Additional contributions by MixMassBasher
THE EQUESTRIA DAILY NEWS
(BY J. JONAH JAMESON BURIED LEDE)
RARITY FOR YOU, GRAND OPENING: A SADDLE ROW REVIEW
Many a pony have tried their hoof at joining the ranks of the elite fashion trendsetters currently ensconced in the boutiques of Manehattan's famed Saddle Row. Some might say it's the ultimate achievement in Equestrian fashion, and never before has a reporter been granted such unfettered behind-the-scenes access... until now.
The episode synopsis Sources have stated, Rarity, the Element Bearer of Generosity, has opened up a new boutique in Manehatten after using the megaton of funding and credibility from her "going out of business/going back into business sale" in order to set up shop.
This new boutique has to face much competition here with the thrift shop down the road and the grand re-opening of an old pizzeria.
To start off, I interviewed the apparent friends of Little Miss Rarity to get the scoop of the lifetime about how the opening of the boutique came about:
What was your motivation to helping your friend, Rarity, set up shop?
"Let's get this straight, I was only helping Rarity with her boutique because she said she'd let me bone her later; latex-fetish style."
"I was only here to avoid a certain bunny from arresting me from illegal firearms trading."
"I was just forced dragged along into doing this. And in the end, I was plum tuckered out from doing all that shit. What a fashion disaster."
"I only tagged along to add twenty percent more awesomeness to it. I mean come on! Rarity's taste in fashion is complete shit now! She needs a mare like me to help shed some light on the matter. I mean, what would she do without me? Wait... Are you writing this down?!?"
"Eep!!!"
What were preparations like?
"Well, it was off to a great start!"
"No it wasn't. To start off, the place was a fucking mess. It looked like a bunch of raccoons rampaged through the whole area. Urgh! Why didn't I bring Fax Machine along..."
"Apparently all that mess was caused by a family of raccoons. Very cute. Well, if you don't count the oddball in the family that likes to steal things with its trusty cane."
"There was also this awesome club pony party palace upstairs by the one and only DJ Pon-3!!! Guess she and Octavia didn't get along in the end and she moved here. But Rarity wanted to get rid of that? What a party pooper!"
"There was an even bigger problem; the landlord's daughter. I think she was more fried than a chicken on a hot summer day. With all her fancy schmancy "ideas". Good thing my folks ain't like that."
"Yes they are, Applejack."
"Okayyy. I'll be honest, darling, it was ghastly. Everything was falling apart before we even finished sweeping. In fact, my shipment from Ponyville was a mess. Those Celestia-damned movers... Then there was a fact that Miss Pommel was sick. Sweet Celestia! Could it get any worse!?"
Was it worse?
"Yeah. It was. It would have been faster if only I had clones of myself. We’d be ten times more productive than we were currently. I could even get into a freebie gang bang orgy session with myself afterwards."
"Yeah... Making copies of yourself always sounds like a great idea, but before you know it, you're locked in a room with fifty Pinkie Pies inhaling paint fumes."
"Ahhhh! I've been spotted!" somepony cried from behind.
"Huh?" Pinkie turned around in her seat in the diner to see nothing.
"Must've be the wind..."
"Get this. Rarity tasked me to get a new salespony. What the fuck?!? She expects an awesome mare such as myself to do what she herself should be doing? That bitch! What would she do, honestly... Huh. Lemme think. Darlings, I'm absolutely doomed, doomed, doomed! Hehe, I sound just like her! Wait, you're still writing this down?"
"Well, if you don't count the fact that we locked Rarity in the window display. Oh urm... When you write the story, could you maybe skip over that part?
How did it end?
"You think a pony such as myself, who has spent years organizing books to pure perfection, would mess up? Bitch please. The whole place organized by style, cross-referenced by size, and reverse-indexed by fabric. She'll be able to find anything in three seconds flat! It was by far my best work."
"Fuck you, Twilight! That ten seconds flat meme is my line! Where's the fair use?"
"So, I hired all of them. Got a problem with that? I'm lazy, so piss off. It's Rarity’s problem to pay them afterwards."
"Well I brought the party downstairs. The strobing lights and drugs are bound to disguise any remaining mess left behind."
At this point the bill for all the food Pinkie Pie ate arrived.
"Oh. Ah... You mind paying for the bill? I'll pay it back of course. Unless you are one of those one off characters."
"In the end, I had the little raccoons dressed up to serve customers, so they could stay there. I heard a restaurant down the road does something similar with a blue rat, so why not here?"
"Well. I did like her silverware clothes idea. Quite practical. Had her serve soup alongside those damn dirty ‘coons. Doubt customers notice the difference between them with how kooky she is."
