Aquila turns as he hears the voice, "Quello che il..."
"Do you have a name? Or am I going to have to give you one?" the robed stranger says.
Aquila replies having a heavy Italian accent, "An English man? Huh. My name is Aquila Cuore from the assassin brotherhood."
Redik chuckles, thinking little of Aquila's group, "Redik Dheavan, best wizard to ever live. I was once part of a Templar ord-"
Aquila quickly flies to him, using this sort of lack of gravity, but it was different. They still have their free movement. He grabs Redik by the robe to bring them face to face. "Templar?! Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right now!"
Redik actually grows a look of worry by this, "Why would you want to kill me?! I'm just an apprentice wizard!"
Aquila lets him go, "Wizard? Then maybe you actually know why we are here... regardless of being Templar trash."
Redik rubs the back of his neck, showing that he was rather nervous. "Uhhhh, actually, no I don't...."
Aquila heavily sighs, "Great, now we are lost in some empty space with no where to go."
Redik crosses his arms as he thinks, "Well duh, perhaps I can get us out of here." He begins to conjure the magical energy from his hands, but it fizzles quickly. "Damn it! I can't teleport us anywhere, because I don't know where we are!".
Aquila sighs, "Well I'd rather be anywhere than here, being stuck here with you for an eternity can drive a man mad." Suddenly, as soon he says the phrase, Anywhere than here.. A portal opens in front of them, revealing a very cartoon-ish looking town.
Redik laughs, "How convenient!" He then rushes through the portal.
Aquila sighs and does the same, but this time, feet first instead of doing what Redik did and going head first. That was just stupid of him.
Redik finds himself falling face first into what appears to be the town square of the resident village they find themselves in. "Son of a bitch! That hurt."
Shortly after he says that Aquila comes in landing with a thud on his feet, but what he does next is unexpected, he doesn't move and his mouth is agape.
Redik stands up and looks around, "Holy shit!"
They find themselves with what appears to be colorful equines staring at them, some whispering to each other they even hear a few "What are those?!"s around them.
Aquila quickly grabs Redik and pulls him into a nearby alleyway away from the creatures.
Redik catches his breath once they stop after a few minutes of running. They find themselves in a new dark alleyway so they can take a breath and recollect their thoughts.
Redik then begins to freak out and yell, "WHAT. THE. HELL. ARE. THOSE?!!!!!!!!!"
Aquila slaps him in the face before he could continue. "Calm down! I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for this."
Suddenly a cyan colored one with a rainbow mane and tail appears and announces. "There they are!"
Aquila looks up "Merda!"(Shit!) he then grabs Redik and begins to run. "Split up! Meet near that forest in the distance!" Aquila says to Redik, he let go and Redik went his own way.
The equine decides to follow the white robed one. Flying at a very fast speed toward him.
Aquila ran, and surprises the equine by suddenly leaping onto the wall and scaling it at a incredible speed grabbing onto any ledge, crack, or hole he could to bring himself up. He reaches the top and lept from building to building with the rainbow equine following quickly behind him.
Eventually once they reach the end of the buildings, the rainbow colored pony finally manages to tackle Aquila, causing them to fall off the edge, they both land on the ground with a loud thump.
Aquila broke from the grasp of the equine, just as they land, he rolls away and shows his two hidden blades and remains in his battle stance. "Come on! Let us be done with this!" Aquila yells, no fear in his voice as he yelled it at the rainbow pony.
Suddenly the equine...SPOKE?!!! "What?! No no I just want to talk to you!"
Aquila had to take a doubletake on that one. "COSA. IL. VAFFANCULO!"(WHAT! THE! FUCK!) He retracts the blades and stands straight.
The rainbow pony gets a bit closer. "Um...do you have a name?" Aquila sighs, "An Inglese(English) speaker....interesting. I am Aquila Cuore. Apparently since you can talk, do you have one as well?"
The pony nods. "Rainbow Dash! Best flier in all of Equestria!"
Aquila raises an eyebrow (like anyone could see it) "Equestria? What country is that located in?"
Rainbow Dash got a inquisitive look on her face. "Country? No no, Equestria is the world!"
Aquila then takes a step back. "... sono morto e andato all'inferno ..." (...I've died and gone to hell...).
Rainbow tilts her head. "What?"
Aquila shook his head. "Nothi-"
Suddenly, Redik comes rushing to Aquila "Don't worry i'll save your sorry ass!" He then begins to conjure up a lightning spell, he sends it forward to Rainbow.
Before it hits her, Aquila spins around extending one of his hidden blades and absorbing the lightning, the electricity doing nothing due to the rubber in the gloves. Aquila made a lucky guess on that one. Aquila returns to his normal stance with his blades retracted "Redik! This equine is friendly, this is all just a misunderstanding. Her name is Rainbow Dash."
Redik puts his hands down, and walks up to Aquila and bro-punches him in the arm. "Well your lucky i decided to hold back my awesomeness."
