Chapter 16: Hey Doc.
What happened? I don't remember anything after throwing that fireball and hitting...
"ARROW!" I shouted as I shot up from the bed I was currently resting on. I was in a pristine white room that had various posters of pony anatomy on the walls. I could smell disinfectant in the air, and I was hooked up to a heartbeat monitor for some reason. I was in a hospital, but we were in the middle of that forest. How could we have gotten here?
"I see you've finally woken up, Chance," Said a pony to my right side.
"Insight? What are you doing here Doc. My next appointment is Sunday not...what day is it?"
"Sunday. Your magic surged again,"
"Oh god, please tell me I didn't hurt anyone this time," When I said that I remembered what got me up in the first place. I tried to use my magic to unhook everything that was attached to me, but for some reason it wouldn't work. I didn't understand why until my therapist spoke,
"Arrow was the only one to be injured, and he will be fine in time. Your magic has been restrained while you're in the hospital though so you don't end up hurting yourself or me." he said before levitating a cup of tea over to himself. I knew it was tea because he literally drinks nothing else whenever I have one of my appointments.
Arrow getting hurt was my prime concern though considering that those burns were pretty horrific when I saw them. I was about to get up when Insight spoke up,
"You can see Arrow after your appointment Chance. Don't worry, we will be done in an hour," I sighed before leaning back on the bed and asking,
"Where were we last time?"
"We were discussing your last day in that hell hole as you call it,"
"Oh right. So I finally was able to move around..."
*******
I was looking around the room for anything that might help me get an edge over the bitch that's kept me here for over a month. Nothing really stood out except for the chain that held me down for so long, but I couldn't use that, could I? Walking over to the rusty chain I observed the metal ring that kept it attached to the floor.
"Why would you already have one of these installed in a room?" I said to myself as I observed around the ring. The floor was made of wood, but in some areas the wood was rotting so I was hoping that maybe this board was as well. It wasn't however so that threw that idea out of the metaphorical window.
I heard hoofsteps outside of the door once more, and I knew I didn't have a way of defending my self unless whatever burned that strap was still around. Since I couldn't fight her I had to come up with another plan and quick or else she'd make my life even worse here! It finally struck me that I could hide behind the door and hopefully surprise her.
I quickly moved to the side of the door and waited while the hoofsteps grew louder and louder. Finally the door opened up, and a gasp escaped my captors lips; she stepped into the room and started looking around for her 'son'. It would of been so easy to just sneak up on her and snap her fucking neck, but she survived a fucking stabbing so that probably wouldn't be the best idea.
I ultimately decided to sneak out of the door which she so conveniently left wide open. Thank you stupidity! I carefully creeped around the door so I wouldn't make any noise when I heard a overly happy voice speak,
"There you are, Lucky!"
"FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING FUCK!" I ran out of the room and quickly slammed the door before a thud resounded from the other side. Did she really fall for that again? The handle started to move so I couldn't stick around to think about how she thought I wouldn't do that again; I quickly made my way back to the stairs that I used to escape last time.
"Get back here,Lucky! Our big day can't wait forever,"
"GO TO HELL!" I yelled back to her as I ran down the stairs. I tripped on the final step sending me tumbling down onto the floor; I actually heard a gasp escape the mare before I got back up and tried to figure out the way I went last time. I had to make a choice so I went left and found myself in a kitchen of some sort.
The floor was made of white tiles though there were stains all over them. There were cabinets lining the walls, and the majority of them were rotted and falling to pieces. I could smell rotting food and I believe some air freshener though the smell of something rotting tend to be stronger than flowers. I quickly hid in the fridge that was slightly ajar on the other side of the room in hopes that she would think I ran somewhere else.
When I entered the fridge I could tell it wasn't on as it was warm and I stepped in something sticky and squishy. I gulped back a little vomit over what I thought it could be, but what horse would keep organs in their fridge? Then again she had kept me locked in a house that was literally rotting to the point that even termites wouldn't eat it.
"Lucky? Where are you? I just want to talk," The cliches! why does every horror movie villain think that their victim will come out by just calling to them? I just kept still inside of the fridge and prayed that she wouldn't check it. The door swung open revealing the mare standing in front of it.
"Shit!"
"There you are!" She said with a wicked grin as she picked me using her telekinesis. I thrashed about trying anything to escape, but I couldn't do anything, I was finished. I hung my head down as I was slowly carried out of the kitchen, and back up the stairs toward the room I was trapped in for so long.
"Why are you doing this?"
"I already told you, for science!"
"What science though?"
"Well I hope to discover-" I dropped to the floor suddenly which dazed me for a minute. Looking up I saw that the top stare had collapsed under her weight which caused one of her legs to drop through. I decided that this was my only chance to get out of here without her being on my tail both metaphorically and physically.