"I'm just glad it's over." Straight afterward, she fainted on the couch in front of Buried Lede, whom continued scribbling on her notepad.
And what did I think of the opening? Well, it was certainly interesting, I'll tell you that. I would certainly say it was a smashing success despite her ne'er-do-well friends. A vision of Rarity combined with the strange charm of her friends! This reporter, for one, is impressed that such a mare tolerates such friends.
Next issue: The Element Bearer of Laughter accused of illegal firearms trading.
Dear Sunburst,
Twilight and her friends ditched me. So much for friendship, I guess. Mind if I crash at your place? Just get the condoms ready.
Your old friend,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Sorry I made fun about your obsession to silverware. I think I just met somepony worse than you in that regard.
Your apologetic friend,
Applejack
Dear Applejack and Rainbow Dash,
My sweeping song could have looked more spectacular if that black mouse hadn't stolen my Starswirl magician's cap!!!
Your organized spellcaster,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear DJ Pon-3,
Mind making a remix of my sweeping song?
A talented spellcaster and magician,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
You're welcome,
Vinyl Scratch
Dear Friends,
You guys locked me up in a room? Seriously? The display room's conditions were simply dreadful. It's so musty and damp that my mane is in tangles. The air was so stuffy that I was suffocating. And that stench. Oh that stench. And oh my I thought I was going to die of thirst and hunger in there! What was I going to eat in there. The cloths? And furthermore....
Your oh so drama queen,
Rarity
Dear Rarity,
Stop your whining, you piece of shit! Why didn't you just teleport out like we did in the dragon lands? Guess all those times when you starved yourself dieted has not only made you slim, but has cut off all your functioning brain cells.
I suggest a daily dosage of TLF (Tender Love and Fucking) to fix that. Just come by the castle when you're ready.
A professional rapist doctor,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Buried Lede,
Thanks for paying the bill!!
Your interviewee,
Pinkie Pie
Dear Equestrian Clone Protection Program,
I need to relocate. My cover is blown.
Make sure it's somewhere fun.
Sincerely,
Pinkie Pool
Dear Coco Pommel,
I see we've been calling you Miss Pommel this entire episode. What ever happened to your first name?
Sincerely,
Rarity
Dear Rarity,
What happened?
The pathetic horse shit that is copyright law.
Forever and always,
Coco Pommel
Dear Rarity,
You know I love books, right? Turns out I have a book full of tips on opening and maintaining small businesses.
I skimmed through it, and strangely enough, I couldn't find the tip that says "Don't wait until the day of opening to start setting up.
Probably because that's so fucking obvious that nopony thought it needed writing down. Clearly there is need for a revision now, thanks to you.
Sincerely,
Twilight
Dear Mr. Stripes,
Seeing as how I'm a very successful tenant who will have no trouble relocating my store elsewhere if need be, I feel comfortable saying this now.
Keep your fashion abomination of a daughter out of my decision making process, you fucking commie.
Sincerely,
Rarity
So I wasn't the only one making Kronk Angel/Devil jokes.
Dear Shoulder Devil,
The path that rocks? If I wanted to go that way, I wouldn't've ditched my family's farm. Step up your game!
-Pinkie Pie
Amen to that.
His name is Buried Lede. Saddle Row is the name of the street.
This episode was just straight-up hilarious.
One of my favorite images:
derpicdn.net/img/2016/5/22/1160752/small.png
Dear Miss Rarity,
Congratulations on your successful opening. Mr. Wallace eagerly awaits the repayment of his generous loan.
Yours,
Jewels Whinnyfield and Royale W. Cheese
This chapter needs extensive editing >.>;;
Typos! Typos everywhere!
Also, when Applejack said that spoon clothing would be useful for digging little holes, did anyone else think 'shovelware?'
did I miss something about pommel and copyright? this was an entertaining episode but it feels like there is some meta joke over it that i'm missing
7246020 http://www.equestriadaily.com/2016/05/coco-pommel-is-no-longer-coco-legal.html
Little Miss Rarity? Wow, did Twilight succeed in turning Rarity around in terms of pleasure? Or in this case, masochism?
Dear Pinkie Pool,
We believe we may have the solution to your problem. You just need to come by our secret
Weapon Xplastic surgery facility.Sincerely,
Armen Hammer.
There is an extra space between "funding" and "and", and there is a missing space between the close quote and "in".
1.) "To" is not needed.
2.) I copy pasted this directly from the chapter. You either accidentally hit enter when you meant to hit space, or you did not hit enter enough.
3.) Missing comma.
4.) I understood that reference.
5.) "Scoop".
Missing comma.
Missing comma.
1.) These are unneeded.
2.) "Twenty percent" should be written out.
3.) This needs to be capitalized.
