The Anons of Equestria

by Bastinator

Chapter 1: Clean Slate

Your name is Anon and karma is bullshit. Of all the things you’ve done in your life, what caused this? Was it that you didn’t give change to that homeless guy on the way home from work? No, you went inside to buy some groceries and gave him at least a few bucks. Were you too disruptive in school? No, you did your work and shut your mouth like a good kid. Were you a douche that no one liked? No, you were close to those around you and had a large group of friends.

Then what? What could possibly have given cause for this? You were just sitting in your room when the light struck and you woke up here. That’s when you heard the shot. You knew what a gunshot sounded like; you’d fired your fathers 9mm at the range. But you’re not at the range. You’re in some forest, and by god that isn’t what you heard.

~~~

Sweat drips from your forehead as you hide behind a tree trunk, hand clenched to your chest, your heart about to explode. A shadow moves beyond your sight, the darkness covering him in a vague silhouette. You don’t know why you did it, but you followed him. Maybe it’s because he was another body. Maybe it was because you thought he knew what was going on.

Whatever the cause, you followed him as he traversed the trees and brush. Shouting comes from before you and the one you follow seems to be checking it out as well. He’s probably just as confused as you. At least you hope. If he had something to do with this…

”I said hold it! One more move and the next shot won’t be a warning.” You find a semi-large clearing, three men within the space, the rifleman shouldering his firearm. “Now how about you both sit the fuck down and tell me what I’m doing back in this piss pot?”

You find a trunk to hide behind that grants a decent view, the silent man disappearing from view. One of the men wipes his face with his jacket sleeve and raises his hands, “Look this is a big misunderstanding so hold off on the accusations.”

”Liar!” the second man yells, “You did this didn’t you! You want to fuck with me again, then fine, let’s do this big bro.”

The rifleman’s draw cuts him short, “Back off short stuff, let’s take things nice and easy.”

”I’m sorry sir. Please put the weapon down, I don’t what’s gotten into him.”

”Don’t do it! He’ll kill you the second he gets the chance.”

A deafening crack rings out and a blink of light leaves a fourth man in the grassy circle. His clothes are ragged and hair unkempt as if he hadn’t bathed in years. The question you’re asking isn’t who he is, more so, how the fuck did he get here? The man wakes up surprisingly calm, until he saw the others. ”Hoh shit!” he crawls away the rifleman closing in, “Please don’t hurt me.”

”Identify yourself civilian!”

”M-m-m- my nam- name’s Anon.”

He steps back, a look of curiosity on his face. ”So’s mine,” the second man says.

”Mine too,” another one says coming out of the brush, the one you’ve been following.

The rifleman shoulders his gun, “Same here.”

What in the holiest of hells is going on here? ”If it makes you feel any better my name’s Anonymous,” the guy in the leather jacket jokes.

”Shut up,” his little brother barks before looking to the newcomer, “So you’re both back to finish the job huh?”

He ignores him and looks to the rifleman, “It’s been a while since you’ve seen a human, am I right?”

He nods, “You too?”

He shakes his head in return, “I know those two, but this guy?” He points to the ragged one, “Never seen him.”

”I have a name!”

”Yeah, and it’s the same as every other guy here if I’m correct,” he replies.

”Except for me,” the guy in the jacket replies.

“Do what your brother said and shut up. I’m trying to figure this shit out.”

”That’s something I’d like to hear,” a sixth man comes out of the brush. He’s in what looks like leather armor, a sword sheathed on his hip.

The six of them stand in silence, the rifleman breaking it, “If there’s anyone else out there, come here now!”

You’re paralyzed in fear. You’ve got two men that were fighting, a guy with an assault rifle, someone who popped out of the air, this muscular man and a fucking swordsman. How the hell can you just walk over there? They wait and wait and wait… A stick smacks against your side, “Well what’re you waiting for kid?” Another thwack sends you into the circle, your attacker steadily walking behind you. ”That should be everyone. I made a quick round,” he says.

The rifleman brings you all together in a circle, keeping the fighters apart for now. ”Got a light?” he asks, the muscular one kneeling down to the ground, a fiery orb forming from his hand.

You step back in shock, the guy in the jacket chuckling, “New to Equestria are ya?”

“E-Equestria? Is that in Europe?”

”We can figure this out later,” the rifleman states. “Let’s get the pressing issue out of the way.”

“What the hell is going on?” you shout out, mostly ignored, save for the rifleman.

”No, what we’re going to call each other. As much as I’d like to say ‘Hey Anon, go help Anon and Anon,’ that’s fucking stupid.”

”So what do you suggest,” the swordsman asks.

”I think it’d be best to get to know each other a little bit. I know I haven’t seen another human in a while, so this is- refreshing.”

“Call dibs on Anon,” you give another outburst, always quick on the draw.

”Clever bastard,” one of them says under his breathe.

The big guy nods, “Tell us a little about yourself Anon.”

“There’s not much to say.” You stand up and give your little spiel. “I live in Texas, urban. I’m an area manager for a small networking corporation. Nothing much else to say.”

”So you are new to Equestria then?”

“I would say so, yes.”

”Fucking great, a newbie,” the guy in the jacket jokes.

