Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Twlight's Kingdom
Dear Meghan,
You are such a filthy liar.
That's why I love you. I knew you wouldn't let me down.
Sincerely,
Flash Sentry
Dear Princess Celestia,
So... You kinda just wear your crown to bed? You don't think that's a little weird?
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight
Dear Princess Twilight,
Let me see if I can recall the last time you didn't wear your crown to bed.
Oh, right... That.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear Discord,
Give me back by scooter. Now. I'd hate to have to sic some pets on you.
Sincerely,
Blythe Baxter
“I can't believe this. This is fucking horseshit. We're supposed to be Celestia's lackeys for when she can't take care of something herself. Now she's sending Discord?” Twilight complained as they approached the Castle of the Two Sisters.
“Well, maybe the Hornjob Rapist is a bigger threat than we realize.”
“Or she doesn't want me getting any. Fucking bitch. Now Discord gets all the action.”
“Oh Twilight, little do you know I don't need anything on the side. I'm already getting plenty.”
They looked up to see Discord descend from the sky above with an umbrella.
“Fuck off, Discord. Don't you have some of my glory to steal?”
“Why yes. I've actually been reviewing the final draft of my plan of action right now.” Discord claimed, snapping his fingers, making a stack of papers materialize out of thin air.
Twilight was having none of it.
“Fuck it. I'm sure this final draft sucks.”
“Oh, I'm not so sure about that. I've been working on it since April.”
“Then April sucks too.”
Discord bent down and embraced them all, winking them down to the Tree of Harmony.
“Oh come now. You guys actually get to take it easy for a bit. Maybe you can figure out a way to open this chest that's been neglected for so long. Well, anyways, good luck. I'm off to deal with Tirek, and then I have to return this scooter. Belongs to some girl in Downtown City.”
Dear Ponyville,
Don't worry. We're alive.
We were in the Love Cave when the library blew up. Not a scratch on us.
Sincerely,
Chysalis and Flufflepuff
Dear Rainbow Dash,
Congratulations. You're the new me.
Sincerely,
Freakazoid
Dear Rarity,
I've already got the twin tails thing down. Get your own thing. Maybe you could try, oh I don't know, being generous more often.
Sincerely,
Miles 'Tails' Prower
Dear Twilight,
So let me get this straight. JUST to make sure I'm understanding this correctly.
You had my alicorn magic; the ability to make anypony fall in love... And you still didn't get any?
I'm not sure if you're expecting a magical floating cock to just follow you around everywhere someday, but you are seriously, no, hilariously, pathetic. At least put some fucking effort into it.
Sincerely,
Princess Cadance
Dear Cerberus,
You fuck up again, and we're taking a trip to the vet. Are we not clear?
Sincerely,
Princess Luna
Dear Discord,
For betraying us, and making me cry, you are sleeping on the couch until further notice.
Leave the toys on the night stand.
Sincerely,
Fluttershy
Dear Canterlot Flourists,
Yes, I'd like to order a bouquet.
Sincerely,
Discord
Dear Princess Celestia,
Well, maybe things have a way of evening themselves out after all. When the library got blown to smithereens, we thought we were home free. But when we saw that fucking castle come up out of the ground, we were all prepared to pack our things and move away.
But then we saw the thrones. It just goes to prove a valuable life lesson.
If you know a bigoted bitch with some power and influence, do everything in your power to tolerate them. You may end up sharing some of that power.
We can't help but wonder if that's what Cadance and Luna did with you.
Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Spike
I have to admit, I did not notice Celestia wearing her crown to bed.
Thank you so much for the Freakazoid reference. I was hoping I wasn't the only one to catch that.
Another season of letters behind us. Great job.
See you when season five comes out.
Words to live by.
I love you so fucking much, Miles.
I gotta say, all those were funny, but Cadance's was definitely the funniest (I was actually wondering why her magic was never used on its own).
Also, now it's confirmed that something is up with Luna's flank (burn, tattoo, or just a convenient patch of dark fur)
Wait. I just realized something. Tirek destroyed the library. Only Twilight and Owlious (Don`t know how to spell his name, sorry) made it out. Spike was not there. That means PeeWee blew up.
Wow, Hasbro.
To be fair, Twilight was having control problems. If she tried a love spell, she'd probably end up flash-frying the target's brain.
In any case, a masterful capstone to the season. Well done!
Also:
Dear Tirek,
Ha! That's what you get for giving away my favorite necklace, bitch. I told you I'd get you back for eating the last Oreo.
Suck it,
Scorpan
4368214
Why do you think she liked Pipsqueak so much?
Great letter to end season 4. Also thanks for pointing out more references I missed. Guess I will have to watch the season finale again sometime!
Loved the letter from the others at the end!
Still though... "Booo..." (My thoughts on having Flash Sentry still around and in the show...) If they are going to keep him around they could at least do something that makes him more than just a reminder of the painfully cliche heavy cool guy in high school.
Dear Gaben
Your fuckinf crates. They have castles inside now? What happened to hats?
Sincerely
The entire population of Ponyville
4368224
Nah - Peewee was returned to his parents. You could see photos of him being reunited with them in a scrap book of Spike's in one episode (don't remember which one though).
Lol freakazoid rocks
We are gathered today to mourn the loss of Twilight Sparkle's library who died on this day the 10th of May 2014! Twilight's library was named Golden Oaks and was... a great home for our Princess and her friends and a haven full of knowledge and books! Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, tree sap to tree sap, roots to roots and bark to bark! We salute your courage and we shall mourn you till the next season comes! A moment of silence... Amen!
