The first beams of sunlight crept across the walls of the Ponyville hospital, one by one the windows of each floor were invaded. Spreading the light through them and waking some of the ponies slumbering within. Finally it reached a room on the third floor, illuminating the chart that hung on the bed inside.
Trixie Doe.‘The Great and Powerful’
Suspected Trauma, Stress and Magic induced Brain Damage.
Coma, keep under observation.
In case of change alert Nurse Redheart.
KEEP RAINBOW DASH OUT!!
Trixie groaned softly as she came to. Her body ached all over as if she’d been run over by a minotaur, and her muscles protested even the smallest movement. There was a painful throbbing in her head that made her thoughts fuzzy. It took time and effort to make herself remember, and even then her memory only slowly trickled in. She could remember going on a trip with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, but things got progressively worse.
At least the sensations of warm soft fabrics against her made her smile. There were worse ways to wake up after all. Maybe she just had a bad dream? She could feel pressure on her stomach, and something warm which she held tightly in her hooves.
She opened her eyes, but immediately closed them again with a soft hiss, it was much too bright. It took her several minutes of careful peeking and squinting to get a bit more used to it. It was lucky, or perhaps by design, that the bed was only half illuminated and allowed the top half to remain in the shade.
The first thing Trixie saw when she could open her eyes, without the risk of going blind that is, was the ceiling. However, it was not the ceiling that she was used to waking up to seeing. Instead this one was green? What the? Where am I? Why am I here? What’s that scent? She quickly stopped her line of questions as suddenly her head felt like somepony was trying to pierce it with a spear. Perhaps Trixie shouldn't think too much for now.
She took a few deep breaths as she closed her eyes again, slowly more memories drifted back. She shivered as she discovered the last thing she could remember, was being seconds away from a long expected beating by Rainbow Dash.
“T-Trixie changed her mind, do it. Do whatever you want if it will fix all this, but… don’t leave Trixie alone.”
B-but what happened after that? I-I guess she took me up on that offer then, everything hurts That could be true, but then she did not understand why she was in a different place. W-why am I not at Fluttershy’s? Did she beat me and leave me to somepony else? T-that’s not fair, it was supposed to fix everything! Trixie whimpered and fought through the ache in her foreleg to rub her eyes dry.
Mercifully a cloud blocked the sun, shading her room and allowing a chance to actually look around. While she was resting flat on her back she did not have much of a view, the room seemed rather barren to her though. But it was much larger than Fluttershy’s.
Carefully she lifted her head up. A dull pain came with the motion. Oh please is that all you’ve got? Like that will stop Trixie now, she’s had much worse. Trixie smirked and brought her eyes down to what was causing the pressure on her stomach.
All at once she became aware of a lot of things. Her eyes went wide as she realized what she was looking at. For one, she noticed that the warm thing she had clutched to her chest was a cyan hoof. For another, Rainbow Dash was half sitting in a chair, half slumped over onto Trixie’s bed with her head resting against her chest.
Her breath froze as she stared at the mare wide-eyed for several long moments. As far as Trixie could tell Rainbow Dash was asleep? What is she doing here? Where are we? What happened? Where is Flu—Gah! She closed her eyes tightly and whined as her headache intensified. She could barely manage to open one eye to look as she could feel movement immediately afterwards.
The noise had startled Rainbow Dash awake. After a brief moment of disorientation she had settled both magenta eyes on Trixie like a deer caught in a headlights spell. A particularly strong illumination spell that earned its name from the fact that, to an observer, the unicorns head was just one big light.
“I’m not supposed to be here! I mean, I’m not here!” Rainbow Dash suddenly exclaimed and made a mad dash for the door, slamming into it at full force before she realized it opened in the other direction, then she darted around the corner without even closing it.
"W-wha?" Trixie was startled from the sudden scream. Due to the grip she had on Dash's hoof, she was nearly pulled out of her bed as Rainbow Dash took off like a bat out of Tartarus. She had to thrust out both hooves and got lucky that the chair was there to catch herself on before she was entirely past the point of no return.