Aquila sighs at that remark. "Chiudere"(Shut up)
Redik raises an eyebrow, "What did you say about my mom?!"
Aquila chuckles and ignores him. "Rainbow Dash, do you know anywhere that we could find shelter?"
She pauses to think. "Oh! I know, my friend Twilight would love to meet you and i'm sure she'd let you stay at the library."
Aquila nods, "Lead on miss Rainbow Dash." She then began to lead them to the library, Redik following along.
As she leads them through the town, they were getting awkward stares from all the residents, thank the holy man in the sky the library was close.
As they arrived to the library in the tree. Aquila looks up at it. "... mio dio ... (...my god....) amazing architecture. "
Rainbow Dash just looks at him strangely "Ummm ok."
Redik laughs at Aquila and says, "So what? its just a building in a tree. ha ha!"
Rainbow walks up to the door and knocked on it with her hoof. They then heard a childlike voice.
Redik looks away for a moment to see the other ponies. Then a small dragon opens the door and when he looks back, he jumps back and falls on his ass in the process he yells "WHAT THE FUCK?! A dragon! OW! Damn it! My ass!" He then stands back up and Rainbow was laughing really hard at him and Aquila just sighs.
Rainbow then says, "This is Spike, he is a baby dragon."
Aquila nodded, "I am Aquila Cuore, excuse my friend, he is a dunce."
Redik interjected, "And your an old ass!"
Aquila ignored the old remark and said, "Yes we've come to see one named Twilight."
Spike just said, "Yeah yeah, this day just keeps getting weirder. I'll go get her."
He then left the door and they could hear. "Hey Twilight, we got rainbow dash and two ponies from crazy-town here dressed in strange robes!"
They then hear the sounds of running and spike being thrown out of the way. Then a purple pony with a purple mane with reddish-pink strips on it arrives at the door.
"Woah...." Aquila says with his hands in front of him taking a step back, "May we enter?"
Rainbow gave her a nod saying it was ok and Twilight nodded to them, opening the door and moving out of the way.
Aquila ducks his head under the low door, it not being meant for beings as tall as they are.
Redik shortly after, bumps his head on the the top of the doorway. "Motherfu-!"
Aquila puts his hand on Redik's mouth before he could finish. They walk in and Twilight says, "Oh i have so many questions! Sit, sit!"
Aquila did so and sat in the rather small chair and Redik sat on a couch that had been placed in the room.
Once they all got comfterble. Twilight starts to bombard them with questions. "Omigosh! What are you?! Where are you from?! Whats that your wearing?! How did you get here?! Wha-"
Aquila says, "Calm down. Ask one at a time and perhaps you will get a answer."
Twilight sighs in slight frustration, "Fine. What are you?"
Redik says before Aquila can reply, "Screw this! This is boring!" He then got up and began to look through the books.
Aquila sighs at Redik's short attention span, "We are gli esseri umani, humans."
Twilight tilts her head. "Humans? I think I've heard of those before in old tombs." Aquila then nods telling her she may continue.
Twilight then asks her next question. "Where are you from?"
Aquila chuckled at these simple questions, "Earth, home to many more humans and many types of animals."
Twilight used her magic to bring a note book and pencil, she began to write down notes.
This magic makes Aquila raise a brow in curiosity. "Are you some sort of magician?" He has never been one to like what he calls 'dark arts'.
Twilight looks up for a moment with a 'what are you talking about?' face. "What? No, I'm a unicorn we can preform magic to what fits out special talent best."
Aquila nods, "Interesting, my friend here can do the same thing, but he is absolute merda (shit) at it."
Redik looks back "Hey! I figured out what that means you cranky old bastard!" He then returns to searching the books.
Aquila sighs at the bad insult.
Twilight then asks, "What is that your wearing? Why hide your face?" Aquila replies, "I am a Assassin, i kill those who hurt good people. This robe helps to conceal my identity and weapons."
Twilight then gets wide eyed, "An Assassin?!!!"
Aquila begins to chuckle at the overreaction, "Don't worry, I'm a friendly."
Twilight lets out a sigh with relief, before she could continue Rainbow interjects. "Woah! Your an Assassin?! That's so cool what kind of weapons do you use?!"
Aquila then stands up and lets loose his two hidden blades, Rainbow looks at them in amazement, "Woah!!!"
He puts them back and sits back down in his small seat. "I lost the rest of my weapons when i came here. Before you ask i will explain, after a long day of hell. I won't go into details. I found myself in a endless void, Redik appeared there too, we argued a bit but after i said the phrase 'anywhere but here' a portal had opened leading to here, Rainbow knows the rest."
Twilight nodded, "Do you need a place to stay? I have a guest room up stairs you can use."
Aquila nods and thanks her. "Redik can take the room, I shall be sleeping within the branches of the tree, don't ask why, I just like the solitude."
Twilight nods.
Redik says, "Ha! Dumb ass. I get the nice cozy room while your out in the rain!" He then ran up stairs and somehow knew where the room was and he rushes inside.
