- Member Since 1st Mar, 2012
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
Fusion Fool the 3rd
The self-appointed leader of the Twilight Sparkle Fan Club - Netherworld Branch (Please don't tell Titania, dood)
Fusion Fool the 3rd
Joined 1st Mar, 2012 ·
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"Warning: contains sex, and futa, dood."
Well, shit. Now I have to read this.
Not great, but not terrible, and I think if you went back and cleaned up the drunken typos and grammar it could be pretty good. And you're right, the Internet needs more FutaTwi.
If this was an experiment to see if it's worth your while to write more clop, I think the experiment should be repeated while sober.
I give it 3/5 moustaches.
Dood, this is on my Read later list. Not long but not short either dood.
447695 I have a strange fetish, dood.
447714 Alright, thank you for the critism, dood.
447778 Read at your leisure, dood. I just hope someone thinks it's not horribad.
images.encyclopediadramatica.se/thumb/5/57/YesJackNicholson.gif/200px-YesJackNicholson.gif
Wait a minute... YOU'RE NOT A PRINNY! You are to say dood at the end of EVERY line! Not every OTHER. Ever...single...line.
Dood, I just got mindfucked. Who knew you're Lyra was the... aggressive type dood. The only bad thing about this dood is the fact that its somewhat rushed. And maybe some spacing of dialogue dood. Also dood, what would happen if the other Lyra (in your Welcome to Equstria) finds out about human souls dood? Will she like... experiment on them with magic?! Dood... we are so going back to the netherworld if that happens dood... Unless the Ponyville hospital somehow has some kinda magic thing (or other places) that puts us back together dood.
Tri colored (red, yellow and green) prinnie Refferee out.
Dood.
449865 I wish I knew what that ment, dood.
Then again, I dunno if I will add Lyra in the story.
450423 I think my constant 'dood' typing in a story that has nothing to do with prinnies or disgaea for that matter may have ruined this story more then it's suppose to. plus I made a warning about it, dood.
451305 I have a bad habit of doing that, I gotta pace myself, dood. As for Lyra's appearance in my 'Welcome to Equestria, dood' We are pretty much screwed cause we'll be sent back to hades or worse, dood....Master Etna.
452019 it meant ME GUSTA
452019 Er...nevermind.
452664 The Pic i posted for the story was pretty much me when i submitted it, dood.
452871 Don't worry about it, dood, Valvatorez found out, and I'm lv. 1 again, dood.
MOAR please.
502530
I agree, definitely more, there is hardly any type of futa clop fiction available on the net.
453274
This is a much better intro than your previous one. You give yourself too little credit. I can't wait to see the revised chapters, as well as the Luna chapter.
Doesn't bug me about th lack of sex. If anything you could just put a continuation of the chapter next or not. Doesn't matter to me I just like reading doesn't matter if its a book, fan-fic or in the case of this story clop-fic. As long as its a good story I will read it.
1363631 yea, I evidently made the Daring DO chapter stupid huge so the proofreader split it in two...now I am waiting for him to finish...cause I fail at reading the note about him being back from Japan a week ago...I'll have to contact him and ask if he'll be done part 2...then find someone to proof-read the SPitfire and Trixie chapters, dood.
1365482 Why would he split it in half? This might just be the bookworm in me talking but I see no problem with a long chapter. Hek with me it would likely only take five minutes to read all of it. Courser when you've read books for 10 or so years you tend to be faster than most.
1368620 I dunno, dood. It probably because he only did that much before he had to go overseas and asked if I wanted it cause it can stand by itself as a chapter...I said okay, dood.
1368669 Makes sense.
1365482
If you're looking for a proof-reader and editor, I can help you there. I've done editing and proofing for a few clop writers and would be glad to offer my services in those areas to you.
If you're interested, just zip me a PM and we'll work out the details.
Pretty big reason to be worried right there.
1420954 I think Twilight is too tightly wound up to be a mother/father, dood. and if she was sterile, Lyra would be pregnant with what would probably be Twilight's 5th foal.
And who says you can't use magic to make Twilight sterile, dood?
1421562
Sterile: incapable of producing offspring.
Fertile: capable of producing offspring,
1421589 HOLY SHIT I AM SLOW, DOOD.....thanks for catching that.
EDIT: The change was made, dood. I am so ashamed. I read it as Twilight can't be a daddy, and then it clicked and I went "Oh crap. dood."
Wow, that was rather embarrassing, dood.
