The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 7 Dan Vs. Love
Chapter 40 Pinkie Vs. Philanthropy
****
Pinkie slowly opened her eyes to the sounds of birds chirping. Sunlight shot through the blinds in bright bands of light across her face, and over the light blue blanket she was under. She smiled as she enjoyed the warm feeling on her face, and also the warm feeling on her back. She reached to her abdomen to discover two arms had wrapped her in a tight embrace.
She giggled as she lightly tapped her finger against the hands on her torso in a rhythmic fashion. Dan stirred from behind her and nuzzled his head into her pink curls. “Oh, I can get used to this.” Pinkie purred.
“SNORT!” Without warning Dan shot up and threw the covers off his bare chest and boxers. He inhaled a large amount of air before he slammed his head into the swinging lamp directly over the bed. “GHAH!”
“Eeep!” Pinkie responded startled by Dan’s sudden jump and frantic behavior.
Dan flailed his hands at the lamp as Pinkie quickly sat up and stopped its swinging before it could land another blow on Dan. Pinkie looked at Dan with concern.
Mr. Mumbles gave an alarmed meow and bounded off of the bed at the sudden movement.
“Dan?! What’s wrong?! What happened?!” Pinkie asked.
Dan shot her a glare. “I couldn’t breathe with my face in your stupid hair.”
Pinkie attempted to keep her concerned and sympathetic look but it quickly fell to a grin as her body shook with the laughter she was failing at stifling. “Pffft…I’m…sorry? HeheheHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
Dan frowned. “Alright, admittedly, that does sound pretty idiotic.”
“Hehehehe, Sorry Dan. My hair just has a mind of its own.”
“Apparently it has a mind for murder, it just tried to kill me.” Dan said, narrowing his eyes.
Pinkie grinned. “It’s very attached to its territory, i.e. my scalp.”
Dan glared again, this time directed at Pinkie’s hair. “Next time, I’ll bring an electric shear.” Dan commented.
Pinkie smirked. “You tried that already, remember?”
<***>
‘Bzzzzzzzzzz’
“SNORE!”
Dan glared down at the mop of pink curls around his roommate’s face that blanketed the white pillow she was sleeping away on. “Alright, hair,” Dan spat out angrily, “your reign of terror ends today! No longer will I wake up to find you covering the drain in the bathtub! This ends, now! From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee!”
Dan stuck his electronic weapon into the amorphous, pink, collection of curls. Rotating razors drank deeply of the beasts flesh as the shears descended into the deep mass of bright locks.
‘BzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ’
Too deeply, it seemed. Soon the device was buzzing loudly in protest as it drowned in a sea of hair that was proving too thick and stalwart for the motor of the device.
Dan removed his hand in alarm as the shears heated up to an uncomfortable temperature. Dan dove for the cord and unplugged it as the device burst into flames. He turned back and was suddenly staring straight into angry, questioning blue eyes.
“Dan, why is my hair smoking and on fire?” Pinkie asked in a calm voice laced with venom.
“Uhhh…” Dan responded. Attempting to come up with a reasonable answer that wouldn’t get him stabbed.
Pinkie paused, closed her eyes, and held up her hands, palms facing Dan. “You know what? I’m going to stick my head in the shower.” She opened her eyes resuming her glare and leveled an index finger at Dan. “When I come back, you better have an apology and an explanation or I’m going to make you eat whatever this thing is in my hair.” She said in a threatening tone.
Dan gulped. “Yes, ma’am.”
Pinkie calmly hopped out of bed and not so calmly panically ran out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.
>***<
Dan’s glare fell as he was reminded of one of his less proud moments and a time when aggression against Pinkie was something he’d do without a second thought. “Uh…right. Sorry about that…again.”
Pinkie simply smiled back at Dan. “Oh, it’s okay. A got to wear hats for about a week and got really clever about combing over the burnt hair in that time.” Pinkie responded happily. “And, hey! We both learned something important that day.”