Trixie began to pant heavily as the seconds went by and she remained in her precarious position, Her forehooves held onto the chair, preventing her from falling, but any change would cause her to meet the floor face first. Trixie tried to push herself back and onto the bed, but was too tired. To make matters more problematic, her forehooves began to burn from the exertion, letting Trixie know they wouldn't keep her up for much longer.
“R-Rainbow Dash?” Trixie tried calling for her, but there was no reply.
Trixie craned her head to look towards the open door. “If you’re there, please come back. I’m going to fall.” If Rainbow Dash was there, it was clear she did not believe Trixie was actually about to fall from her bed. Ugh of course, really who would believe that? What kind of pony falls out of bed with enough time to ask for help in between?
She growled as she look towards the door, her vision getting blurry as the throbbing in her head gradually got worse. Her forelegs started to shake. Anger over getting abandoned just like that started to seep through. “Rainbow Dash! The Great and All-Knowing Trixie knows you are right around the corner, staring at the open door wondering how you can close it without her seeing it! Get in here now!”
That did it.
Rainbow Dash peeked her head around the doorpost sheepishly then gasped as she saw Trixie’s predicament and rushed in to help her back into bed. “Sorry! I didn’t know!”
“How could you not know! Trixie specifically told you!” Trixie glared at Rainbow Dash.
“Well I didn’t know you were serious. You say a lot of stuff!” Rainbow Dash countered and started to take steps back towards the door.
Trixie’s eyes flicked between Rainbow Dash and the door, confusion clear on her face. “Why are you trying to leave Trixie?”
Rainbow Dash looked unsure for a moment then trotted back to the foot end of the bed, she picked up the chart that hung from it and presented it to Trixie. “Doctor’s orders, see?”
Raising a brow as she read the chart, Trixie looked concerned. “Coma? Brain Damage? Keep out. What exactly d—you know never mind. This is atrocious how dare they call Trixie a doe? But at least they got the rest right...”
A proud smile appeared on Rainbow Dash’s face as she nodded. “You like that huh? I made sure they put it on there. Oh man, they were not happy I ‘corrected’ the chart with magic marker though.” She rubbed along her neck with her hoof as she tried to look elsewhere.
Trixie let her eyes switch back to Rainbow Dash, looking the obviously nervous mare over while she thought on the situation. Finally she signed and raised a hoof up to her forehead. “We’re in a hospital aren’t we?”
“...Yeah.”
“PONYVILLE hospital?”
“…Yeah.”
Trixie had her eyes trained on Rainbow Dash, no matter how much she tried to avoid looking directly at her. “After Trixie made it clear she did not want to go there?”
“…Yeah.”
Trixie let her gaze break away from Rainbow Dash, settling it on her fidgeting hooves in her lap quietly for a time while she took steady deep breaths. “... Did you do enough to me?”
The chart clattered to the floor, fumbled by Rainbow Dash. She stared at Trixie. “W-what?”
“Everything hurts, I’m in this hospital against my wishes, the chart is a day old and it was lunch time when you ‘caught’ me, so I’ve been out for three quarters of a day. I’ve not tested it, but I’m pretty sure trying magic would make me pass out again.” Tears begun to well up in her eyes as she raised her gaze up at Rainbow Dash. “Are you satisfied? Do I get another chance now?”
Rainbow Dash stared at Trixie in shock, her stomach tied in a knot that very second while she struggled to come up with words. “T-Trixie I—”
“What in blazes are YOU doing in here! Get out right now.” Evidently, Nurse Redheart’s rounds had begun. She stood in the doorway. she needed only to take one look at the crying Trixie to know she had been right in banning the prismatic tyrant.
“Oh horse apples!” Rainbow Dash spread her wings and flew up to the ceiling.
Nurse Redheart picked up the chart from the floor and swatted at her with it, trying to chase her out of the room. But each time she nearly had her out the door there was a quick turn and the chase was back on.
“Rainbow Dash phis is a hosphital! Ponies need theiph phest!” Nurse Redheart called out while she held the chart with her teeth and made another stroke at the pesky pegasus.
