Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
The Crystal Empire, Part 2
Dear Princess Celestia,
Well, I've got to hand it to Cadance, taking off Sombra's horn like that took guts. Now he's going to go get his homies for backup and bust a cap in her ass. But it's just another day up in 'dis Crystal Meth Empire, yo.
After quickly overcoming the grief that Tom died for no reason, I tasked the other five with keeping the fair running while I searched for the Crystal Heart. If your sister taught me anything, it's that you have to search fruitlessly around an area, and then lastly, search a lava-filled castle with spikes everywhere, and then there's always a guy at the end who says you have to go to another castle. Seeing how there's only one castle in this area, I figured that wouldn't happen.
After looking everywhere on the castle grounds, I let the hate flow through me, and bam, secret staircase. I walk halfway down, and tumble down the second half. At least I got to the end. I didn't even need 70 or more stars. But then there was this rather evasive door. I gave it a dose of PMS, it opened right up, and I was given the most wonderful vision – where I was officially released from your school. Spike came down and had a similar vision where he was no longer in my servitude. After reminding him that he was mine forever, I performed a spell on the door, and was greeted with another set of stairs.
Down at the fair, Rainbow ran a kiosk, Rarity made straw items, Applejack was the distraction, Fluttershy hosted a petting zoo, and Pinkie kept screaming for a flugelhorn. Fluttershy kept a pretty good distance from Pinkie. I think she was afraid that she was going to get high and make a second disguise out of her skin. The crystal meth ponies were getting a little edgy, so Rainbow distracted them by trying to impale Fluttershy in a jousting match.
So back at the tower, I was about a quarter of the way up when I recalled a spell Luna told me; the legendary 'Up Down Left Right Select' spell. Suddenly, gravity reversed and I slid all the way up the bottom of the spiral. I'm amazed my hooves didn't catch on fire. Once we finally got to the top, I discovered that the clever bastard actually installed an alarm system. Having no other choice, I ordered Fax Machine to take it down the tower. Like the true clumsy shit he is, he tripped and fell, forcing my brother to throw his exhausted wife up in the air to catch them. Probably would've been funnier if she only caught the heart, but what's done is done.
So back in Canterlot, Celestia congratulated me on understanding the meaning of self-sacrifice, leading me to believe she was hoping I died up there in the tower. Fucking troll. Just wanted Spike to take all the glory. He even got his own stained glass window! The other five are much better backup singers than him anyway.
Your still-alive former student,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
Sweetheart, did Pinkie slip you something again? I never agreed to a threesome down in the caves, and you certainly didn't accompany us on our honeymoon. You've been freaking your brother out.
When I used to foalsit for you, you were the sweetest, smartest filly there ever was. But recently, your attitude and manners have been abysmal. But it's nothing that years of therapy can't fix.
Sooner or later, I hope that you'll take that first step to getting some help. Because hallucinations like that are only going to continue; before you know it, you'll think you've become a princess yourself, or worse, you and your friends will go through a portal, turn into those mythological humans, and attend high school.
Sincerely,
Princess Cadance
Oh, you have no idea how much of a laugh I got out of that. Well done.
The plot thickens...
It should probably go on a diet.
Oooh- But Trixie coming back will be interesting...
Oh God why?
The last few lines:
I was a princess once, then I Di'd.
Poor deluded Twilight.
YES! Two gems in one day! Loved them both Miles.
So very meta
Dat ending!
... Watch it turn out they're writing these letters back and forth in a nuthouse.
Okay Twilight is defnitely going crazy because she just referred to Celestia in third person like she wasn't even sending a letter to her and nice jab the drama that's been happening lately with the show lately.
PS. Twilight, I think Cadance is lying.
Two chapters in one day. Looks like someone's eager to put Season 3 behind him as quickly as possible. And considering the last few lines of Cadance's letter, I can't really blame you.
GODS BUCKING DAMNIT!!!
This smiley is really cute.
Okay, that's a little dark.
Just something:
So back in Canterlot, Celestia congratulated me on understanding the meaning of self-sacrifice, leading me to believe she was hoping I died up there in the tower. Fucking troll. Just wanted Spike to take all the glory. He even got his own stained glass window! The other five are much better backup singers than him anyway.
She is talking to Celestia, refering to her in third person. Should be more like.