Dan raised an eyebrow. “That your hair is an uncontrollable beast that consumes all in its path?”
Pinkie giggled, and playfully waved a dismissive hand at Dan. “No silly! I learned I should clean my hair out of the drain and you learned…” Pinkie paused and quickly glanced to the side. “…Well, I guess you did learn that thing you just said!” She exclaimed
“It’s great you can be so understanding about your hair being attacked and set on fire.” Dan replied. “Pretty sure most girls would have made me eat the sheers…” He explained, mumbling, “…provided they’d ever speak to me again…”
Pinkie continued to smile and shrugged. “You didn’t mean to set my hair on fire.”
“No, but I did mean to shave it off.” Dan insisted.
“Oh, don’t worry about it!” Pinkie replied. “You apologized, my hair grew back, and everything is hunky-dory!”
“If you say so…”
Pinkie nodded vigorously. “I do say so!” She sprang from the bed and walked over to the bedroom closet. “Now if you’ll excuse me…” Pinkie pulled on the sliding door to the closet, revealing that it was 50% full of colorful, mostly pink clothing, and 50% full of sharp and dangerous looking weapons. “…I seem to be wearing the same thing I was last night and could probably do with a shower.”
Dan hopped out of the bed as Pinkie fished out her white, button up shirt; black vest, rainbow leg warmers, and cutoff jean shorts.
Pinkie turned and grinned slyly at Dan. “Now, how do you suppose I made it from the couch to the bed, I wonder?” She cooed.
Dan blushed slightly, and walked to his dresser grumbling, “You’re heavy…” sheepishly.
Pinkie grinned wide. “I thought as much.”
*A round of showers and dressing later*
“So,” Dan began sitting on the couch next to Pinkie, water still dripping off his hair, “what does Pinkie Pie want to do with her day?”
Pinkie smiled bemusedly. “Why, Mr. Mandel, are you actually asking me, what I want to do for a change?” She asked fluttering her eyelids.
“What?” Dan said feigning hurt into his voice. “I’m sure you have plenty of awesome ideas to kill a day.”
“Weeelllll…since you asked,” Pinkie said with a grin, “I was thinking I’ve been given so much, mostly courtesy of Las Vegas, that I should really give something back to those who need it.”
Dan frowned. “I stand corrected.”
“Aww, come on!” Pinkie insisted, throwing her hands out. “I’m sure it’ll be fun!”
“Since when is giving money to people too lazy to make it themselves, ‘fun’?” Dan asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Maybe we can think of a way to make it fun!” Pinkie insisted.
Dan paused as a mischievous smile crept across his face. “Alright, I have an idea. Have you ever heard of a t-shirt cannon?”
***
The red hatchback pulled up to a bearded man wearing a black beanie; and brown, tattered, patched, and soiled clothes. Flies buzzed around him as he held up a sign that read “Will Juggl Lobstrs for cash.”
Dan and Pinkie stared at him from their rolled down car windows. Dan in the driver seat, and Pinkie in the backseat.
Dan glared at the grungy looking homeless man. “You’re missing some ‘e’s there.”
“Couldn’t afford ‘em.” The man responded in a gruff voice.
Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe, good one.”
Dan’s expression softened a bit. “You get many handouts with that line?”
“Heh, a bit.” The homeless man admitted.
“Well, here comes the mother lode.” Dan said with a grin. “Get ‘em, Pinkie.”
“Wait!” Pinkie looked at the hobo with a huge grin on her face. “Can you really juggle lobsters?!”
The man grinned under his dingy beard. “For a pretty lady like yourself, of course! I’ll have lobster flying around in a jiffy!”
*Exactly one jiffy later*
“GET ‘EM OFF ME! GET ‘EM OFF! GET’EMOFF! GETEMOFF!”
Pinkie and Dan looked down at the tramp as red lobsters clambered all over his body and affixed themselves to him via their large, painful looking claws.