Aquila stands up, "It is getting late and I am going to rest, i will see you all in the morning so you can answer my questions. Addio per ora.(Goodbye for now.)."
Twilight replies. "Okay then, goodnight. Rainbow you should probably get home too."
Rainbow nods and says her goodbyes to Aquila and Twilight and she leaves.
Aquila then heads up the stairs and hops out the nearest window, climbs the tree until he finds a good spot, and lays within the branches and begins to think about his time here. After a while, he finally drifts to sleep.
So...Magic The Gathering+Assassin's Creed+MLP?
YES
there is only one big mistake with your fic.... it's written Planeswalker, not Plainswalker
>>BraveHeartBrony Thx for the tip bro.
Fix'd
Sir, I would highly recommend that whenever a new individual speaks that they get their own separate paragraph.
Example:
Aquila sighs, "Well I'd rather be anywhere than here, being stuck here with you for an eternity can drive a man mad." Suddenly as he says the phrase, 'Anywhere but here', a portal opened in front of them, revealing a very cartoon-ish looking town.
Redik laughs, "How conveiniant!" He then rushes through the portal. Aquila sighing and doing the same. Redik finds himself falling face first into what appears to be the town square. "Son of a bitch! That hurt"
...Basically like that. Also, there are several spelling errors I can detect. And, you seem to switch between past, present, and future tense. Please choose one.
All in all, this is alright, and I'll watch to see where this will go. Expect an in-depth review when you accumulate more chapters.
751240 Can't wait
I love it when people take the time to tell what they think
751260
You know, I might be able to function as your pre-reader if you wish. Granted I don't have much to do this summer except work on my own HiE, so I could easily help you edit/write/think of ideas.
Not the best, but better than nothing I suppose. Your call mate.
Damn... This story is AWESOME!(Tracked/Favorited)
Cool story bro. Tracking
Redik the lovable dumbass and an old, probably master assassin. I like it but I feel as if somthing is off... I can't quite put my hoof on it though so I can't really point it out. Oh well, tracking this.
1.chapter: mmh yes solid story sounds good
2.chapter: OK .... the wizard has a little bit to much of an modern teen (Dominaria has never developt such idiots) and the chapter is far to short for such devastating events for Redik.
3.chapter: they are now in equestria ok but the story is now completely off sorry but revise this chapter it is horrible. like the hi i am rainbow dash you are fleeing from me but i tackle you down oh yes the Wizard comes in this moment and fires a lighting spell, really dude? think about a lightning. They are really fast you cant react fast enough to trow a blade in its way to intercept it.
like i said PLEASE rewrite the chapter one more time to improve them
752010
Thanks for the constructive criticism, we will take in consideration chapters 3 rewrite most likely.
Also hope you are enjoying the story anyway.
Thank you for getting me all these new Italian swear words! :3
752937 your welcome
So much win I derped and got stuck
752957>>753216 lol seriously? YOU DERPED XD lol anyway i think its a good fic, ill ask some of my friends to have a look at it, get judgement from others... maybe poultron might wanna look... idk... have to see... anyway looks good atm keep up the good work bud
753278
derped at how awesome it was. you can do that. sorta like exploding twice.
753333nope... i've died before... but not derped via explosion... i dont know anything about that... meh, still think its good, also whens the next chapter coming out?
753336 Soon(tm)
753346 very nice... very nice... *strokes a cat* the heck did this cat app... PINKIE IS WATCHING ME AGAIN!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
This is going to be epic
Wow dude, the enter key is your friend! Use it! A lot!
Seriously though, your story needs a thorough... cleansing, for lack of a better word. get someone to go over it, and correct speech sections. Just fix those up and the story will be a lot easier to read.
-Jorofrarie
I like where this is Goooooooooooooooing
Lol Dimensional Creed: Equestria
Story.... to fast..... sorry but im done here this story moves to fast for my taste.
Seems rushed to me... And the gathering dude is a bit of a MAJOOOOOOR arse.
yeah this is way too rushed to be sensible. The ponies seem way too accepting. Too fast for my taste
I'm agreeing with some people have said before too rushed equals poorly written I'm out
Okay I think we're missing some introductions cause those two are acting like they actually know each other when they've only spent few minutes together. Maybe let them talk to each other a little more when they were floating in the void.
There's more and I'll gladly tell you when I can figure out how to say it.
So... you are unconcious for an unknown amount of time...
You are waken up by some stranger who asks about your identity,
And you say...
"I am *insert name* of the asassin brotherhood."
...
...
...
Lol
I like the story so far... BUT
I just cringe whenever you fail to capitalize an I. It may not seem like much, but somehow it really bothers me in a fundamental level. Maybe because it reminds me of the youtube comment section *shudders*.
And yeah. Like the others said, it feels a bit... rushed.
EDIT: Just realized that you added in the author's note that this chapter is being edited. Feel free to ignore me in that case!