1421605
See, this is what happens when you don't send the story back to me for a second review after the first round of changes are made
1422419 Aww man, I feel bad now. it was all minor stuff too, thought I could get away with it, dood.
I cleaneded up some mess in the Trixie chapter and the brand new Luna chapter. Mostly past tense shit that I evidently failed at and stuff that made me literally say out loud "What the fuck did I right, dood?" So it should look a little bit cleaner for proof-readers, Luna chapter still isn't done though, like 1.7k words, dood.
REALLY SORRY FOR MAKING THIS LATE, DOOD.
Evidently I have this on Password only for a Proof-reader, dood.
Hopefully when he is done, I'll have this story back up and running with a good Trixie chapter attached to it, dood.
twilight was rainbow dashes first?
1617791 I'm rather certain the story mentions that she did stuff with AJ and Pinkie, but Twilight busted her cherry, dood.
I'm almost certain I threw that in the story, I'll have to check, dood.
Edit: You double commented me, dood! You got me so bad, dood. I oughta watch what I am doing now, dood.
1617820 Yeah that's what i meant that Twi' was Dashie's first "Stallion"
1634919 Is it too late to say "I never said I was clever or smart, dood"?
This is an interesting story, and I love the premise behind it. Your editors are to be commended for this last chapter, there was hardly any tense changes among the verbs this time around. You really ought to have someone look at the first couple of chapters though. The grammar and misused words there almost ran me off. It was only because I noticed that you're the author that I stuck around.
All in all, a good effort. Keep it up, please.
1745806 Thanx, dood. Kinda wish I can release more but...I want the chapters to be read-able.
not sure if gusta.
1911339 When I first wrote this...I was in the same boat as you...now I'm in the state where "I don't care, but happy that there are people that like it".
Hope you enjoyed the story as it is and not as a blemish on MLP fandom, dood.
1921067 So based on my limited smarts, I am assuming that the whole "Meta" thing comes from the whole "Daring is a fictional Character" ploy I have been using....It's fine, I know how to explain why...I just don't know how to put it into words.
I am glad you enjoy it...and
Please don't take this badly, or misunderstand what I'm about to say. What I'm telling you here is in the hopes of helping you.
You slipped back a little this chapter. Okay, you slipped a lot this chapter. Tense changes, improper word usage, and in one paragraph alone, I counted no less than five uses of Twilight's name, none of them in dialogue. I apologize in advance to your people, but your current crew just isn't cutting it. If you need additional proofreaders, try the Proofreaders and People Willing to Proofread group.I've never used them, but they have over 900 members, so there may be someone there willing to take on your case. Seriously, you have some good potential with this story, but... yanno.
Also, you may be right to be concerned about the rant. It just doesn't read like something Twilight would say. It's very condescending to Trixie, and while it simply lays out the facts, it's not self deprecating enough for Twilight. Adding something like "Now, I'm not saying that I'm a better pony than you, but-" or "It took a lot of hard work and study to get where I am today" or even, "If you really want to improve, let me introduce you to some great teachers". What you have written here almost reads like someone else speaking for Twilight. It could do with a little tweaking is what I'm saying. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png
Other than that, it's a pretty solid chapter.
2092293 I knew it, dood.
I have always asked for assistance from the "Proof-reader's group" and I asked him his thoughts on stuff like the Trixie rant I did and I think he misunderstood me but he pretty much told me "it's fine" but again...he misunderstood me, dood.
I also use random people that are available so there is no rhyme or reason to my proof-readers.
Yea...I probably will either change that or get rid of it entirely...later next week, dood.
Thanks for the heads up, dood.
2092293 Now that I think about it better....I know why I did the rant like that.....I was STUPID pissed off at Trixie for some reason...might have been a fanfic or fanart I read/saw that caused it...but at the time I wrote it, it was about the time I said "screw Trixie" and I now have a great dislike to her.
No need to get rid of it entirely. It fits into your story, and is something that your Trixie needs to hear. A little tweaking, some softening of the language, and adding some "Twilightisms" would be all you need to do to it. It's a shame that someone made you dislike Trixie like that. She's really not that bad once you start writing her; at least, that's what I've found.
It's a shame that the proofreaders group flaked out on you like that. Weird that they would let all the grammatical errors pass if that's what they're supposed to be doing. There is probably one question you should ask any proofreader you use, and that is "what were your grades in English class?". If they didn't have at least a B average, I wouldn't use them. Another place you could turn to for proofreading is friends and family. Ask for them for a critique, and see what they say. Ask them what they thought of it, was it legible, were the ponies in character, etc. Unless you're like me, and have no one in real life you can show these stories to (whether through shame of what goes on in the story, or just shame of the fact that you're writing about ponies), you can get some helpful input from the people around you.