“I know! So stop chasing me! I’m not leaving till I’ve settled this!” Rainbow Dash swooped over the bed, her eyes shifted from the nurse to Trixie briefly. “Hey! So” She was interrupted while she had to dodge a stroke from the chart
“as I was saying.” She called out on another pass by.
Trixie stared at the strange spectacle before her. Rainbow Dash trying to out fly an increasing number of nurses and doctors as more came into the room to try and chase the mare out. All the while Rainbow Dash would make a pass over her bed at every opportunity and try to continue their conversation. She had to piece it together bit by bit.
If nothing else, flying around and trying to dodge all those ponies after her seemed to help rather than hinder Rainbow Dash in her ability to actually speak. Even while she was being interrupted by flung bedpans, brooms and a Frisbee that might have once functioned as her patient chart. ”After all I, Wow! Did? You're the one asking me, yikes! For a chance? Heck have three! I'm just glad you don't hate me! This is getting, Hey! Old, I’ll come back later!”
“Oh no you won’t!” Nurse Redheart’s face was as red as her cutie mark. She was wielding a broom, wherever Trixie’s chart was she didn’t know.
Trixie’s head hurt from all the commotion, but it felt like it was easily the least important thing in the world while she shook with laughter at the antics taking place above and around her bed. She could hear Rainbow Dash join in and shook her head. “Hahah, you foal! Get lost before Trixie sees fit to best you a second time!”
“Oh as if you—Wow!” She narrowly looped around a broom. “Okay that was close! Get well soon Trixie!” With that she darted out the door with the gathering of ponies in hot pursuit, yelling so loudly Trixie had to wonder who let such loud ponies work at a hospital, did they not know the ponies here needed their rest?
One of the last ponies out the door had taken the time to hastily grab Trixie’s chart of the floor and throw it on the bed, not even bothering to hang it up properly. Trixie leaned forward and grabbed it, looking over the hoof print riddled, creased paper that was clipped to the wood.
Trixie Doe.‘The Great and Powerful’
She’s such a foal… but she can be really nice when she wants to be.
She grinned while she laid back down on the bed, staring up at the green ceiling. It took her a moment to fully comprehend what had just happened. Trixie felt a chuckle start to rise up from her throat, and soon after it blossomed into full out laughter. “It worked! It really worked! Trixie fixed everything, and Rainbow is giving Trixie another chance, no three of them! Maybe I’ll give that kiss back!”
All this needs is a little capitalization...
4265701
Oh my gosh.
How did I never notice that!
Thanks for the heads up.
4265718 No worries!
I had the strangest nightmare. I dreamt that i had somehow taken leave of my senses and added pokemon to this chapter without me noticing. Specifically Butterfree. Which i only realized after angry comments.
I obviously had to come and check. Pokemon-free, of course it is. Back to bed.
I'll worry about what even dreaming about that in the first place means later, it cant be good.
Good crowscrowcrow me and pinkimena did not have to "have a talk" with you
4266426
Phew, dodged that bullet.
4267335 i even had a song planned
Hiya,
Figured I'd give you a break from last night, plus I'm feeling sick *good day for a holiday* so this took a bit more time to get to.
I really liked RD's antics in the hospital, the scene with the doctors and nurses was quite amusing. I hope she recognizes that Trixie still thinks RD beat her up and because of letting her do that Trixie is getting another chance. Would be amusing/drama inducing for another scene to occur and Trixie to try that as a punishment again, thinking it to be normal in friendships. Would also be kinda funny to see Trixie try to invoke the same thing.
"O...oh Trixie..I-I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me for what happened? It-it's ok if you don't."
Trixie sighed and let go of her frustration with Fluttershy, giving her a pat on the head as Dash watched them talk.
"It's ok Fluttershy, Dash showed me how to make this all even out. Allright?"
Fluttershy looked over to Dash, who shrugs her shoulders in confusion. Fluttershy turned back to Trixie and gave her a smile.
"A-allright Trixie, if-if you learned it from Dash then let's try it. I-I trust you both."
Trixie smiled back and suddenly reared back onto her hind hooves. Her right forehoof quickly whipped foreward, clocking Fluttershy in the jaw hard. Fluttershy's eyes went cross and she collapsed unconcious to the ground, while Trixie went back to standing on all four hooves and looked over to a Dash. Dash's eyes were wide and her jaw was hanging to the ground.
