When Twilight was working on a new strain of the pony flu, to make a spell to cure all flu. When she got interrupted by one bored spirit of chaos! But when Discord accidentally sent the virus to earth, what can stop this virus from turning the human population into quadrupeds!
Edited by DonnEStarside, and free online grammar checkers.
Cover art by Graycait
Also, how do I get a square, out of this cover art thing?
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Interesting. I spotted a few errors that your editor missed, and some stuff that could have been transitioned smoother, but otherwise, it was great! Nice job to both you and your editor.
Please update soon.
5939724 Thanks! I will tell him that. In all truth. he has not done much yet. (just the prologue. he has not yet made one suggestion on Day zero yet. as such I had to reread it a few times to try to spot my mistakes. Almost all the mistakes are probably bad grammar that I missed because I thought it looked alright.)
5940164 I got one chapter ready for editing and another I'm still writing. Don't worry.
5940235
thanks for Letting me know.
Viruses really aren't living.
Well, they are. And are not. They can't reproduce by themselves and have no vitals.
5945733 Discord is purposly misdirecting Twilight because he does not want to advance her understanding of biology too quickly.
i.warosu.org/data/g/img/0459/19/1420343895535.png
Really? The first thing that comes to mind is growing bacterial colonies? instead of, you know, some old mushed up rotten potatoes?
Also, sending some biologists there just because some potato tasting substance randomly appeared on guy's kitchen? Not gonna happen.
MINUTES! F
KING MINUTES.
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130212065557/mlp/images/e/e4/Picard_facepalm.jpg
Really? Either the guy is lying or there are parallel universes? Maybe someone threw it in from an open window? Maybe some of his friends left it over? Maybe it was hidden somewhere in the kitchen and the fell from a shelf? Nope. Parallel universes.
Just instantly parallel universes. No other possibilities.
Please note that though my dick-ish attitude and pointing out certain things, I am trying to give constructive feedback. Anyways, a more detailed thing below.
1. Pacing and the length of the chapter
The problem:
Ok, first off. The chapter is kind of short. I know personally that a writers block or finding content to write about can be horrifyingly difficult, but chapters should have more substance. Here is less than 500 words we have
1. Guy finding the virus vial
2. Guy getting infected by the virus
3. Guy getting a call from his doctor in order to initiate a plot device for people to get the virus analyzed and getting back his diabetes test.
4. Fully equipped biologists appearing to the house in minutes and instantly finding out that the virus is from a test tube and it came from another dimension.
Thats way too much stuff happening in 500 words. My advice to this would be to include meaningful "filler". Yes, I know everyone hates it, but it's necessary in order to keep the story flowing at a proper pace.
Have an example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo5Rhn8zuPA
The video is perfectly understandable to people who know the source material, but if you show this to someone who has never seen the series or knows nothing about it, they are not going to get anything from it. All the basic plot-points are there, but there is nothing to tie them together. It's an incoherent mess without all the "filler" keeping it together.
How to fix this in my opinion:
Have everything more spaced out. Give is more time to get to know the protagonist better. Have some inner dialogue about stuff. Make the discovery of the virus slower and actually show us him washing his hands and mouth. Make the call from the doctor longer and show us what relationship these two have. I got a feeling that they know each-other well, but it's not implied in any way. Have some actual time between the call ending and the biologists arriving. Have him take a shower or calling to another person who might or might not be important to the plot later. Make the story feel like that we are following someone and seeing what he is going through in normal pace, instead of getting a bullet point list of what happened.
2. The human stupidity and plotholes.
The problem:
I apologize if this comes out as rude or insulting, but what is going on with the people here?
Firstly, why is the guy tasting random magically appearing liquid on the ground? You don't know what that is! You do NOT put it in your damn mouth! What if it was extremely potent poison or something?
Secondly, the Doctor immediately thinks that fluid on one of his patients' floor is bacterial colony incubation fluid. Not only this is extremely strange because only thing he had in order to guess that was the taste, but it is completely insane considering the fact that the flu is caused by a virus. There is no need for it to be kept in a bacterial colony for viruses only need moisture and proper temperature to stay alive. They only need living cells in order to reproduce. Granted, I might be wrong on this one. I do not know how viruses are held in laboratories.
Anyways, the doctor instantly feels that he must send two of his biologist friends over to one of his patients' house because he found something strange on his floor. You have no idea how dirty some people's houses are, and I wouldn't call it a miraculous happening if suddenly something that tastes like potatoes and blood appeared on someone's floor. Again, nothing points out that the doctor and our protagonist know each other better than a regular patient and doctor knows each other. This could be understandable if the doctor and Allen are extremely good old friends and his biologists are nearby and currently idle.
We never see how the call ends, and then IMMEDIATELY after that the biologists appear to the house fully geared up and ready to analyze the f
k out of everything. The f
k?
Ok, they arrive at the house with a microscope and gas masks within minutes after the call to his doctor ended . Let's presume that the hospital they came from is 10 kilometers away. It would take them AT LEAST 30 minutes to get there, considering that the doctor needs to call them, tell them whats going on and where they need to go, collect their stuff to the car and leave and then drive those 10 kilometers to the house. This happens WAY too quickly and is completely impossible.