2093182 Thanks, dood.
I am actually tweaking the Trixie chapter as we speak and trying to get another guy to look at it, it was probably that the guy I asked to proof-read it before was new to proof-reading so I think all he did was fixing grammar issues and such.
I would ask my family for help....if they knew I was writting pony clop...or if they knew I was a brony at all, dood. (I'd rather stay in my closet where the monsters can't get me, dood.)
I'm in the same closet, dood. If you met my friends, you'd know why.
It's funny. The quality of the chapters seems to vary in threes. The first of the three is the worst, but the second is better, and by the third, it reaches a pinnacle. These last three chapters are the same. This last one was the best yet, I especially liked how tender Twilight was with Rarity. Very sweet. Then again, Rarilight is like, #6 in my top 10 OTPs for Twilight.
2095203 So basically, the newest three chapters were no where near as good as the first 4 chapters, but the WEAKEST so far is the Trixie chapter due to Twilight going all OC on Trixie cause I'm a stupid prinny, dood?
That is actually a good thing for me. I just hope I can get the fixes on the Trixie chapter asap, dood.
And it means I either need to rethink how I'm going to the Thunderlane chapter...cause no, Thunderlane ain't tapping purple booty, it'll be the other way around, dood. (This might be the very first time I have even HEARD of a futa pony sinking their meat into a stallion on this site, dood)
Sorta, kinda. What I meant, was that out of your first four chapters, the last was the best. and out of the last four chapters, the last was the best again. It's kinda like you need to warm up for two or three chapters before hitting your stride. Just something weird I noticed.
Also, yours is only one of maybe a dozen or so futafics I've read, and not one contains a futamare givin' the business to a stallion. Make of that what you will.
2095618 Oh I understand ya now, dood. That makes things make sense for me.
I barely read futafics despite me liking it cause my brain refuses to acknowledge any other pony as a Futa except Twilight IF Twilight is in the situation. I have that same weird mental glitch with some Video Games that I like. If it's a series that I don't know or don't care about, anyone could be dah futa, dood.
So yea...some of the stories I have come across around here has made my brain do 180 turns out of the story and back onto the menu.
I have a few points I'd like to make regarding Celestia. As much as hearing this would disappoint Twilight (which I do NOT enjoy the thought of), there are things that I feel must be mentioned.
I have nothing against how Celestia makes her decisions, because no matter how odd they seem, things turn out better in the end. This shows she's a good strategist and is quite intelligent. However, she is far from flawless. Celestia has a lot of power, that is obvious, but it is not infinite, she can be defeated (as seen in the Canterlot Wedding episode), and she is also able to be killed. Yes, I am aware of Celestia being an immortal, but immortality merely means that she will never die of old age, which is why she is so knowledgeable; she has centuries upon centuries of time to learn. Her vast amount of power is the result of learning everything there is to know about magic, and others can't do this because they will not live long enough. Even her trait for raising the sun is only an ability gained from pure power, as it is said (in the Hearths Warming Eve episode) that a bunch of Unicorns working together can do the same. She is only special in the fact that she can do it alone, not that she can do it in general. She is smart, and very very powerful, but she is not a true Goddess or even a Demigoddess, if she gets wounded horribly, she will die. My point being that as powerful and wise as she is, Celestia is not in any way irreplaceable and is in many cases just another pony, albeit one with millions of years of intelligence and extreme amounts of magical skill. Sorry everypony, but your princess is not the almighty being you see her as.
I like her a lot, I really do, but the way everyone depicts her as being totally perfect and all that. I've seen only one fic where the main character punched Celestia. That took serious guts, but at least someone else is aware of the fact that she can bleed. (She kicked his arse later, of course.)
2105434 Interesting thought on Celestia, dood. Personally, I refuse to see her as a goddess, only as a leader and a teacher. She seems to like to take risky gambles with her student(and friends)'s lives and come out with 777's (or Royal Flushes) each time which makes me think "so those guards of yours...they do anything?". Might as well put the Mane6 in guard armor and call it an army, dood.
But again...I'm a prinny, dood, I serve demon overlords and worship a small purple unicorn while kissing the ass of a sardine-loving vampire under death threats enlisted by a control freak werewolf. And when that same vampire spits in God's eyes (God God, not some other misc God) I now believe that no god is even close to perfection, and they get seriously butthurt when you power level and ROLFSTOMP 6 fungi variations of Jesus using everything AND the kitchen Sink, dood.
And Thank you for the Captain Planet reference, dood. It made me laugh.