”How about you go next then big, mouth,” the rifleman states.

He shrugs and stands as you sit, “Anonymous is my name, if my little brother hadn’t made that clear.”

”Piece of shit,” he mutters.

”Shut up. Go on Anonymous.”

”I’ve been here for one year today. I live in Ponyville and work various jobs. And I’m NOT a murderer. Thank you.” He sits down glaring at his brother.

His brother stands up, “Since those other names were taken, you can call me Mickey. He was an old friend of mine.”

”Alright Mickey, what do you do?”

“I helped lead the resistance against Mr. Tyrant over here. He killed Discord and used his power to control all of Equestria.”

”That’s a blatant lie!” Anonymous bursts out, “I made sure he was frozen in stone!’

“That’s not the story I heard. He’s a monster, and that guy,” he points to the big one, “He’s the one that killed me.”

”We’ll get to my turn in a bit Mickey, sit down.” He complies, anger full on his face.

The ragged looking one stands, “You can call me Flavus. I’m a- a citizen of Canterlot, not the most well off as you can tell.” He smells like death itself. ”I can tell you guys have some feud, please don’t drag me into it.”

“Nice to meet you Flavus.”

The rifleman picks himself up, “My name’s Anon- call me Duff, he too was an old friend. I’m a Colonial Marine stationed in Ponyville. I helped stave off the Xeno infestation.”

Anonymous speaks up, “You do know that Colonial Marines aren’t real. They’re fiction.”

”Do I look like fiction to you? Does my gun sound fake?”

”Point taken.”

”Good,” he continues, “I don’t know what’s going on, but as long as you don’t hurt my friends we’ll get along just fine.”

The swordsman is the next to stand, “Call me Flash, he was my best man at the wedding.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thanks. I’m the Prince of Glaemar, but don’t let that fool you, I’m not some noble douchebag.” Good to know. “I helped Equestria in a war against some old cranky bitch. She and her changelings almost destroyed both and my wife’s home.”

The big guy looks flustered at the statement and gets up. “Call me Light. I’m an old hero of Equestria, dead and brought back to life here somehow.” He looks towards Flash, “And that ‘old cranky bitch’ just happens to be the girl I love.”

”You should pick better women,” he replies.

Light takes a step but Duff stops him, “Tsk tsk tsk, don’t let him get to you.”

Light closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, “Apologies. I took part in Mickey’s war, and I chose the wrong side. I slew him in cold blood, and for that no apology can fix.”

”Damn right.”

”But I know Anonymous for who he truly is, and before I came here I ended his life.”

Anonymous looks in awe, “Why does everyone hate me?”

”You know, you know. Thanks, my name’s Light.”

”I guess that just leaves me right?” the guy with the cane says, struggling to get up. “Mous is adequate I would think. I used to be an adventurer until Equestria showed me otherwise. Rockslide broke mostly every bone in my body, and my fellows broke the rest.”

“The hell did you do?”

“I was an asshole to say the least, but I’ve changed my ways. I live in Sugarcube Corner with Pinkie, that ball of fun.” He sighs, “I’ve been all across Equestria and beyond, but I don’t yearn for adventure anymore. I just want to see her again.”

”Now that we have that out of the way, any questions?” Duff asks. You raise your hand like a grade-schooler, “Yes?”

“Where in the holy hell of fuck tits am I?”

They all look to Duff to give the answer. ”Equestria. Welcome to Ponyland Anon.”

“I don’t even…”

Light wipes off his pants, “We’re all here, I don’t know if it was my doing or one of yours, but it doesn’t matter. We’re all stuck together.”

”So who’s world are we in? I mean, we’ve all been sucked from ours it looks like,” Anonymous says.

“Looking to rule this one too?” his brother beckons.

”For the last time, I’m not who you think I am.”

“Both of you shut up, god damn. I just want to get back home.”

The group begins to laugh together, “Home? Sorry to say it, Anon, but there’s no going back.”

“I don’t believe that.”

Flavus pats you on the back, “I hate pushing my beliefs onto others, but you’re just blatantly wrong.”

”What’s our first move? I don’t know this land well.” Light says.

Mous answers him, “We find Ponyville. I recognize this area and it’s the Everfree Forest. We can reach Ponyville by sunrise if we get a move on.”

“How are you taking this so easy? Do you understand what you’re saying? Ponyville? Equestria? Are you all insane?”

They look to one another, “I don’t think so.”

“You guys really are insane. You don’t live with fucking ponies.”

Mous shrugs, “We did.” You have to find a way back home. This is just fucking crazy. ”The faster you accept it, the easier it’ll be to take.”

“I can’t. I had a life.”

”And you think we didn’t?” Well- Damn it. “Let’s just go.”

The eight of you trek through the dense forest, the occasional howl startling you. Mous said the wolves won’t attack a group your size, but a manticore might. You don’t know what a manticore is and you’d rather not know. Duff’s arsenal makes you feel both safe and vulnerable.

If he were to go a little stir-crazy… you don’t want to be around him. In fact, you don’t want to be around any of them. The only guy who doesn’t look like he’ll slit your throat is Flavus and he reeks, but you can’t be picky these days. You’ll try and get to know him better. Maybe he wants to get home too.

You step out from the forest with the others looking down towards a town. ”I told you, here by sunrise.”

Flavus breathes a sigh of relief, “Thank Celestia, let’s hope I can borrow one of their showers.” At least he’s aware.