Pinkie turned to Dan. “This wasn’t as much fun as I was expecting.”
“I, for one, am pleasantly surprised by the level of entertainment here!” Dan responded. “But I guess you could always put him out of his misery.”
“Okay!” Pinkie responded, diving into the backseat and reemerging with a large, black, cylindrical cannon with a large barrel that she pointed directly at the homeless man.
“WAIT!” The hobo pleaded, standing up. A lobster hung by its claws on his beard as the other lobsters remained attached to his appendages. “Just, give me another jiffy! I promise I’ll get them airborne this time!”
“Don’t worry!” Pinkie said. “It’ll all be over in a second!” She assured.
The bearded man closed his eyes and quickly made peace with his maker.
‘THOMP’
A green projectile slammed into the tramp, sending him flying into his cardboard home behind him with a loud ‘Crash’. $100 bills exploded in all directions then drifted gently to the ground.
“GoD, BlesS, Yoooouu…” The homeless man warbled out.
Pinkie beamed as Dan drove off. “You’re right Pinkie, helping others is fun!” He grinned evilly. “Let’s see who else we can help.”
*
“Hello, sir. My name is Crunchy, it rhymes with munchies. And I am her today to say, what you like to save the whales…today?” A blond haired, dreadlocked man with pink glasses, a green shirt, a purple vest, khakis, and flip-flops, held out a large coffee can and shook it about.
Pinkie clapped her hands happily. “Oh! I like him! He rhymed!”
Dan turned back to the pink haired girl hanging out the backseat window. “He used ‘today’ twice. That’s hardly poetry.”
Pinkie raised her hands in a shrug. “At least he tried.”
“Hey man, the whales could really use your support!” Crunchy insisted.
Dan furrowed his brow, turning back towards Crunchy. “What have the whales ever done for me?” Dan demanded.
“No bra, ask not what the whales can do for you, but ask what mankind has done to the whales!” The hippy replied.
“Not enough, apparently!” Dan said. “They’re still here, aren’t they?!” Dan retorted.
“Sir! If you’re not hear to support our cause of restoring balance in the ocean. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Crunchy said, folding his arms across his chest.
Dan shrugged. “Suits me!” He started the car.
“WAIT!” Pinkie shouted from the back seat. “Dan! We have so much! We don’t need to be picky-mickies!”
Dan sighed. “You’re right, Pinkie. Give the man everything that’s coming to him.”
Crunchy grinned and held up his coffee tin, but his grin quickly turned to alarm as Pinkie raised her large, black, cannon looking aperture.
‘THOMP’
Crunchy flew back into a table full of Save the Whales’ fliers. The table snapped in half at the impact, and fliers buried the hippy as a ‘Save the Whales’ banner collapsed, taking two large plastic poles with it, and into the center of the papery, money mass of injured hippy.
“Oooo…” Pinkie said through clenched teeth. “Sorry.”
“It’S alL GOod…thanks for your contrabeee...contribuooo…cash.” Crunchy responded, one of his arms pointed in a rather unnatural angle.
“I can fix this!” Pinkie declared. She quickly reloaded her cannon, took aim, and fired another round into Crunchy who gurgled painfully in response.
“Pinkie!” Dan shouted. “Stop giving the dirty hippy all your money!”
“But hospitals are expensive!” Pinkie protested.
Crunchy weakly raised his finger into the air. “Mouther natcher thanks yooouuu…” The finger fell limply into the pile of $100 bills.
Dan snickered to himself and drove off.
*
“Wanna buy some Girl Scout cookies, mister?” A small, freckled, redheaded girl asked. Her hair curly and long. She wore a white shirt with a green sash across it and a matching green skirt.
“Awww, you’re adorable, kid. We’ll take all of them!” Dan said happily.
“Really, minster?!” The child replied, a dazzling smile exploded across her face.