4368191 I get the feeling it'll be much sooner then that.
Most excellent.
So does Spike get to be the new Rainbow Dash again?
Dear Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack and
SpikeFax Machine:You got off lucky. We had to suffer under Celestia's rule for centuries before we could have our own thrones.
Your heavily-resentful princesses, Luna and Cadance.
Dear Fax Machine:
Don't think that just because you can sit with us you're our equal. I'm still going to use your useless scaly ass to send my mail.
Your eternal ruler, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Princess Cadance:
As I now have my own castle, I am now entitled to a couple of
new sex slavesguards to protect it. You may start by sending over that sexy Pegasus Flash.Your favorite sister-in-law, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Princess Twilight:
You're my only sister-in-law. And Celestia has already claimed Flash Sentry for herself. Get your own guard.
Your least-favorite sister-in-law, Princess Cadance.
This may sound stupid.
But am I the only one who didn't want Twilight to get that castle?
I kind of wanted to see her rebuilding the library and enhancing it, and getting a speech that it's her castle instead.
4368597
That castle, and indeed, the entire show, exists To Sell Toys.
So hold on... If they played musical chairs in that room, wouldn't it be...
A 'game of thrones'?
No?
No?
... I'll just let myself out
BEST FINALE AND FINALE PARODY EVER..............
I was waiting for Meghan to show up with 3D Maneuver Gear from Attack on Titan and tell Tirek, "Hey, it's been 28 years. I'm gonna make sure you're dead this time..."
at least Rainbow looked good doing the Freakazoid bit
Dear Twilight Sparkle horse
Sincerely, the prince of all sayains Vegeta, and Nappa
I deem this hilariously accurate, alongside the fact the finale was GLORIOUS.
This... this part...
4368597
I was expecting the Everfree Castle to become hers. I was so fucking disappointed, this new piece of shit faux tree is such an eyesore.
(It's made of CRYSSSSSSTALLLLLLSSSSSSSS!)
c3e308.medialib.glogster.com/celebilover/media/dd/dd090b7651155012a9181795e73a596363c870cb/do-the-crystal.gif
Dear Ponyville,
I was inside the F*beep*ING library when the place was blowed up.
Kiss my hairy butt,
Dan.
I still feel sad about the library tree. The castle looks like a reject design for the Crystal Empire. I HOPE the library gets rebuilt, but the finale was EPIC. (and the letter from Blythe was hilarious)
4369925 Oh. I don`t think I watched that episode. Odd, I swear I watched it.
4368903 XD Phahah
Dear Princess Luna:
Bark bark, woof, bark bark, grr bark bark woof bark.
Bark bark bark woof, bark. Bark bark bark.
Woof, bark bark woof, grrr, woof.
Signed, Cerberus.
Dictation by Rover.
PS: Bark woof woof.
Dear Princess Sparkle
I know a couple of techniques in which you could be interested.
Kaio-sama.
During Pinkie's transformation, I had a flashback to Sailor Moon and thought they were about to mimic it....
4370002 You may have missed it, as it is only shown in a series of photographs at the very beginning of the episode. Kinda underwhelming, if you ask me.
4368158
Indeed, it shows that not even Discord is invincible, it gave us a villain that absorbs magic, absorbed the magic of 4 alicorns at once and a lot more, tricked Discord into joining him and looks badass and isn't simply a rehash of G1 Tirek.
4370086
Fluttershy: It reads:
Back off bitch, I needed a break.
I was stuck in a dank and literal hellhole for over a thousand years with only those assholes to keep me company, actually doing my job.
Remind me again what you spent the last thousand years doing?
PS: I keep untold horrors in line, don't think a temper tantrum throwing brat scares me.
Okay, that last letter... that was hilarious.
And I'm glad I'm not alone in noticing that Celestia wearing jewelry to bed was weird.
My favorite part.
best season finale yet imo though i have to wonder, with tirek (one of the biggest baddest villains of the whole franchise) once again banished to tartarus, who will the next big villain be and will he/she/it be even stronger and/or worse than tirek?
the combined magic of 4 alicorns and you couldn't do squat to that centaur, that is quite the pathetic display twilight. hmmm...wonder how big and powerful he would've been had he somehow absorbed the elements powers as well lol
wait, tirek was a centaur, right? i mean, it looked like he had bull horns on his head and i don't really remember seeing any centaur like that before.
4368180
I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking that.
4368721
Poor Twily is so sexually frustrated that she actually wants to be the errand pony for Bitchlestia.
KBO.
I guess I'll have to be the guy to say it. The final draft and April do indeed both suck.
FNALLY SOMEONE SAW THE TAILS THING ON RARITY!!!!
4376776 Indeed.
I expected something along the lines of a letter to Twilight concerning her going all Dragon Ball Z on Tirek.
Maybe something referencing how ponies already have anime eyes, and don't need to take Dragon Ball from the Japanese people as well.
Now we need to wait nine months till the next chapter
...... I'm not kidding :(
4377693 How long have you been here? I do Anniversary Bonus Chapters (coming in June) and I frequently parody and ponify real world events during the hiatus. It won't be nine months.
I'm somewhat surprised I didn't see Fluttershy chewing Discord out for giving flowers to Celestia. Oh well, he's already on the couch.