~~~

You step through the streets of Ponyville, a part of you hoping the whole ‘pony’ thing was a joke. How wrong you were.

They’re not very big, but damn there’s a lot of them, each with different colors and branded on their butt. The ponies stop and stare at your ragtag group of people. ”Just like old times am I right?” Anonymous jokes with Duff.

“Last time I came in shouting like a mad man, so this is a bit new for me.” A purple- unicorn. Fuck it, this is the norm here. Well the unicorn stops in front of your group.

Flash looks relieved, “I’ll take care of this guys. Twilight, it’s great to see you again.”

She takes a step back as he approaches, “Um, how do you know my name?”

He pauses, “It’s me Anon.”

”I’m sorry but I don’t know you.”

He slumps back over to the group in defeat, “She… but…”

”Anonymous was right,” Light says, “This land isn’t our own. Our homes are gone.” Your group erupts in whispers and fear. Mous excuses himself and shuffles off further into town past Twilight. Anonymous and Mickey shoot off as well, racing each other somewhere.

”Who are you all?” Duff’s surprisingly tranquil about all of this, more so than the others.

He extends his hand, “I apologize for our intrusion. My name is Duff.”

She meets him, “Duff, care to explain just why you’re… associates, are running amuck in Ponyville.”

”It’s a long story, you wouldn’t believe me even if I told you.”

”Try me.”

”When’s the next train to Canterlot?” Flavus asks swiftly.

”It’s about to leave, but why-“ Flavus darts away before she can finish talking. Turns out he’s just as weird as the others.

Duff rubs his head, “Once again, apologies.” Light turns and walks away towards the exit of town.

“Where are you going?”

”I have to see her, just in case.” No no, why is everyone leaving?

“Duff you have to stop him.”

”I can’t do that Anon. He needs to see it for himself.”

Light disappears from view, Mous bringing Anonymous and Mickey back by the ear.

Flash sighs, “I need a drink.”

“I think we all do.”

Mous lets the two of them go, “If I see you both fighting again there will be hell to pay.”

”I won’t let him corrupt Dash again!”

”I’m not a villain, stop painting me as one!”

Twilight watches the two of them bicker, Duff putting on his best fake smile. ”Care to join us for a drink Twilight?”

