If you came to hear a story, I’m sorry to disappoint. I suspect this’ll just end up as one big confession, really. When you’re the first Teutscher to set hoof into Equestria, I suppose that’s to be expected. And when you’re the universe’s favorite chew toy, doubly so. Still, with enough wit, some Prussian ingenuity, a droll sense of humor, and wanton murder, I might just survive this. Then again, when you’re going up against an unending list of things like government conspiracies, that guardian angel who keeps telling you to kill ponies, psycho Equestrian girls with allophilia, a lunatic princess, the legions of the Inferno, the Equestrian culture itself, swashbuckling sword fights, and laissez-faire economists, you begin to realize why there’s a big “if” in the middle of your life.

Your thoughts/critiques/deathreats are welcome in the comments. Spoilers are also encouraged. If you don’t have anything to complain about, do please tell me what you liked so I know what worked.

Now on TV Tropes. Posted on the Equestria Daily 5/28/13. Now in ePub format for your convenience.

{This story is actually rated Everyone for the most part, but a few chapters have a more…mature theme, thus requiring the whole fic to be rated Teen. I believe among these is the Deadpool chapter (you'll know it when you find it), and the brutality in "The Return of Harmony" arc.}

Basically, it's a retelling of the popular "Friendship is Magic" TV series with an OC (Original Character) added. No, my OC will not be a self-insert or Mary Sue in any way, shape, or form ( at least I try to). This is my first fanfic I have published outside FanFiction.Net, so please bear with me. (Fanfic image is that of my OC.)

A member of the Story Crew is sent down to do his "mission" (what it is I shall not say). His organization has arranged things so that he is now a bodyguard-for-hire (who also takes odd jobs for extra money). Eventually, he ends up signing a contract from the ruler of Equestria herself, Princess Celestia. This contract has him tasked on (primarily) protecting one very important unicorn pony; the Princess's personal student, Twilight Sparkle. And that is where the story begins...

I devised him thanks to generalzoi's Pony Creator application. Do not follow the first link as it contains massive spoiler ideas for this story.

My name is Short Skirts and Explosions, and I write a lot of crap.

That said, here's a collection of incomplete stories and/or rough drafts of stories that I would eventually improve into final drafts worthy of Fimfiction and Equestria Daily. This is by no means supposed to add canonical weight to any of the other drivel that I have written, but rather it's meant to show off lengthy pieces of literature that I've poured my heart and soul into, regardless of how much they might suck the proverbial teat of lameness. The material provided here is either stuff that I won't release in complete form, or is writing that is so incredibly different from the final drafts that they almost feel like completely separate stories on their own. Sometimes I like to share the worst I have to offer, as well as the best. Dislike to your heart's content, or else enjoy the junk for what it is.

This story is a sequel to The Apple Falls Far from the Tree

(While this story is a direct continuation of an existing plotline, it has been written to be accessible all on its own. You do not need to have read the previous works to understand and enjoy what's here.)

Recently returned from the world of Everglow, Lex Legis, a brusque but brilliant unicorn, has finally achieved his dream...after a fashion. Convinced that he can govern Equestria better than the alicorn princesses, he and his new girlfriend, Sonata Dusk, have negotiated for rulership of the distant city of Vanhoover, devastated in the wake of the elemental chaos that has rocked Equestria.

But Vanhoover's problems go far beyond simple disaster-relief, and the pair soon come to learn that maintaining their dreams might be even more difficult – and more dangerous – than achieving them ever was.

Cover art created by the exceptionally talented Little Tigress.

"It’s a thrilling page-turner of a piece that I looked forward to seeing every day." -Paul Asaran, Paul's Thursday Reviews.

“A wonderful story that will capture your attention, the surprises are everywhere, behind all corners. Keep your eyes open for this art piece of the unexpected.” -Firefoxino, My Little Reviews & Feedback.

"This story gets a 9/10, and I initially thought it had all the obvious external hallmarks of a badfic." -kalash93, Reviewers Cafe.

"So, this fic is a shoe-in for enjoyable." -Karibela, Blunt Reviews Group.