Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
Lesson Zero
Dear Princess Celestia,
First things first; please ignore that first 'Princess-has-to-come-and-save-the-day problem' letter you got from all of us, it was a ruse. Sorry, but Twilight was in the room when that one was written. So now that she's gone up to bed, the rest of us have gathered in the basement to write you our real letter.
So I guess we'll get right to the point; we are fully ready to admit that a secret war has been waged between Canterlot and Ponyville; for one single reason: Neither town wants to harbor Twilight Sparkle. We Ponyvillians sort of have the disadvantage, seeing as how Canterlot is the residence of the snobs and the gods, but we were willing to try.
We had it planned to the last detail. We bribed the Cakes to put so much damn frosting on her order of cupcakes that she would freak out, and with her attention to detail, waste time as the day began. Then, we had Spike conveniently not remind Twilight about her weekly letter to you until the very last minute. We figured this way, our motives would stay under wraps, and Twilight could go back to magic kindergarten where she belongs. Yeah, she's that immature. To keep up appearances, Spike convinced her time and again that such a possibility was preposterous. So she set out to find a friendship problem that she could solve. We figured that she would come to one of us first, so we all had our individual scenarios planned out.
First up was Rarity. Initially, we were skeptical about her planned scenario; come on, how is helping finding a lost ribbon a lesson in friendship? But Twilight was not going to get the opportunity to help. That was the goal here; everypony was going to be able to solve their own problems, so Twilight would fail her assignment, and she could get her high-and-mighty unicorn ass out of our town. Rarity also added the perfect touch; “Isn't it always in the last place you look?” That was hilarious. I have never seen anypony go “Yeah I found my ribbon but I'm still looking for it!”
We knew with Twilight, that no matter how well planned our game was, that no plan would ever fully survive her antics. So Rainbow Dash and Applejack went along with their planned barn demolition, and what does Twilight do? She goes all therapist on Rainbow! What the fuck? Did you know that she's possibly been giving unlicensed therapeutic advice? Isn't that illegal? Throw her ass in the dungeon, then she's NOPONY'S problem!
Then, she ran into Fluttershy. While pretending it was a rather extreme massage to relieve a bear's shoulder tension, it was in fact, Harry, who had come by to find out why she and Rainbow Dash hadn't arrived to house sit for him a few weeks ago. So she gave him the smackdown he deserved, because apparently he didn't hear the part about payments up front for the house sitting service. No money, no house sitting, so it wasn't their fault his place was broken into.
We had all planned a picnic for the middle of the day, so Twilight would have even more on her schedule, and even less time to find a lesson on friendship. Turns out, she's really good at wasting time even with a get-together planned. Spike told us she spent a good hour on a park bench muttering something along the lines of “my precious” or some shit.
Now came the picnic. We were all looking forward to this, as we wanted to see how our efforts had paid off thus far. To be honest, we could barely contain our glee. It was considerably difficult to keep our act together. She came to us all freaked out and anxious, and we acted all concerned up to the point where she mentioned the letter, then we just blew it off, saying she was overreacting.
By the way, did you know what was going on? Because that was a simply AWESOME troll you did with the sun. Making it tick like a clock, priceless! Spike tells us that by that point, Twilight was really beginning to lose it, as in if she can't find a friendship problem, she'd make a friendship problem. No, really? Like she hasn't been making friendship problems for the past year? She went into the meadows by the schoolhouse, and starting pestering Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, trying to get them to play with her doll. When they saw that it was just a raggedy piece of shit, they tried to get her to go away or shove it onto each other. Then Twilight had to bring magic into the picture.
Ah yes, the 'Want It Need It' spell. This truly perplexes us. Did you know how sexually frustrated she's been ever since she got here? Why the fuck wouldn't she just use the Want It Need It Spell on herself, and then just watch as she got violated by every mare and stallion in town? But no. Instead, she saves it for now, and conveniently forgot how to turn the spell off when it came time to lecture the fillies. So it slowly spread, and pretty soon the whole fucking town is fighting over this doll. Twilight manages to keep our eyes off of it long enough for the sun to go down and for you to show up and negate the spell.
By the way, Big Mac has some issues he should probably address. Seriously, that's fucked up.
So we all wanted to be there in the library for when she was sent back to kindergarten, and then you hit us with the most unexpected twist ever; not only are you going to make HER continue to write letters, but now you want US to as well?
You know Princess, we really, REALLY fucking hate to admit it, but Twilight has a point. You are a troll. I mean here we were, about to get Twilight out of town, and then you make us do the same useless thing she's been doing. Do you know what that means? There are six of us in this sorry little group. Which means there is a 16.6% chance that we'd have to write a letter about her. Kinda...kinda like we did just now. Heh, who knew?
But at least you said to report the findings on the magic of friendship only when we discover them. So I think we can all agree that it may be awhile before you get another letter from any of us. Because, face it, as long as Twilight's here, it's only going to continue going downhill.
Your faithful subjects,
Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Flutershy, Rainbow Dash, and Spike
FIRST! also, fucking hilarious.
That is all.
damn trollestia
Dude I am at work.
Oh wait I am allowed to read at work...
Commence reading more.
Also have you read 'A Dream' By totally not a Brony?
