Princess Twilight Sparkle is perfectly happy with her perfectly ordinary life in Ponyville. Every library book is properly shelved in its appropriate place, and her life continues on exactly according to her meticulously planned out schedule.

Then she gets a bodyguard.

Now she has to find some way to fit this new pony into her life on short notice. It won’t be an easy thing to adjust to—especially since Captain Storm Kicker’s presence makes it that much harder for her to go on living like the same old Twilight Sparkle she was before she became a princess.

This story is a sequel to Changeling Courtship Rituals

Queen Chrysalis attacked Canterlot, brainwashed Twilight Sparkle's brother, kidnapped her former foalsitter, defeated her mentor in combat, and conquered her kingdom. She kidnapped the sisters of Twilight's friends, turned them against one another, and tried to drain all of Twilight's magic. Queen Chrysalis has, at every opportunity, done her very best to utterly destroy Twilight Sparkle's life.

For some reason, this has not caused the pony to fall in love with her.

However, due to Twilight's misunderstanding of changeling customs, it does mean they are now married. Twilight eventually managed to tell the Queen the truth, but she forgot that whether it's a kingdom or a heart, changelings conquer.

And since the changeling way of conquest didn't work, Chrysalis is determined to try the pony way. The only problem is, of course, she has no idea what that is. But she knows someone who does: Princess Cadance.

Now, with the absolutely sincere help of her mortal enemy, the pony she once locked in the caves beneath Canterlot while trying to steal her husband on their very wedding day, Queen Chrysalis is going to woo the sister-in-law of that very pony.

Surely this is the most perfect plan ever devised.

***

Proofread by ShutterflyYay.

Takes place roughly after season five (so Starlight Glimmer is running around occasionally)

For years, Twilight Sparkle and Queen Chrysalis have been at each other's throats. Both have experienced victory over the other, and both have experienced defeat. Out of all the creatures in Equestria, none despise each other the way the pony Princess and changeling Queen do. They seemed destined to remain locked in battle forever, or at least until one is finally dead at the hooves of the other. The cruel insults, the vicious loathing, and the powerful spells that have passed back and forth between them at each meeting have become the stuff of legend.

Imagine Twilight's surprise when she finds out changelings consider this dating.

And now they're married.

***

Sequel: Pony Courtship Rituals

***

Some beautiful fanart of the end of chapter three was done by Dmann892; you can see it here.

More awesome fanart, this time from chapter one.

Now with a TvTropes page (obligatory TvTropes warning goes here).

If you want a Russian translation, you can find it here.

There is now a reading of the story on Youtube, which starts here.

If you came to hear a story, I’m sorry to disappoint. I suspect this’ll just end up as one big confession, really. When you’re the first Teutscher to set hoof into Equestria, I suppose that’s to be expected. And when you’re the universe’s favorite chew toy, doubly so. Still, with enough wit, some Prussian ingenuity, a droll sense of humor, and wanton murder, I might just survive this. Then again, when you’re going up against an unending list of things like government conspiracies, that guardian angel who keeps telling you to kill ponies, psycho Equestrian girls with allophilia, a lunatic princess, the legions of the Inferno, the Equestrian culture itself, swashbuckling sword fights, and laissez-faire economists, you begin to realize why there’s a big “if” in the middle of your life.

Your thoughts/critiques/deathreats are welcome in the comments. Spoilers are also encouraged. If you don’t have anything to complain about, do please tell me what you liked so I know what worked.

Now on TV Tropes. Posted on the Equestria Daily 5/28/13. Now in ePub format for your convenience.

60 years have passed since Luna's return. Many things have changed, and not all for the better. But even in the run-down, crime-ridden urban sprawl of Detrot, one facet of Equestria seems determined to withstand any test of time: Ponies love a good celebration.

This year's Nightmare Night party at the Detrot Police Department Headquarters was shaping up to be one of the most magnificent yet, but when a magical mishap leaves Detective Hardy stranded in a cell with his partner, his driver, the eccentric city coroner, and several crates of cupcake vodka, the evening descends instead into alcohol-soaked reminiscence about a Nightmare Night long past...

This is a Nightmare Night special episode of Starlight Over Detrot: A Noir Tale.
Cover art by the talented Akasashi (http://akashasi.deviantart.com/)

Monster attacks. Crime. Illegal hallucinogens made from electric fruit.

They say things didn't use to be like this. They say things were different, before Luna came back 60 years ago, but Detective Hard "Hardy" Boiled of the Detrot Police Department has never known any world other than that demarcated by the seedy streets of his beloved decaying metropolis; a world in which the coroners sing and dance, surveillance bugs have personality disorders, and the Chief of Police is a scarier entity than most of the eldritch things the city attracts.

The grey unicorn who turned up dead outside the posh High Step Hotel seemed like just another case, but her missing horn is the pointy tip of a very large and nasty iceberg. It's up to Hardy and his friends - a rejected monster hunter, a psychic cab driver, and an underground antiques heir - to find out what’s going on in an investigation that promises to stick more than a cupcake into the very eye of Detrot.

Especially if Hardy has anything to say about it.

By Popular Demand, there is now a Patreon

Additional editing by coandco Sig_Awesome, Hinds, Clint, and Raccoon!
Featured on EQD - 5 Stars!
Cover art by MisterMech (http://mistermech.deviantart.com/)
Now with TVTropes page here!