I quickly ran back down the stairs and took a right this time which lead toward a door. Looking behind me I saw that the mare had freed her leg and was currently charging at me.
"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CRAZY BITCH!" I yelled as I ran out of my prison into a very busy street filledwith even more of these horned horses that kidnapped me...
******
"...The rest is history,"
"I see. You've always been quite resourceful when you need to be,"
"When you deal with assholes all the time you have to be," Insight never cared for my swearing, but he didn't tell me to stop either so I would just say whatever the fuck I wanted.
"What do you mean?"
"I kind of attract them. When I first came here I meet two right of the bat and I'm living with them,"
"Who might they be?"
"I believe their names are Open Seas and Gibson,"
"Why do you think this way about them,"
"Well Open called Arrow a whore for no reason so he can fuck off, and Gibson was a prick to his little brother for no reason. That is a big no no in my book,"
"Why is that?"
"My brother was a dick. I know that, but Button doesn't seem to understand that his is as well. I mean just dismissing him immediately after not seeing him in a month is fucking cold!"
"Did you take into account why Gibson chose to act that way?"
"No, It shouldn't matter though! A brother is a brother; you do not fuck with that," I realized that this therapy session hasn't diverged into my humanity yet which was weird until Insight spoke up,
"An interesting idea, Chance. Now, I believe it is time we discussed your problem,"
"What problem?"
"Chance-"
"Do not even start Insight or I swear-"
"We can't give you back your family, but we can help you get better,"
"I am not forgetting my home!"
"But you have, Chance. Jungle did too much damage to your mind for you to remember naturally. I'm giving you the option to start again,"
"Can I say something doc?"
"Go ahead," I leaned in close to the doctors ear before speaking,
"SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"
"Chance I-" The clock on the wall began to ring which signaled the end of our session.
"Good bye, Doctor. Next time I'll bring the donuts," He sighed while I got up from the bed and made my way toward the door. I opened the door and gestured for Insight to leave; he did and I followed him until we reached the lobby area.
"Chance, I want you to consider this,"
"I'm telling you right now. I will not give up my humanity," He turned away from me while I made my way to the front desk where a white earth pony was sitting. She seemed to be distracted by something and was completely oblivious to my attempts at getting her attention; She was just focusing on a file in front of her.
"Excuse me, miss.." She put the file down and looked at me. Her expression changed from being annoyed to something else; I'm not sure what it was but she definitely wasn't happy to see me. This was going to be a long day, I could already tell just by how it's beginning.
The therapy session was very entertaining.
6383208 Good to hear you enjoyed it.
6383226 That boy in the flashback, the one that wanted Chance to go to the haunted mansion and got them in trouble, was he the asshole brother that Chance was talking about? If so, then I guess Chance didn't forgive this for nearly getting them killed.
6383257 Yes he was. Though Chance can't really be mad at him anymore. That's for a later chapter though so I leave you with this,
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/i-am-super-lazy-today-mlp-meme.png
That was also me yesterday when I thought about writing this chapter.
This entire fic has a great promise to be somthing rare nowadays, an original concept for a HiE story, you are nailing it bearely good enough, you definetely need an editor and a proof-reader to improve this, still, congratulations for the originality :).
6383338 First I'm told it's generic; now I'm being told it's original. Make up your mind people! I can't figure out what to do.
Thanks for commenting though and hopefully someone will decide to help with the editing.
This is definitely an enjoyable read. I'd like to lend my services as a prereader or similar if you'd like.
6383356 The original part is about the kiddnapting thing, the way how the story began, and the growing personality of the protagonist, the concept is original for me, I feel it very fresh; the main problem is that you need to detail the chapters more, I don't feel them complete, and that gives it a feel of rushnees, hence the editor.
6383445 What I'm hearing is that my pacing isn't as bad as I think; its just that I don't put enough detail so it feels like I'm rushing it. That actually makes me feel better, and is a lot easier to fix in future chapters.
6383442 Every little bit helps... Now I have to figure out how to get it so others can read a chapter before it's out.
6383494 Google docs has functions like that.
6383497 I believe there is also something similar here; I'll take a look real quick.
Hi One of the Crowd, all doe I would like to say that this was a good chapter, I still see improvement in this one two but unfortunately it’s not the case. The big problem with your chapter is how you used the psychologist, as in he does not flow the procedure after a traumatic event that just happened to Chance has not so long ago. He has just bear witness to a fight between Celestial and a dragon, which there were ponies harmed in this situation. Chance should have had a debrief with the psychologist over what happened in the cave, to asset the traumatic damage that the dragon mite have caused to him during his brief captivity as well as to piecing together what happened during the two days at he was trap there and during the fight. It also has legal implication as Chance’s discussion with the psychologist could also be used as the bases of a testimony, all doe I don’t know the procedures for that. It could also be that Celestia is trying to keep hush hush, and decided not to tell him what actually happened, but it would be unethical in his profession, he would have to ask Chance of everything he knows of what happened, and chance did not had the chance to be told to stay quiet ether sense he just woke up. He also should have stayed longer to support chance
Now that I got the bad part past, I think you did a good job in describing Chance’s escape from the clutches of the mare as well on the description of the decrepit house.
