Ray was a....peculiar Human. He lived in a bad neighborhood, lived in a shitty apartment, lived around others that seemed completely miserable. The things he looked forward too most days, was drinking, and watching a show involving Ponies, and playing his guitar. He recently got fired from his job, causing him go into a state of sadness, but nothing more booze could fix.
After waking up from a hangover from Hell, he got dressed, checked to see if he had any mail, and got confronted by his landlord, who was wanting his rent money. After pushing the landlord to his limit with sarcastic insults, Ray was evicted. While packing his things in a rush, he noticed a glowing circular stone, lying on his desk. He picked it up to investigate, ignoring the landlord banging on his door. He was teleported to a strange land, after some investigating, he realized to his complete and utter shock that he was in Equestria!
But this Human is hiding somethings, what could they be?
Will he live in Equestria in peace? Or does something else have a different plan for him?
(Teen for Strong Language, Alcohol references, and Suggestive themes. Characters will be added as the story goes on)
[CURRENTLY ON HIATUS TO FIX MISTAKES AND REWRITTING]
Who ever guess the reference in the second chapter gets a cookie! :D
I'm sorry, but this story isn't the best. You have this plot that is very cliche. A person who is inexplicably transported to Equestria. That character goes on to be friends with the mane 6. It's just really over done. There are also spelling and grammar mistakes. Here's one that really bothers me: Whenever someone new talks, ALWAYS MAKE A NEW PARAGRAPH. Also, every time you start a new paragraph, indent. No exceptions for either of those.
1576275 this is your opinion and you are very well entitled to it. I respect everyone's opinion, even if it is against my own, I said in the first chapter this story is not the best, no story is.
This story is only in its baby stage, I plan to have it developed in a different way. im not going to force you to like my story, but once some newer chapters come out, give it another chance.
For those who are wondering, the story will be developed into two parts. when Ray is awake, and when he is dreaming. These parts of the story will be called Sequences.
This story, Green_Brony, needs a LOT of work.
1) The paragraphs. Oh god, the paragraphs. Why are there so many indents? Instead of using three or four (or however many) indents on your paragraphs, use one. ONE! That is all that's needed.
2) The idea. Human in Equestria. You haven't been here for very long, have you? This genre (yes, it is it's own genre) has been done to death. You're just beating a dead horse, making yet another one. The only way that this story will get halfway decent reviews is if it's a fucking PHENOMENAL Human in Equestria story. Anything else just doesn't make the cut. Sorry.
3) The plot. Guy has shitty life. Guy appears in Equestria. Shit happens. Really? That's the best you could do? I'm surprised he hasn't turned into a goddamn red and black alicorn by now. My point is, CLICHE STORY IS CLICHE.
4) Grammar, or lack of it. Please, for the love of Celestia, put this story into some sort of spell checker. Even the most basic one will tell you that there is a fuckton of things wrong with this story. From over comma usage, to improper capitalization, to just downright bad sentence structure, this story should be completely rewritten. Hopefully with a better plot.
Ugh. Well, there's my two cents. Take it or leave it, it's your choice.
On a different note, I hope you like trains.
-DivideByZero
1577311 Well, it is your opinion and you are entitled to it, but I did say that this IS my first story, so I know that it isn't gonna be without its faults. I'm going to have someone proof-read it and correct it.
On another note, I thank you for explaining why you didn't like it instead of just saying " o godz lol d1s is stupid ass fuk"
1577311 Huh, I just noticed you created one of the stories I favourites. Good job on that part! :D
Is your trainus prepared yet?
1578347 Trainus? Sorry, I do not know what the means :/
1576275 Im also a little offended that by looking at the first chapter you automatically assume he will become friends with them. That is a little disapointing.
1576275 Im also a little offended that by looking at the first chapter you automatically assume he will become friends with them. That is a little disapointing
Alright well, firstly I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of this already but it bears repeating. Your formatting and punctuation is pretty far off here and there. Biggest problem being that you have multiple people talking at one time in the same paragraph and that is a very big black mark in writing. The story’s flow feels very disjointed, like you’re trying to tell us something as quickly as possible, you need to take your time and weave the narrative and give us detailed descriptions. Telling a story is more tell than show. Think about it like this, how would you describe something to someone who's never seen it before. Next up your concept; humans getting pulled into Equestria’s been done to death already, but what hasn’t, the trick is you need to find a fun way to approach it. Turning him into a pony however, also something that’s been overdone to death. Me personally, I’m not a fan in general of the concept, but like HiE it can be done well if you find a good way to play it. If you plan on doing this stuff, I highly recommend going back to the older chapters and fixing them as well to keep consistency.
Now, I just got to your latest chapter, I’m absolutely happy to see you’ve taken some of the criticisms and fixed your style up. Like I just said though, you need to go back and fix up the older ones to fix the flow.
1579994 i take the criticism and learn from it, learning from my mistakes.
1580120
Good, most people who write online usually don't.
1580721 Im not most people. I can tell you aren't either :)
1580729
Vor'e burc'ya
1580774 Huh, Deutsch. Cool
Google übersetzt. Ich kann nicht lecken der Deutsch sprechen.
Wenn ich zu beleidigen ich entschuldige mich exponentiell
1580799
Eh? Naw, that was Mando'a, don't speak a lick of Dutch.
1580804 Huh....Cool C;
1576291
One story is the best. It is not possible for there to be NO BEST, that kinda takes away the whole point of the "best" part and that part is kinda impotent.
1656074 Hmm, good point :/
1657793
I THINK DA BEST STORY IS MLD... Nahh, My Little Dashie Sucks.
1658117 O_O Really? I thought that was a great story, made me shed manly tears. :_:
1658130
I found it boring. LIKE YOUR MOM! No, my bro made me say that......
1658134 Im assuming your brother is under the age of 13?
1658147
10 :/
1658314 I assumed so
1658379
Adolescence, ignorance is bliss!
It doesn't take 9 weeks to rewrite 4 chapters dude!
HURRY UP!
1968654
Yeah.... thinking about cancelling it. Since after looking through ALOT of other stories, I was just heading towards cliche after cliche, so I will just think of something else. Sorry.
1969696
OH! That reminds me!
I still need to continue my story!
It's a story that is PURPOSEFULLY gonna be clichéd as buck!
1969759 *shrugs*