by ponies? If a species, nay, a culture, has more time on his hands, that means it has more time to culturally evolve and develop things like tools and language in societies. So how come we haven't seen any kind of development from humans in this land? What's stopping them?
3336894
You hit the nail right on the head. IN the story.
You're getting the story from the point of view of a pony who knows nothing of humans from our world, and a kid who worked at McDonalds (he certainly wasn't an anthropologist).
When Max thought he saw that human talk, we were seeing it from the point of view of someone who's desperate for human company. Some people think they can talk to their dogs, too. Animals can be clever, but that doesn't make them sapient.
I don't know what the author's planning, and he's certainly not perfect (of course, no one is). For all I know more earth humans could be hiding among Equestrian humans.
I do know that even if they were exact proto-humans... so what? Still not sapient, dude, and there's no way that ponies could know that their humans...Their pets with the same level of intelligence as dogs... Have that potential.
For all we know, dogs have that same potential for sapience. Many species of monkey and ape exhibit all the classic signs of developing in that direction.
Two chapters! This is phenomenal! It almost feels like my birthday.
I may sound like a broken record, but I thoroughly enjoyed both of these chapters. If you feel that the ending this time around was not up to grade, then I hold no concern for a decline in story quality.
The only worry I might have would be if the story continuously shifts to a more somber mood without having chapters like the beach chapter or the Sugar Cube Corner chapter.
3334902
The exact same way I feel about this guy.
It's a magical thing to have an awesome commenter like that.
Also:
Feels like it should be in italics, as it very much sounds like max's thoughts as well as a continuation of the end of the previous paragraph. Seems like it to me anyway.