Dan nodded. “Yep! Get her, Pinkie!” Dan commanded.
Pinkie quickly popped out from the backseat window and leveled her cannon.
‘THOMP’
“AHHH!” The little girl screamed in alarm as a green mass of bills exploded across her face.
*
“Would you like to help fund diabeetus research?” A balding man with bushy white eyebrows and an equally bushy mustache asked.
‘THOMP’
“MY PANCREAS!”
“Well…it wasn’t working right anyways…” Pinkie offered, grinning sheepishly.
“Dude, I think you just shot a celebrity.” Dan observed.
*
“Boy Scout coupons?”
‘THOMP’
‘AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!’
*
“Breast cancer research?”
‘THOMP’
“WAAAAAAAAH! WHY WOULD YOU SHOOT AT THOSE?!”
*
“Save the trees?”
‘THOMP’
“BANDERSNATCH!”
*
“Save the owls?”
‘THOMP’
“WHIFFLE!”
*
“Save the hungry?”
‘THOMP’
“TULGEY!”
*
“Save the dolphins?”
‘THOMP’
“BURBLE!”
*
“Save the tuna?”
‘THOMP’
“FRABJOUS!”
*
“Save the tuna from the dolphins?”
‘THOMP’
“GFLARGLE!”
‘THOMP’
‘THOMP’
‘THOMP’
‘THOMP’
‘THOMP’
“I think that homeless guy just twitched.” Dan commented.
‘THOMP’
A devilish grin spread across Dan’s face. “Much better.”
Pinkie deposited the t-shirt cannon on the seat next to her, breathing heavily. “Huff…Pufff…There! I think that’s enough helping the needy for now.”
“I’m not sure the needy can survive any more of our help, anyways.” Dan commented.
Pinkie put her hands on the seats in front of her and leaned forward. “I’m starved!” She announced. “Wanna grab a burger?”
“Do I!?” Dan responded enthusiastically.
Pinkie propelled herself forward neatly onto the passenger’s seat, and quickly buckled her seatbelt.
The red hatchback cruised down the street, palm trees passing on either side.
“Just don’t pay the drive-thru worker with the money cannon.” Dan said.
“Ahhh, you’re no fun…” Pinkie said in a pouting tone.
“I mean it!” Dan said. “Save that level of carnage for Lenny’s.”
“Pffft…” Pinkie began dismissively. “Like I’d fire money at anyone who works there.”
“You know…” Dan began. “…we can always figure out what else this thing can fire.”
Pinkie giggled. “I guess we know what we’re doing tomorrow~.” She sang.
Wow. Soon as I favourite this thing, it updates. Consider me pleased
that was funny i'm crying
Bwahahahaha! Oh lordy, that was funny!
3471498
Well then buckle up, he pumps out a chapter this size every two to three days.
Nnnnice!
i think i bust my gut
Dan's favorite books are Moby Dick and the Count of Monte Cristo aren't they?
And if you're unaware the book of the latter is incredibly dark, the movies barely relate to the plot at all. The 'protagonis' esssentually destroys the lives of anyone he meets for his vengence. So, yeah....
“Since when is giving money too lazy to make it themselves, ‘fun’?”
is it suppose to be "giving money to people too lazy to make it themselves" ?
Yeah! Inflation!
"MY PANCREAS!!!"
"Well...it wasn't working right anyway.."
As a diabetic, I found that hilarious!
3799568
I am very happy to read my potentially offensive joke has brought joy and not sorrow.
When she shot the breast cancer lady (I assume) it says 'Why would you shout those' (With a lot more caps lock, granted), I think you meant to type 'Shoot'. Anyway, still a great story, I'm actually crying right now from the level of win.
3861972
Whoops! I'll fix that! Thanks and thanks for the compliment!
STOP MAKING THEM SO EVILLY ADORABLE TOGETHER!