So back in Canterlot, youcongratulated me on understanding the meaning of self-sacrifice, leading me to believe youwas hoping I died up there in the tower. Fucking troll. Just wanted Spike to take all the glory. He even got his own stained glass window! The other five are much better backup singers than him anyway.
yay double update
Get laid Twilight, get laid.
Dear Princess Cadance:
Surely nopony would be that crazy.
uhhh that last one isnt a thing is it?
anyway YAY SEASON 3 HAS STARTED!
So, did she got laid or not?
The site does not allow sufficient faces for that addendum. Guess she didn't get any after all.
Don't know whether to be relieved or not.
Equestria Girls reference?
also
Hmmm, is Twilight writing to a second "Celestia"?
I can't wait to see what you write for "One Bad Apple".
You... Didn't...
Oh wait, you did, because YOU'RE A TROLLING GENIOUS!
Twilight... never speak slang again. Ever.
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
It's a pity humans are extinct. From what I've heard, they sacrificed some of their own people to their gods! Now that's a sarifice I could enjoy
Your gleefully trollish former teacher, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: I think I'll install a stained Glass window of your fax machine at your library! that woud be fun
Also, Cadance thinks you need to be sent to the rainbow factory
So, did Cadance ALSO have her memory wiped? Or is Twilight seriously starting to lose it?
And I would probably actually watch this "Equestria Girls" thing if it turned out it was just them under a spell, or going insane or something.
YES, I was waiting for this, Twilight finally got some. I waited to read and review the last chapter because it was a two part-er and I assumed, correctly, that you would post part two relatively quickly after part one.
delusions of becoming a princess why do i want the alicorn twilight letter the most now?
Is it wrong that I can't wait for somebody to get fed up with her and punch her in the face?
2.bp.blogspot.com/_UoY4g289PN4/TK0ybhqxD5I/AAAAAAAAAbQ/Ku2VOAj6ic8/s1600/nudge-nudge-monty-python-105.jpg
and that's how Degrassi Was made
*Sniff* *Sniff*
You smell that? That's the smell of amazing foreshadowing.
Or Jelly Slimes, I can never tell...
I was hoping for an Asylum reference from Cadance. Oh well, great shit anyway.
2119307 *Looks at black bar*
...
[DATA EXPUNGED]
Oh dear God, Too Many Pinkies is up next.
It would be traumatizing if it wasn't going to be Pinkie writing it.
2119307;2119656;2119667;2119540
I wasn't, I just had Aunt Luna give her some extremely vivid wet dreams.
Hehehe, now IS she actually hallucinating, or is it really a memory-wipe spell? I don't know, but it's funny regardless.
Love the crack at the alleged humanized show.
2120053
Considering Luna dream walking is canon I suppose this is entirely possible and... kind of cruel.
2119982
Well I could have wrote that last part while being under the influence of a marker ^^;
2119431
She's trying... iiit's not going well...
Tovarish autor!
Zat last letter haz gave me giggles!
That second part says Twilight used to be a sweet kid, more recognizable to canon. WTF happened to her? Makes me wonder if her vitriol towards Celestia is, in fact, totally justified. (Especially taken with the GGG letter, where Celestia punishes the whole mane 6, for Twilight's behavior.)
Suddenly that last bit is less funny.
2119486
encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT-PORvc8iynH4E755ucYhGIeQT_2d92EGzOOdvPxPs3dYIb7hw
Y'know, I'd actually be interested in reading non-episode versions of this Twilight. Maybe during Summer after season 3 has been written in letters?
At least something going into how this Twilight went from being the sweet filly Cadence mentions to a disgruntled (hilarious) bitch.
2120101 My dead girlfriend tried to make me finish one with that "Make us whole" thing... You should have seen how direct she was, just handed me the directions, but.... well, what I told her sums it up: "Your directions are from IKEA! Fuck you, and fuck your Marker!"
These are fucking hilarious! I can't wait to see more. All the references and such really give me a good laugh! So far, I think my favorite is 'a bird in the hoof'...
That's just me, though.
Cadance speaks the truth. High School Alternate Universe fanfiction is deplorable. Don't give in to it, Twilight!
can't wait to see what happens to trixie
is there gonna twixie?2119982 SCP?