"There, now we can all be friends again."
I guess I can see Trixie thinking they are even now, but I doubt Dash is feeling all that good about the shit she keeps doing to Trixie.
Heh, would be a very cute scene for Trixie to use two of her three chances to randomly give Dash kisses. I doubt she will, but it is a amusing thought.
Ok! Let's go over the madness of words in which this story evokes in all of us!
'and even then,' and I'm pretty sure 'things' never has a ' in it. Not 100% sure if you need the 'and' added, but it wouldn't hurt.
"The first thing Trixie saw when she could open her eyes, without the risk of going blind that is, was the ceiling. However, it was not the ceiling that she was used to waking up to seeing." Or something along those lines would be better. Also, it isn't a big deal, but you could alter your use of 'she' and 'her', with 'Trixie' a bit more. It'd help break up all the times I see you have 'her' and 'she' in this chapter anyhoo.
'Her rambling line of questions was quickly ceased as she felt a painful stab through her skull, a warning again thinking too much for the moment."
Or maybe ' She quickly stopped her line of questions as suddenly her head felt like someone was trying to pierce it with a spear. Perhaps Trixie shouldn't think too much for now.
The question mark you have doesn't work well, and 'shutting herself up' is just a less....ideal line when someone is talking in their head is all.
'thing she could remember, was being seconds away from a long expected beating by Rainbow Dash." You don't need the acceptance part since anyone who read the last chapter knows of it, and the next line she goes through already shows her acceptance. But if you think it needs it you could do something like " thing she could remember, was being seconds away from accepting a long expected beating by Rainbow Dash."
Do you mean 'somepony'? Not everyone changes it to that but if you normally do, then try to stick with it.
One too many 'in'.
'then she'
"W-wha?" Trixie was startled from the sudden scream. Due to the grip she had on Dash's hoof, she was nearly pulled out of her bed as Rainbow Dash took off like a bat out of Tartarus." Or something like that, the lack of a 'was' after Trixie is an issue, and your current sentence doesn't flow well.
Ok, if I understand this right, Trixie is holding herself up by her forehooves on the nearby chair, but is hanging half way off the bed and unable to get back w/out falling. So "Trixie began to pant heavily as the seconds went by and she remained in her precarious position, Her forehooves held onto the chair, preventing her from falling, but any change would cause her to meet the floor face first. Trixie tried to push herself back and onto the bed, but was too tired. To make matters more problematic, her forehooves began to burn from the exertion, letting Trixie know they wouldn't keep her up for much longer."
'of bed'
'and swatted', not 'at'
"made", not 'make'.
'A chuckle rose up from her throat, and blossomed into full out laughter again.' I...I don't know how you did this one.
4268986
Just to clarify real quick.
What do you refer to here? I'm guessing that it's unclear why she is laughing?
Or how I made the mistake there?
4269186
Np, I mostly meant I don't understand how you made the mistake, I completely understand the laughter. You just went from describing things in the paragraph from trixie's point of view to narrating what happened. It was just odd to me.
This is from Trixie's POV. The very next sentence:
switched it to a narrator's pov, and also sounded very confusing. For starters, your sentence started with 'A chuckle rising', 'rising' just doesn't work in this scenario, it gets the meaning across, but it's definitely the wrong use of the word. "A chuckle arose from her throat', 'Trixie felt a chuckle start to rise up from her throat', etc,etc. It was just a really weird sentence and the POV change combined to confuse me.
4269252
Oh I see what you mean now.
Hmm that is actually a concept I had not heard of before. But it does make sense to keep the same POV within the same paragraph. Live and learn.
4268986
Hello
I don't suppose it has anything to do with cracking under the pressure, now that your Followers have jumped up like 50% after the shoutout from Philosopher01?
Rainbow Dash has no idea.
Oh my goodness. That's just sad comedic gold. Also probably something Trixie might want to Veto with one of her chances. If that would even work.
Indeed, she's wrecked with guilt. Course Dash is not the type to just show emotion openly, so it's more in between the lines. But in her PoV chapters its more prominent.