They immediately set up a microscope and begin studying the virus sample. Considering that the regular light microscopes are unable to see viruses due to viruses being smaller than the visible electromagnetic spectrum, the biologists would not see anything with that, and more test are required. Then the biologist does the impossible and somehow deduces that it was a test tube that fell from the table, because physics say so, and that it might have come from a parallel universe.
Comon on now. NOBODY can know that. Not that it fell from a table and any sane person would slap the living hell out of the person who said it came from another universe. ANYTHING is more probable than that happening. Including that the aliens from another galaxy used their super-teleporter to teleport it into the house. The whole line is completely insane.
How to fix this in my opinion:
Make the human characters more believable. Have the doctor be Allen's old friend and let them have some small talk after the doctor has delivered the test results and then start talking about the virus vial. Have the doctor tell him that he has couple of friends over at the investigative unit or something nearby and they are off-duty at the moment. Take some time for the biologists to get there and use the time in the middle to build up the universe or establish the characters more. When the biologists arrive, have them take their time studying the sample and then giving a more detailed report about the mystery fluid. Have them not make brain-fart level insane comments that would produce a flat "what." from anyone hearing it and calling the men from the mental ward to take in the brain-farter.
Rude tl;dr:
Make longer chapters where everything does not feel like its a bullet-point power-point presentation but an actual, slow, story. And have the people acting like sane individuals instead of mental ward patients with insane ideas and an infant-like need to put everything in their mouth.
Once again, trying not to insult anyone. Thats just how I write.
EDIT: This whole thing was written before I kept reading the following chapters. If the identity and background of the doctor are revealed or expanded upon the following chapters, thats good. But the information still should be given in the same chapter as the character is firstly introduced, preferably before major dialog happens between the two.
I'm glad to see you actually decided to write the story after brainstorming it a bit. I look forward to more of it.
I would like to point out that flu vaccines are redundant as they protected you from LAST years flu. By the time you get the vaccine it's already useless.
The more you know am I right?
I'm kinda confused as to why this has a dark tag, the description makes it sound more like a comedy.
5946385 lol. or if it does protect against the current strain that means the government caused the current strain.
there should never be a vacine for the current strain before it spreads.
5946385 Vaccines don''t actually prevent diesease's, they only help prepare the body for them. They send a weak or inactive version of whatever infection it is, (No it won't harm you at all) so the B Memory Cells will remeber what type of AntiBodies to produce when the REAL infection comes.
5946805 yes, but because there is so many different types of flu they have to guess which one the comes out and how it's going to mutate. A good example is last year's vaccine was useless because they guessed wrong.
For something like small pox which has a very stable gene structure, vaccines are great. For something that mutates yearly, it's useless.
5946016 Thanks for the feedback, but there are some things I need to say.
First, the bacteria incubation thing. Remember this came from Twilight who's understanding of virus' nonexistent, and Discord won't help too much.
Second, the lack of filler. Unfortunately due to the format I picked for the chapters, everything you see is the highlights of the day. So how do I make filler to a story of highlights?
Third, the stupidity. Ok I admit it, that's one of my weaknesses. My strong points are characters (I think), and my weak points are grammar, and stupidity.
I guess I was so worried about hand waving things (aside from Discord purposly misdirecting Twilight when it comes to biology) that I forgot to make sure there were no plot holes.
5946126 Yep! I may have changed a few things that we decided on to work with the story I'm going for.
5946291 At the time he thought it was a seasonal flu. (I'd expect people to be vaccinated if there going to a hospital.)
5946385 I did some research and found that January is before the peak of cold and flu season (Febuary).
5946586 Preperation for the future. (All the dead ponies.)
5947483 That's why the flu vaccine includes more then one strain of the flu.
5947616
5947653 I won't (and can't) focus on it because that will all be happening in other country's with other standards. (Germany and Russia to be exact.)
Also I'm uncertain if I should add the comedy tag. I'd like feedback on how funny this is. I don't expect Dave Polsky level funny, but I hope it is very funny.
A good question about reading about a guy trapped for 5 days.
I guess you intend to have him in the wilderness? Or trying and failing to get around in a city? I assume his wanderlust was inspired by the change and not just him being contrary?
I wonder if he'll keep taking pictures of the change and sending them to Derrick even as he hides, of for no other reason than to mock him. Well, for however long he can hold a camera phone to turn it on and off. Once he gets hooves that may be difficult to impossible.
I wonder which type of pony he is turning into. Pegasus would probably be the most interesting in order to get him around (and manipulate rain in a desert area). Unicorn would enable the biggest WTF with magic and slow him to still operate all human stuff. Earth Pony is a nice fakeout and most inhuman while still allowing for weird behavior like sudden plant empathy/senses and odd powers with hooves while also using the mouth for a lot of things, as well as growing food for other soon to be ponies. I wonder if some people will become crystal ponies . . .
