Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
It Ain't Easy Being Breezies
Dear Diary,
Today, Fluttershy has convinced the town to help a bunch of smaller, weaker creatures. Everything goes according to plan at first, and then as usual, Spike fucks it up royally.
So wait, if the air is too gentle they can't move, if the air is too fast they're knocked off guard, they're thrown off by a stray leaf, and acorns can be lethal to them? What the hell do they even need this pollen for anyway? Did we try to figure that out before helping them?
So these things can barely fly. Say, Scootaloo, are you related to these things? I'm sorry but ecologically Breezies should have died out. They're just utterly helpless. Seriously, if one stray windblown leaf is enough to disrupt the entire process, it makes you wonder what'd happen if something REALLY went wrong. We just need to stop helping these little shits.
All in all, I'm pretty fucking sick of helping pathetic, helpless creatures. Ever hear of this thing called natural selection? Hm? Where creatures too weak to sustain themselves die off, making way for more worthy species? I'm kinda waiting for that to happen to the damned earth ponies.
Lastly, Rainbow wants to find out what it's like to be a griffon? Well, let's see here. You piss everyone off and then leave after just one day. There. You now know what it's like, so there's no need to turn you into one. Unless this is a really bad attempt at getting into bed with Gilda. I can turn you into a stallion if you want. On one condition. Don't pretend you don't know what that condition is.
At least you can accept as a form of consolation, that after meeting Seabreeze, that you are no longer the gayest being I've met. I mean, dayum, he actually had a kid with somebreezie. That's impressive. Just fix that fucking hair. Yeesh.
- Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
Thanks for your observation. Next time you fall off a cliff in the Everfree Forest, we will keep in mind that it's just nature's way of saying it's time for you to go.
Sincerely,
Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash
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That last bit has been rendered invalid by the fact that she's got wings now.
Dear Cunts
Stop reading my diary. Why the fuck are you in my house?
With Love,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
This is why I think the breezies' home is in another kinder, gentler universe. If they were native to Equestria, they'd either be more robust or extinct.
As for why they need pollen from the alien deathworld? I'm still working on that, but all of my hypotheses point towards something sinister. Trust not the Fae.
Holy Broly Guacamoly, this one is one of my favourites by now Natural selection, say are you Darwin-ist?
Oh, and almost forgot, Hiel Sparkle xDDD
Now I wonder if anyone's gonna think of writing Rainbow Dash x Seabreeze ship fics.
4029564 That would be... interesting...
With this fandom, I won't be surprised to see that happen, though...
4029564 This needs to happen...
How is Seabreeze gay? He has a wife and child. Yeah, the hair and skintight clothes don't help, but you can't deny that he is actually straight. Other than that, I loved this one. Keep up the AngryTwilight nonsense, please.
~ Decaf
Yeah...Breezies need to fall to Darwin's Law of Nature. Or be put in annually for the Darwin Awards.
In the past the breezies did it all themselves -- then they had issues one year and bleeding hearts like fluttershy found it their duty to help. Being as co-dependant and lazy as most breezies tend to be, they asked for help the next time. Eventually it became a tradition and most breezies even forgot that they did it themselves at one time or do not care that they did because being helped is easier.
4029548 LOL javascript:simile(';);
4029709 She'll turn her into some kind of living, breathing sex toy.
4029660
I thought that sentence looked familiar...
4029716
Yes I use the same handle here as I do on Noble Jury.
4029718
I'm pretty sure the Darwin Awards are given to those who benefited the human race by taking themselves out of the gene pool. That usually involves getting their dumb asses killed, but I think there are a few living nominees and maybe even a living recipient or two.
Am I the only one who saw the humor in Rainbow Dash asking about being turned into two different species, both of which are carnivorous in nature?
There's a lot of jokes that could be had there. Being regarded as a lesbian but wanting meat.
4029752 As of Bats!, she can fly enough to keep herself from falling off a cliff. HA!
Scootaloo is part Breezie, that's some wild (and disturbing) headcanon.
She called him Spike?
Yes, this entire chapter on the episode makes so much fucking sense, its ridiculously funny and true,
Thank you for this humorous, delightful chapter!!!!!!
4029550 Maybe they're literally from G3.
Dear Every Other Fucking Breezie I'm Stuck With,
All I want to do is to get home to my wife and child. That's it. Nothing else.
But no. You guys just had to throw a fucking party. Way to prioritize on what really matters.
You guys are dicks.