EDIT: Harry, yes. Is his last name Henderson?
And now the moment we've all been waiting for Leason Zero
But... Why would Twilight care about writing a report if she is not her student anymore?
1325401 Explained in part 2. She wants to send Celestia letters to continuously prove that she does not need her or her school.
At the begining of this whole fic I was "Meh" and then it started getting better and now...
Holy buck, this is AMAZING! ABSOLUTEYL FANTASTIC! truly
You deserve a fucking medal
Did not dissapoint.
Now for "Luna Eclipsed" . . .
To every other author ever:
Oh snap, continuity with the bear and house-sitting thing. Well played.
I assume Pinkie took the lead writing this.
1325505 Twilight would either be electrocuted to death, or never be able to sit again.
This chapter was absolutely hilarious. Rarity and the others conspiring to get rid of Twilight, just brilliant. I'm hoping when you do Luna Eclipsed you do it from Luna's POV, describing how she was actually enjoying terrorising the ponies and pointing out that she has been back a year, of course she can talk normally. Perhaps have Luna describe Celestia's plan to troll Twilight as going off without a hitch.
Bitches.... bitches everywhere in this story!
1325447
And i'm stealing that.
Hilarious
chapterletterupdate by the way.1325447
1325601
images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/26300000/U-MAD-BRO-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-26348628-830-467.jpg
1325695
No image available, dude. Sorry.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw5378_small.jpg
That...is one of the most delightfully horrific ideas I've ever come across, and I may or may not steal that idea.
And the idea that Twilight is some kind of anti-Helen of Troy, with two cities fighting to NOT have her is fantastic. I knew Lesson Zero would be a fun one, and I was not dissappointed.
>>Kinda...kinda like we did just now. Heh, who knew?
Well maybe they wouldn't do it if they were shown to be HAPPY that Twilight was going away instead of being sad, seriously you girls shouldn't even have to come to Twilight's home and use the "wait don't punish her" act. All you girls just prove is that you clearly do like Twilight in the long run.
Nice trolling! Lets see what you can do with the next one >=D
1325798 no saying first is a bannable excuse i had aleady read the chapter so i knew i wasnt going to be first so i made a funny
I almost feel sorry for Twilight... ALMOST
YES short chapters I can keep my mind on! *fic is promptly eaten by the read list monster*
My favourite episode :) I love Celestia making the sun jump forward and tick, man that was funny.
vs vs
I CAN'T WAIT for Luna Eclipsed!
“my precious” or some shit.
Twilight Sparkle is Gollum, Confirmed.
Wait, so now are we going to get letters from the other characters' points-of-view? ...because I want to know how Rainbow Dash really felt about "The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well".
1325885 Supposed to be a "u mad?" pic.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy_invert.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
Why don't you ponies just banish Twilight to Earth? She'd fit in just fucking perfectly with the local populace.
So the whole "Lesson Zero" incident was just an elaborate plot by the Mane 6 to drive (further) off the deep end?
I expected this one to be awesome, but this is 20% cooler than I imagined. (I honestly half-expected Twilight to say "my precious..." during the actual episode. Now I know I'm not the only one. )
Favorite episode, favorite chapter
1325601
I know, right? A grown stallion playing with dolls! (*hides his collection of brushables, you saw nothing*)
Will Luna Eclipsed come out like the Witchcraft is Magic version?
1331157 I hope not. I'd like my stuff to have it's own flavor of giggles. I have referenced FiW in these before though.
1331192
Your own way is better. I just want to think Luna's voice in a bad russian accent.
Good stuff. It looks like things are going to be even more fun from here on out with the two groups going after each other, and I am very curious to see what you do with the Mysterious Mare Do Well because that episode seems to fit with your Twilight's personality quite well.
1331323 I won't say which is better. I LOVE Friendship is Witchcraft. And to be honest, I was very nervous about parodying Lesson Zero, as I already consider it to be the funniest episode of the first two seasons. So my goal wasn't to make it funnier, but to twist and jerk the plot around to make it something completely different, but still lol-worthy.
1331490 Not sure if the groups will go after each other from here on out. While I do try and keep something akin to continuity in my twisted alternate universe here, it's not top priority. Top priority, obviously, is coming up with jokes that my readers find funny. Season 1 had a few duds because: A. They weren't favorite episodes of mine, B. I couldn't come up with anything on a whim and ended up over-thinking it. The letters that everyone laughed at were the ones that I wrote off the top of my head in 10-20 minutes. Very few jokes in this series have been planned, but there are some gags that I had in the back of my head ever since coming up with this idea; such as Part 22, where the letter is only a sentence long.
1332839
Philomena learned how to be a dick from Trollestia.
The same place Twilight learned her trolling skills ...
i guess Celestia got the Faithful Student she really does deserves
1327238
I laughed so hard at that line (I finished the trilogy 2 days ago) and I think that if she want-it need-it speller herself with something, Peter Jackson would make an MLP and LOTR crossover.
With Spike as Frodo.
Also, most for me in quite a while. Have a Trollestia.
OH GODDESS YES
THEIR AND EXPLODEY MCGEE'S MISERY IS DELICIOUS TO ME
Jeff Foxworthy reference, perhaps?