Hehe yes it is. <3
Thanks for all your effort into the corrections, and especially thanks for your suggestions. I've taken them wholesale into the chapter, and I'll try to write less awkwardly in the future heh. It's a slow progress I suppose. I'll get there yet though. Even if it takes another 30 chapters!
4269387
Doubled to 12 surprisingly, but nah, that just makes me feel more like trying to keep to my release schedule than anything else.
I kind figured, I can't see that coming back to bite her in the ass at some point, emotionally or otherwise.
Hmm...I could see Dash getting angry at flutters and Trixie thinking Dash'll hit her so she tries to convince RD not to, confusing the hell out of RD. Or maybe asking if she can take Flutters place in the hitting. Tons of things you can do with this miscommunication.
True, it's why her chapters are pretty nice to see in this story, shows you alot about her thoughts that you don't see any other way too often.
No Prob, happy to help. Trust me your errors are minor compared to many stories I read. You take criticism well so I'm inclined to continue the back and forth poking of eachother's chapters. Plus your story is quite interesting, I think it is the only one that mainly revolves around Trixie, Flutters, and RD. So it's quite unique.
4269450
Oh even better!
I just went off the change I saw between when I saw your blog and just now.
Of course it won't. What could possibly go wrong?
I am on the lookout for alternative ways of doing it though. One way I've seen others employ seem to be to have the PoV swap per paragraph. Though I do not intent (nor think i could) to change the style midway through the story it will still be useful to know about in the future.
I never understood reacting badly to criticism, especially when it's overwhelming obvious the critic is trying to help you improve. I love it every time you point something out to me, though I also on occasion have to kick a table leg for missing one of those in the first place.
Course it helps that you give great criticism, much easier to respond well to that, not that I would lash out otherwise. .
And making a bit of a playful completion out of it just makes it all the more fun.
It's great to hear that. I honestly told myself at the outset of getting into writing that no matter what I wrote it was going to look unoriginal and similar to another story, so I should not worry about being unique and just write what I liked. I guess its true what they say: "Write what you love." It worked out in the end.
Quick if you update before noon tomorrow i will find you and give you a muffin
4270864
I'll put on some tea.
You bring the muffins.
4278538 I dont like tea.... and I didn't think you would actually update..... You took my last muffin now I have to make more
4278840 aaaaaaaahhhhhh you're out of muffins *downtrodden face* just when I was going to get the games out.
This has got to be the most humorous chapter yet, what with Rainbow Dash smacking head first into the door, the falling Trixie part and half the hospital staff chasing Rainbow Dash like a huge mosquito.
That said, Trixie terrifies me with her 'Did you do enough to me?' routine. Especially that she still believes Rainbow Dash did beat her to within an inch of her life by the end.
I liked these lines;
'and even then her memory only slowly trickled in'
'A particularly strong illumination spell that earned its name from the fact that, to an observer, the unicorns head was just one big light.'
and
'slamming into it at full force before she realized it opened in the other direction'
Corrections;
'one by one the windows of each floor were invaded' should be 'invading the windows of each floor one by one' since 'beams' is the subject,
'Finally it reached a room on the third floor' should be 'Finally they reached a room on the third floor' for the same reason,
add 'against' after 'and her muscles protested'
replace the comma after 'with a soft hiss' with a semicolon,
add either a period or an ellipsis after 'everything hurts'
I'm not sure you need to specify that Rainbow Dash's eyes are magenta; however, 'a cyan hoof' works,
add a comma after 'This is atrocious'
Comments;
A cool one.
'Long expected?' Ouch.
Trixie's messed up.
You.
Oh god.
Well at least they got the female part right. I wouldn't be so sure with Rainbow Dash.
...who keeps Celestia around as a sex slave.
The image that must have appeared in Redheart's mind when she heard that.
i heard a Saxaphone playing in my head while dash was evading the doctors and nurses any one else?
4695107
Something along these lines maybe?
Cap.
_____________
Dash really is a good improvisational speaker.
When was the first?
7881652
As far as Trixie is concerned: when she attacked RD with her rainbow in Boast Busters.