I have only one problem with this, Ya need to have longer chapters then this, 2,000 or more is the most average.
5951009
Why? I mean that seriously, the format of the story doesn't feel limited by the chapter lengths. Feels like a journal and there is a lot of time that must be covered . . . months, years with almost daily snapshots.
5951006 In his haste Allen forgot his phone, but he does not know that yet.
5951009 I can't get any higher then 800 due to the format I went with, as Its just not possible with a story of highlights.
5951456
Surely you'd go into depth for special situations like learning how to use the body for the first time, or explorations/experimentation with magic of all types . . . ?
5951006 Oh, and about his race, that is actually hinted at by that instinct he gained. I forgot I was going to have a bit of a game with this. With that instinct as a hint tell me what pony he's becoming. the first person to guess right gets to see the next chapter a little bit early.
5951472 Yes I will!
5951506
Fear of being confined, wanderlust? Gotta be a Pegasus.
5951456 Ah alright, it's fine I am just used to 2k chapters
5951548 Wow that was fast. well you got it right I'll pm the currently still being written Equestria chapter.
5954610 Tell me. On a scale from 1 to Bugs Bunny, how funny is this?
Watch as the target can't do anything with the letter due to having never used magic before, or even believing it's true.
Alternative is to have instructions for a foal how to use it, or at least work up to it.
5955236 The letter is enchanted so that a image of a compass at the bottom of the letter will always point to the portal.
5955121 probably get a coffin for me because I've been laughing myself to death.
I think you may mean a vial instead of vile.
I'm looking forward to more. I wonder if Derrick will actually make the problem worse rather than better. Since I bet the containment area is not built for an Earth Pony's strength in mind, nor Unicorn magic.
5960348 Never thought of that. Thanks for pointing it out. Now I am going to enjoy torturing both Allen and Derrick!
5960472
It just seems silly to me that he'd (and other places around the world. I know you suggested Germany for bad things but personally I don't see it due to their history . . . Russian seems plausible though) that they'd experiment on humans turned ponies when they are in an agitated state of mind without taking precautions against their special abilities.
Of course, that implies that the very first time it happened, because they had no idea what those special abilities were, something happened, and perhaps a facility that was testing the ability of the virus to infect all other life might backfire if containment was breached . . .
5961233 That's the plan! One containment breach later and all the animals will escape.
5961233 Also the wings/horn/earth pony strength change has not happened yet to his test subjects, for all Derrick knows this virus just give's you ears and a tail.
Hooves before legs and arms change? Ouch.
So the guy so far has changed, at least what it looks like:
Ears
Hands/Feet -> Hooves
Wings
Tail
Still to come:
Body type changes (no muzzle, no longer and more flexible neck, no barrel, no forelegs / hind legs)
Eyes
Hair (no mane, no fur outside changed areas)
Hah! You kept the virus makes animals sentient gimmick. Humans will soon find all their meat contaminated.
I don't recall of we talked about it, but will all the modified creatures and ponies begin to introduce background magic to the world (magic crystal formations, "Everfree Forest" areas with magical creatures and plants, magical clouds and by extension magical storms), or has it always been there, just nothing could interact with it?
5966347 First, it only infects this list of animals!
Humans
Birds
Swine
It will not affect any other lifeforms besides ponies, nor will it effect our steak.
No we did not, but it is happening, as time go's on Allen will find he will be able to fly further and faster as the story progresses, but other then that, no there will not be any Everfree's forming, on the contrary, the exact opposite might happen!
5966395 Any particular reason for it being birds and swine?
5966425 That's the selection of vectors for H1N1, otherwise known as Swine Flu has. Since this is the pony equivalent, I thought it would be best to use its vectors.
Cool color combo :P
5967111 Thanks! I chose the colors that best contrast each other.
5966540 Clever.
Plague inc all over again.(read dramatically) Will the scientists cure it or will the virus take over the world. With the main leading scientists in trouble will be there a way to stop it? See you next time on h1p1.
5967201 Who knows! (I do but here I'm River Song and I say "Spoilers.")
Mmm, mental changes ahoy. I wonder if they will all be like that or if some will have any kind of self-introspection about it.
RIP Allen Woods, Welcome new player Patient Zero (I'm assuming she'll just be called Zero for short, being called Patient would be pretty weird all the time, wouldn't it? Also think of what it implies, you being always sickly. Always a Patient.)
Here's hoping she has a good time. I'm guessing within the next three days a good number of people will be fully transformed in the initial outbreak area. And what's it like living in an endemic area, with ponies around?
Derrick's personal counter is counting down. Does the counter start from the initial infection point (in which case Derrick's already gone a bit) or from first cough?
5967516 I guess since all the changes have happened its ok to give you this. Documentation of the pony flu (by doctor Derick Kenderson)
Please note that this is a canon thing that Derrick writes in the future, but Derrick does not know about mental changes since it only will happen to two of his thirteen test subjects, so he will just brush it off as mental instability.
5967590
Oh, mental changes aren't common? That's rather interesting. I wonder what that implies, if anything.