Chapter 3: Disfigure
After this, I will be re-editing my previous chapters to iron out as many flaws as I possibly can. Give it time. Till then enjoy this short chapter
"S-Sir? Are you ok?" A voice asked Ray.
Ray was still in a deep sleep, mumbling as he did.
"Sir?" The voice asked again., to Ray, the voice was more relaxing and timid then the other one.
I would wake up if I were you...
With that, Ray sat up in his bed, his eyes wide open, his body covered in sweat. He felt pain from his forehead, he looked ahead to see Fluttershy, on the floor, holding her hoof to her head. He must of hit her when he jolted up.
"Ohh, fuck" ray thought as he quickly moved to Fluttershy, still on the floor.
"Oh, man I am so sorry, Fluttershy, are you ok?" Ray asked.
""ow" was all Ray heard from Fluttershy, in a quite voice that was a whisper more then anything. "Man, second day in a new world, and iv already fucked up, what a way my life works." Ray thought to himself.
You did just hit her...
Only cause you scared the Holy Fuck out of me
Regardless, you hit her. Maybe you should help her...
Ray looked back to Fluttershy. She was crying. He always hated it when people cry, or Ponies in this case. He moved his hand over to Fluttershy, placing it on her shoulder. "I am so sorry, Fluttershy, I didn't mean to hit you" Ray said, as Fluttershy still cried.
"Huh, bad Déjà vu" Ray thought to himself, Although he didn't want to know why he did. He only wanted to focus on was trying to help the hurt Fluttershy. Even though he knew it wasn't his fault.
He tried to help the crying Pegasus, but she started to back away, going under the bed, hiding from him. he felt bad, even though he didn't intend for it, she was hiding from him like he murdered someone! Although this is the shyest person...err pony, he has ever seen.
"Damn it, now she's scared of me, what a great day" Ray thought to himself as he tried to coax Flutterhsy out from under the bed.
Well, when you hit a yellow pony with your head, you can expect your day to go to Hell...
Not a good time, Voice
Ahh, yes you go consult the crying Pony, I will wait right here....in you head...
Ray didn't respond,
"Fluttershy, please come out. I said I was sorry" Ray said to the cowering Fluttershy. She didn't say anything. Ray stood back and began pacing back and forth. "Ok, I have a crying Pegasus under a bed, im pacing back and forth like an idiot, and im trying to figure out what do while im pacing back and forth"
Ray thought to himself, wondering what he could do to calm Fluttershy. When a thought occurred to him. "Huh, never thought of doing...That.......especially after...." Ray's thoughts went blank off as he made his way into the living room.
"Now where did she say my bags were?" Ray said as he looked around the room.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Europa · 286k words · 366 23 · 7.5k views
- MintMetal · 5.1k words · 88 3 · 2.1k views
- Dawn Flower · 7k words · 59 1 · 3.1k views
- Flutterpriest · 29k words · 635 50 · 12k views
- CaleMcManus21 · 2.6k words · 56 2 · 4.7k views
- WIL_I_ZIN · 30k words · 1,480 55 · 20k views
- Chaotic Dreams · 13k words · 138 3 · 2.2k views
- Mr101 · 5.4k words · 283 25 · 4.2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.106 seconds
Total duration
593 users online
900,248 hits today, 2,159,462 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
1576275 Im also a little offended that by looking at the first chapter you automatically assume he will become friends with them. That is a little disapointing.
1576275 Im also a little offended that by looking at the first chapter you automatically assume he will become friends with them. That is a little disapointing
Alright well, firstly I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of this already but it bears repeating. Your formatting and punctuation is pretty far off here and there. Biggest problem being that you have multiple people talking at one time in the same paragraph and that is a very big black mark in writing. The story’s flow feels very disjointed, like you’re trying to tell us something as quickly as possible, you need to take your time and weave the narrative and give us detailed descriptions. Telling a story is more tell than show. Think about it like this, how would you describe something to someone who's never seen it before. Next up your concept; humans getting pulled into Equestria’s been done to death already, but what hasn’t, the trick is you need to find a fun way to approach it. Turning him into a pony however, also something that’s been overdone to death. Me personally, I’m not a fan in general of the concept, but like HiE it can be done well if you find a good way to play it. If you plan on doing this stuff, I highly recommend going back to the older chapters and fixing them as well to keep consistency.
Now, I just got to your latest chapter, I’m absolutely happy to see you’ve taken some of the criticisms and fixed your style up. Like I just said though, you need to go back and fix up the older ones to fix the flow.
1579994 i take the criticism and learn from it, learning from my mistakes.
1580120
Good, most people who write online usually don't.
1580721 Im not most people. I can tell you aren't either :)
1580729
Vor'e burc'ya
1580774 Huh, Deutsch. Cool
Google übersetzt. Ich kann nicht lecken der Deutsch sprechen.
Wenn ich zu beleidigen ich entschuldige mich exponentiell
1580799
Eh? Naw, that was Mando'a, don't speak a lick of Dutch.
1580804 Huh....Cool C;
1576291
One story is the best. It is not possible for there to be NO BEST, that kinda takes away the whole point of the "best" part and that part is kinda impotent.
1656074 Hmm, good point :/
1657793
I THINK DA BEST STORY IS MLD... Nahh, My Little Dashie Sucks.
1658117 O_O Really? I thought that was a great story, made me shed manly tears. :_:
1658130
I found it boring. LIKE YOUR MOM! No, my bro made me say that......
1658134 Im assuming your brother is under the age of 13?
1658147
10 :/
1658314 I assumed so
1658379
Adolescence, ignorance is bliss!
It doesn't take 9 weeks to rewrite 4 chapters dude!
HURRY UP!
1968654
Yeah.... thinking about cancelling it. Since after looking through ALOT of other stories, I was just heading towards cliche after cliche, so I will just think of something else. Sorry.
1969696
OH! That reminds me!
I still need to continue my story!
It's a story that is PURPOSEFULLY gonna be clichéd as buck!
1969759 *shrugs*