I also like how Chance’s attempts to reaffirm his identity as a human, the more they reaps that his past is a lie the more likely he mite start to believe it, and he is in no position of just playing the game as most people will explode after three months of constant acting.
Maybe I missed it but....was the dragon killed?
I think the therapy session would have been better if Insight was more portrayed as is if he truly wanted to help Chance get the help he so desperately needs rather than trying to understand everything about Chance.
I feel like there could be another great character here, one that even though he's trying really hard to get Chance to let go of his "humanity", you still find yourself rooting for him because you can tell he only wants Chance to be happy and safe.
it's like having a villain of the story but you can see where he's coming from because he actually has good reason for what he's doing. I.E. trying to help a small, scared, angry colt deal with his issues and adjust to a normal life as best he can after being in a really bad situation
6383489
you got it exactly right, your pacing is fine maybe a bit fast but you got to work on the amount of details in the story. make sure you give a basic description of every new character. I mean, i get Insight is a unicorn but other than that he's a blank page. I will say this. I like it when you learn things about a charter like this.
from that we can safely say he's a unicorn. This type of literary device is GOLD. it's smooth and feels natural as the information slowly plays out.
here's another example from some other persons work
If what you did was intentional. Do it again, it's great
if it was an accident, then find a way to recreate it.
there aren't many who find details like this exiting and it can be easy to over-look them or feel as if they get in the way of the actual story/fun but they are vital to fiction and can easily make a good story great.
I'm rooting for you
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Possible ideas for future chapters
-there could be a chapter or something where chance isn't around and we see some of the other characters interact with each other
-Chance has to interact with other hospital staff/patients
-the CMC get pinkie to throw him a "get well soon" party. due to this happening quite often the hospital staff and pinkie have a secret deal kind of thing. she get's them doughnuts every Wednesday/Friday, she has to clean up all the mess or at least do most of the work, the party can last no more that 2.5 hours or after 9, and, most importantly, she MUST get permission before hand (...hoof?...whatever,) as well as ask a day in advance before said party
-Chance spends the night at a "friends" house. arrow, rumble, whoever
-Arrow and Chance bonding/apologizing/forgiving
-Chance try's to prove he's more mature by working off the broken window at SCC
-A Heart song starts and ponies start to join in but Chance wants no part in this Disney crap and tries to stop it, but intimately fails and accidentally sings along
-Fluttershy tries to help him calm down by getting him a pet. My vote is a pet cricket
and finally
-Button and Chance team up to win a special "extra credit" contest set up by Cheerilee. the winner gets no homework for a month. their can be only two winners. Chance wants to win because he hates doing homework and Button wants to win because that means more time playing video games. when working together they bond and their friendship grows. however this put a strain on the CMC's friendship because they don't want to be the one to do the homework. they try to make chance choose between them or button or something, and more mellow drama. I think it would be funny if sweetie belle was the one choose to not get the free pass in the CMC group and she's so distraught she acts exactly like rarity dose when she has bad things happen. couch, ice cream, tears, and, or course, the phrase "out of all the worst possible things this is The. Worst. POSSIBLE. THING!".
Also WHAT DAY IS IT.
what i mean is could you give us a timeline for the story.
like
Friday-arrive in ponyville
Saturday-hang with cmc
Sunday- more cmc stuff
Monday......etc
Please, if you would. I like knowing how long the characters have been in one place and whatnot
6383863 No, I never said what happened to F.C. because he will show back up later.
6384066 Currently we are back to Sunday. Also have you been rooting around my head because at least three of those Ideas I was thinking of writing already.
6383730 Got it. I had a feeling I wasn't portraying him right while writing, but I wasn't sure. Thank you again for the insight on the chapter.
Edit: Accidental pun is accidental!
6384588 ok. Thanks
6384642 No problem. If you are wondering anything else just ask.
6384051 I think you are giving out interesting advice and it would be great to look into it, especially sense chance had not much iteration with the foals and ponyville much yet.
Also, I think you are giving good advice on how to go about with Insight, the best antagonist are those that think they are doing good.
6384595
I already said i was
Remember
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6386852 s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ca/22/91/ca22914e0592c06c334ee1f22c25de46.jpg
not that bad of a writer. look! it's the rare not-a-compliment! i did not insult you but nor did i praise you.
6394358 uboachan.net/seccom/thumb/1329835971654.png
i cant believe i missed that fishing for compliments pic. lol. nicely done. a little practice and u could be a political cartoonist.