Sincerely,
Seabreeze
What kind of sadistic DM would have ONE of several keys to a box be a magically enlarged flower that does not occur in equestria at all? That is like ridiculous.
Rarity and Pinkie Pie, however, had no objections with Twilight.
My thought throughout the entire episode. That, and all of them but Seabreeze are lazy a-holes.
Dear Breezies,
Guess what's in the package that came with this letter? It's your friends! That's right, we got tired of the whole "drop everything you're doing, the Breezies need to get through!" and then we realized, it doesn't really matter how we get you chumps from point A to point B so long as we do it before the portal closes. -(Oh stop whining Fluttershy, we put airholes in the box, didn't we?)- Anyways, express shipping ain't cheap, so I'm attaching a bill. Pay up, or next year I'm sending a centipede through the portal.
With love,
-Twilight Sparkle
EPA scientist: You are now legally responsible for the safety and well-being of this Breezie. Everything you need to know is in this pamphlet.
Fluttershy: 'Breezie Care Tips'. Wow! Look at all this stuff. 'Without constant reassurance, it will die. It's sexually attracted to fire...'
Twilight: Are you sure Celestia doesn't want it to be dead?
Dear Fax Machine:
Forgoing dragon-type attacks and attacking us with leaves? Well played. But you know well that, as fairies, we are still super-effective against you. And we know where you live
Sweet dreams
Love, Seabreeze and co.
Dear Twilight,
If you'd let me mount you in the first place, I could've watched the Breezies without sending them off course and we wouldn't have had to deal with this mess. You used to let me mount you, back before you became a royal cunt, remember?
Sincerely,
-Spike
4031059
P.S.: I know it sounds bad, but it could've been worse. Twilight said it would've been cheaper to "fax" your friends instead, and I spent half an hour trying to explain to her that it wouldn't end well. On the bright side, I don't think you'll have to worry about paying. It'll be a while before the portal opens again, and as self-appointed Princess of Ponyville, Twilight's bound to piss off somepony who'll kill her sooner or later.
Lovingly,
-Fluttershy
Did anyone ever mention how long the portal opens and when they normally open and close?
4029548 But is that love sincere?
I don't care about all the darwin crap. I just want to know...
Why the fuck did Fluttershy have a thimble? Where the hell did that thing come from, and what kind of creatures use it??
Fat chance. They're like vermin; they survive through anything
(EP master race!)
24.media.tumblr.com/8d0de8e7f13a70a92df56612df48b4d1/tumblr_n1tpa7tfDV1r3xkiio1_r1_500.jpg
The Internet, ladies and Gentlemen!
4032753
She borrowed it from Iron Will
And do you know what that means Twilight? It's likely that that tiny flamboyant thing still gets laid more than you.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought of natural selection while I was watching this episode. I have a habit of picturing episodes within the context of the story I'm writing, and one of the first things one of my characters would say is "Shit, how do these things survive? What happened to natural selection? "
4029991
that would explain SO much...
4029742
from my understanding, they didn't have to be dead per say, simply be unable to ever reproduce. dead is just easier, and not exploitation of a loophole. also i think having already had kids disqualifies you, so at least one breezy is ineligible.
Fact: Evolution hates fairies.
At this one I agree with Bitchy Sparkle. Breezies are so helpless that I want to finish them all.
Bitches, I have wings now, and even if I didn't, teleportation! Umad?
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Im honestly surprised no one saw a distinct similarity between Seabreeze's...wife? Partner?...and Scootaloo by coloration?
4035033 It is also a video series on youtube and it has sound. so yes I made a referece and this fan fic has much more.
4056312 That was more of a reference to Ashleigh Ball's indie rock band, Hey Ocean.
4059245 Thanks man!
4030073
That would be my old DM. "Oh yeah, you know that side quest you guys decided not to do? Well the whole world if f@cked now because you didn't get that key from that treasure."
4030724
The breezies we got to meet were just the ones at the end of the line who didn't manage to recover. So, sample bias?
4030073 I'm pretty sure the object itself is meaningless. It's the emotions instilled into it that are the key. Friendship is magic keys, ponies.
4041204 Dear Twilight,
Teleportation, huh? You didn't seem to remember that last time.
Sincerely,
Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash
4064779 They're all helpless, no matter how small of a group actually got left behind.
4066380
That's not what sample bias means. It means, we got to see those who were so helpless that a leaf could throw them off.
4079375 The Grand Galloping Gala may be annual, but there was no indication of how far off the Gala was when they started mentioning it / getting ready for it.