4.) This needs a comma on either side.
5.) This needs an apostrophe s.
6.) "Is".
7AB.) You need commas between these words.
8.) This ellipsis is missing a period.
9.) There should be an exclamation point in here somewhere.
Missing comma.
"Looked" and there seems to be a "through" missing between "rampaged" and "the".
1.) That should end in apostrophe s.
2.) Were you trying to say "brain was more fried"?
3.) Extra space.
4.) Extra unneeded quotation mark.
Missing comma.
Period should be a question mark.
Missing comma.
Missing commas and the I in "I'll" needs to be capitalized.
"Ne'er-do-well."
You need a comma between "friendship" and "I", the question mark and the period should switch places, and "in" should be "at".
Capitalize the emboldened I.
1.) "Looked".
2.) "Hadn't stolen".
3.) This needs to end in apostrophe s.
Missing "that" or comma.
Missing comma.
"Yourself" should also be struck-through and there should be a comma between "slim" and "but".
I actually thought you were going to write Doctor William H. Cosby Jr. Ed D.
My dearest Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I had no idea that you were so good at sweeping. Organizing and proper table table setting, yes. Sweeping? Not so much. I love that I keep learning new things about you. I wonder how good you would be at farm chores? I am sure you would be magnificent at it. Show Applejack a thing or seven.
Signed your loyal slave and humble acolyte,
Neko Majin C.
~KBO.
Hehehe
Rarity lied.
Spike could have eaten them, but does he even eat meat? All he eats is sweets, pastries and rocks. Are dragons supposed to eat meat? Hell, these ponies are like those people who feed their cats vegan diets and cry when they die. That might explain why he hasn't grown in years.
Who the hell puts Rainbow Dash in charge of hiring?
Friendship means nothing to Twilight.
Dumbass.
This episode was ripe for Sirs Authors to tear apart. Good show!
Man, this past weekend was the weekend where two of my favorite shows ruined several everyday words.
"Sweep."
-Twilight Sparkle-
"Hold the door!"
-Hodor-
Lots of typos and grammar problems in this one. Reads like it was written by someone else who doesn't normally type in English.
7246324 By the looks of it, yes.
1.bp.blogspot.com/-FIWalyzsCMU/V0WcHpa_S-I/AAAAAAAClKk/gcxT3kVz-uoytsqz1p9MscZoPLrmNHAdwCLcB/s1600/Capture.JPG
7246134 Thank you. To be honest, I'm a little embarrassed at how long your comment was. Every single one of those was from my co-author, and I can't believe I didn't catch them before publishing.
7246386 I agree, wholeheartedly. I'm going to let my co-author know, because I don't know what this was typed on, but this is unacceptable, and I should've have looked much more carefully.
7246386
7246134
7245949
Yeah sorry about that. I'll try to keep that from happening again
Mile's co-author,
MixMassBasher
Okay, I did not know that about Coco Pommel. I fucking hate copyright law, well that's not true, I hate how it is used. Anyway, I didn't even realize that that had happened because Rarity likes to refer to people formally, so they covered that up pretty well.
7246743 Yeah, sorry about that. It is kind of a compulsion. After three or four errors, my brain switches to proofreader mode.
Dear Capitalist Apple Pony,
My daughter generously offer you 50% stake in spoon clothes company, you say no. You say spoon clothes not sell. Today, she get big, big order from Capitalist silver filly in Ponyville. Who laughing now?
-Mr. Stripes.
Anyone else notice one of the dancers at the party could also be a Pinkie Pie clone?
7247859
Yep.
7247859
Yeah, in fact I have it in my to-vector list to actually make it Pinkie Pie.
She's really cute. :3
7248357 I just figure it's another clone that's still having fun. And maybe changed her Cutie Mark somehow from three blooms to three glow sticks.
Honestly, this is a trait of Rarity's that's getting annoying to me.
Also, I love those images at the end.
Wait, that copyright claim thing with Coco Pommel was real!?
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!!
7257773
Copyright laws have GONE MAD. They're set up that if you're okay with ONE person using you intellectual property, then you can't say no to ANYONE. It's set up to encourage the sue happy mentality and punishes those who aren't!
If only.
I'd love to see just where it says in copyright law it's illegal to use a name similar to someone's name. At most it would be a trademark violation, and even then only if it's being used to trick people into buying off-brand knock-offs. USA law (and by loaded treaties, world law) is bad, but not that bad. This was just someone complaining, without any legal argument, because they wanted to bogart a name, and Hasbro just did it to
drum upavoid controversy.7258251
How the fuck is the name "Coco" anyone's IP? It's a fucking name! More than that, it's the kind of name you'd give a fucking pet! What the fuck is wrong with people?