She tries to make sense of your situation, but it’s clear that she’s coming up blank. ”Fine, but you’re going to tell me everything you know.”

”I give you my word as a soldier.”

She looks to the others, “Where’d you have in mind?”

”The Broken Record. If it’s still around.”

”It’s not open yet.”

He leads your group off, “I know where the spare key is.”

~~~

All of you slip through the back door and into the club. ”I used to work here as a bouncer before… well we’ll talk about it.” He grabs a couple drinks from the back and lays it out for you.

Anonymous takes a deep breath, “I was here yesterday. It was my anniversary.”

Mickey sits on the other side of the table away from him, “Sure it was.” The two of them are getting old fast.

“Flash, how’d you know this Twilight girl?”

“Remember when I said I got married?”

“You didn’t…”

”Love works in mysterious ways, and now it’s separated us.” Conflicting thoughts of sadness and disgust tear you apart. He’s heartbroken, but he married a horse. This is a fucked up place.

Mous pulls out a bottle and downs a pill. “What’re those for?”

“Painkillers. It helps me get through the day.”

“Does it help a broken heart?”

”Sorry, Flash, no such luck.”

He lets out a groan and finishes off his drink, “I’m going home.”

“What? Where?”

“Twilight has a good life here, the last thing she needs is me cluttering it up. Erreda’s my only home now.” He gets up, “I know what you’re going to say, but Duff is right. I need to see it for myself.”

Mous shakes his hand, “Farewell.” He leaves the bar, giving Twilight one last look before exiting.

“Shit.” That leaves only five of you. Mous sits in silence.

“So how’d Pinkie react?”

”You know Pinkie…” He sips his beer and returns to silence.

”I thought you’d be happier to see other people,” Anonymous says, “We’re the first ones in a while for you right?”

”Men are a plague, a disease, parasites. I’ve buried my hatchet long ago.”

“Do you have that little faith in your own kind?”

“I know that when the chips were down I turned into a creature of greed and death. It’s the instincts of all men to act on self-interest.”

Mickey replies, “Certainly sounds like a relative of mind.”

“You bring him up one more time and I’m liable to take his side.”

“Thank you Anon,” Anonymous grins, turning to a frown when he eyes his brother. Even though both Light and Mickey spoke of how evil this guy was, you don’t get that vibe from him. He’s a good guy, you can tell. Duff sets his bottle down and heads on over.

“How’d it go?” Mous asks.

“Twilight’s a mare of science. She took it better than I expected.”

“So what now?”

”What do you mean?” he asks in return.

“What’s our next step to getting home?”

Mickey moans, “Again with this guy.”

“There is no way home, accept it. You’re stuck here,” Mous says.

”I know this is hard on you, more so than us. We’ve dealt with this before, unlike you,” Duff tries to comfort you.

“Then, what do I do?”

“You start a new life here with us. At least you’ll be around friends.”

“You aren’t my friends. My friends were supportive of me, you dash my hopes the second you can.”

This hits them right where it hurts. “We don’t want you to put your effort into a cause with no chance to succeed,” Mickey says.

Anonymous tries next, “I wanted to run back home too, but this place- it grows on you.”

“It’s a chance to start over,” Mous finishes up, “To become better.”

“I don’t want to start over. I want to go home.”

Mous loses his temper, “Then join the club. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and man the fuck up.” He snorts and chugs his drink, “Entitled piece of shit…”

He does well to kill the mood, the front door of the club opening. “Who the hell broke into my club?”

A white unicorn donned with a pair of purple tinted sunglasses walks inside with two other ponies at her side. Duff freezes, “Shit. I forgot about that.” He turns around, “Well hello, I take it you’re the infamous Vinyl Scratch that I’ve heard so much about.”

Her cheeks turn scarlet, “Why yes, yes I am.”

“My name is Duff. I apologize for dropping in like this, but I couldn’t wait-”

“To help yourself to my booze?”

Oh god this is terrible. “You see-“ Twilight steps in before he can dig himself any further. “These ‘men’ have different customs where they come from, apologies.”

“That’s abundantly clear.” She explains how this was a misunderstanding and that she’s taking care of them as of now. Vinyl wasn’t happy in the slightest, even when Anonymous had the coin to pay her back.

Thankfully Twilight disarmed the situation before things could get ugly, and then Twilight mentioned how we were in need of work. ”Really? I could use some muscle like them around actually.”

Duff speaks up, “It just so happens that I used to be a bouncer.”

”We’ll just have to see what you can do.”

”Sounds like a date.”

Vinyl and Duff are left to talk and Twilight moves over to the four of you. ”So what do you four do?”

None of you want to be the first to speak. Thankfully Anonymous breaks the ice. ”I’m a jack-of-all-trades kind of guy, but I do have a pretty good knowledge of Equestrian history and magical theory.”

”Really? And where’d you learn that?”

He rubs his hands nervously, “Well, you taught me.”

She looks impressed. “And how about you,” she asks his brother.

“Fighter. I help deal with problems.” She’s not so impressed there.

“Name’s Mous ma’am. Ex-adventurer. Not so good at labor, as you can see, but I’ve got more than enough experience through my travels.” That too brings a smile to her face. He seems to be a steady medium between the two.

”And what about you?”

Oh shit it’s your turn. “Area coordinator for a networking company.”

”And that is?”

“I oversee operations in a selected area and make sure people don’t fuck things up.”

She turns her nose up at your language, “Not one of the tamer ones I see.”

“I was abducted from my home and thrown into a land of talking horses, why should I be tame?”

“Because this ‘talking horse’ is trying to help you.”

She’s right and you know it. “I didn’t meant it like that. This is a lot to take in.”

”We know that feel,” they say.

”Don’t worry about it. I’ll try and figure something out for you all.”

Duff comes back, “Well I got myself a place to stay and a job. Hooah. How about you guys?”

“Nothing yet,” Mous replies looking to Twilight hopefully.

She’s quick to respond, “There’s a small house on-“

Duff cuts her off, ”The edge of town that’s vacant. Am I right?”

“And you’re going to talk with Mayor Mare and let us stay there?”

She shakes her head with a smile, “I’m going to hate you aren’t I?”

Mous picks up his cane, “Want me to smack’em for you?”

“That’s quite alright.” These guys seem to know the drill.

“So are we gonna check it out?”