Hey we sell popcorn (at least we do on this coast, not sure about the rest of the country)
Bandersnatch? Did they shoot the mad hatter?
3933414 I think they shot Lewis Carol. Or at least the Banker from the hunting of the Snark.
3933414 no that would be the guy who yelled FRABJOUS when he got hit.
Is it Wilford Brimley?
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/44450174.jpg
was bandersnatch and frabjous from the Jabberwok or just Louis Carol in genral
4363817
They're both (along with a few others, if memory serves) out of Jabberwocky
I need new sides now. Seriously, I work night shift at a hotel and I probably just woke up all of the guests staying here.
Ch 7 is best chapter (with 7.5 a close second, and 1 a close third. )
3930482 Depends. Which coast are you on? I'm over in AZ and we sell popcorn, too. I think the author was referring to the scout-a-rama tickets.
This made me cry
This reminds me of something Chris Rock once said:
"If a homeless man has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless for very long. Real homeless people are too hungry to be funny."
Putting this in my chapter comments instead of my corrections because this is a content correction instead of a grammar correction:
LIVE lobsters...are not red. Lobsters only turn red after they've been boiled; ie, when they are dead.
All I read was “Wanna buy some Girl Scout cookies, mister?” and started cracking up. Knew exactly what was coming, laughed my head off anyway.
A got to wear hats
And I am her today to say, what you like to save the whales…today
If you’re not hear to support our cause
“Really, minster?!” The child replied
1. I.
2. Here, Would.
3. Here.
4. Mister.
Mo money, mo problems?
Uh... I think there is a problem with Pinkie's endless gorge of money. At first, it wouldn't be a problem, but after a bit of big spending, all of that extra money in circulation will crash the economy.
4860581 *Alondro points at the Fed* Hey, if THEY can keep printing endless amount of cash for the banksters, then Pinkie can create as much as she wants for everyone else!
4948837 I knew the first time I read this that it had to be a reference to something, I just can't place it...
4948837 I don't get it
5351754
5329488
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilford_Brimley
This guy did a lot of diabetes commercials.
I just have to ask, why is Pinkie living with Dan in his apartment, if she rented out the apartment next to his?
5738580 at first she rented the apartment t next to him, but now they live in the same one on a per meant basis
Don't Boy Scouts sell popcorn. I sure did.
"THOMP" is now my favorite onomatopoeia.
Merciless Money Cannon...
Headcanon Accepted.
Glorious money cannon slaughter! :D
4948837
Spotted the reference a mile away
Also, taking a break and I shall see you next time~
Surprised the cannon doesn't go POMF...oh wait that's Fluffle Puff. Anyway my 23 years of type 1 diabeatus (up) thanks you for your contribution Pinkie.
And now for my theme song
OOh OOh pancakes!!
4860581 It's Pinkie.... Your logic is invalid
7628802 Also... Do you realize just how much money is constantly circulating in the economy? It would take Trillions delivered in this manner to actually screw things up, and that's assuming all the people use that money just to buy frivolities, and not to, say, start their own businesses or invest in new reasearch or technologies or whatever.
Yeah- endless money from one person isn't going to do much.
7872645 It's Pinkie. Your logic is indeed invalid
7872645 Depends on how she uses the money. If she started naking multi billion financial transactions and screwing around with banks it could.
Oh my gosh! It's the homeless guy from "Dan vs Art" who spoke cat and told Dan Mr. Mumbles was a girl! Am I the first to realize that?
4860581
Uh, you do realize this is her Vegas winnings she's shooting at people, right? That's why they're all $100s.
She's not making new money for this. That's why she talked about how they'd been given so much "mostly courtesy of Vegas" before they started their Philanthropy.
8687915
You very well might be. Many of my references to even this show are crazy subtle like that.
8687932
And thats not even thinking how much money ends up burning in the riots that break put near her
Your story is absolutely hilarious and I wish I had the know how to do in depth chaptrr-by-chapter reviews