~~~

Duff heads off with Vinyl, but promises to meet up with us later. On the way you decide that Mous should be the head of the house. He’s got age, experience and can break up a fight if the brothers get into it. They weren’t too happy to be sharing living quarters to say the least. Mickey can’t stand to be around Anonymous, and Anonymous doesn’t want Mickey to keep pestering. Maybe in another life he did something wrong, but you see the good guy before you.

Twilight unlocks the door and tells you to make yourself at home. Not long after she left did they begin to fight, Mous having to lay down the cane. You don’t blame them for stopping, that thing fucking hurts. Your side still aches from the swift smacks he gave to you.

It’s agreed that Mous gets the main bedroom while the rest of you split up the other rooms upstairs. You and Anonymous decide to share a room while Mickey can get a room to himself. He tried to intimidate his brother with a show of force, but it seems he can’t perform magic that well. Anonymous said it has something to do with a guy called Discord, but you didn’t pay that much attention.

Still, Mickey’s strong physically, but you and Anonymous are enough to stay his hand. You lounge about the rest of the day with Anonymous and Mous, passing the time with some stories. Mickey was busy working out, but you know he’s probably just sleeping. Mous turns out to be a nice enough guy aside from the whole, men are evil thing. With Duff, Mous and the others, you might be able to last long enough to find a way back. You just need to find one.

~~~

Meanwhile in the north… You pant and heave as you open your eyes. Teleportation isn’t basic level magic, and you had to pour most of your will in order to pull it off. Thankfully it seems to have paid off. You drag yourself through the tunnel and into the darkness. Hooves cling to your body as they help you along… Your family helping you.

You’re plopped at her feet, her presence intoxicating. “It’s good to see you again.”

She wraps her hooves around your head, “It’s alright Anon. You’re home now.”

“I swear, I won’t leave you again.”

Your body tingles at her touch, “Oh yes, I know. I know…”

Comments

[Chewed Pencil]

At least one of them is happy.... Nice job and all that, a little hard to follow sometimes, but enjoyable enough

[Aslatiel]

ermahgerd ermahgerd you don't know how excited I am to read this story. I have been waiting so long for this story! yayyayayyayyaayayya!